Raphael #19: The Search for the Drunken Dwarf

JOE. Hi my name is Joe, you may remember me from such stories as Zombie apes from Atlantis and… well also from the story that is about to unfold, so sit back and enjoy or don’t enjoy either way just remember I’m watching you right now from outside your window go check see if you can spot me. You won’t I’m wily like Waldo dammit and twice as handsome. As always with me is my girlfriend Anna and my sidekick Rusty.

RUSTY. Hey how come I have to be the sidekick?

JOE. The sidekick is the one most likely to die.

RUSTY. Are you saying I’m going to die?

JOE. Normally yes but this is a harmless mission to find the elusive Drunken Dwarf, there shouldn’t be any death involved.

ANNA. Why are we looking for a Drunken Dwarf anyways?

JOE. Well legend has it that if you find his cave and beat him to death he’ll grant you 3 wishes.

RUSTY. Wow, can I use my wish to get a twix?

JOE. Don’t be stupid.

RUSTY. Your right I’ll use it to get 2 twix’s, the wheels are turning now and maybe I could get a whole box, oh I’m the devious one. No wait, no one will see it coming I’ll feed the starving population of the world with Twix’s and create my army and we will conquer all, hahahaha.

ANNA. How is he supposed to grant wishes if you beat him to death?

JOE. His ghost probably does it, you need to think outside of the box and support me on this one, I know what I’m doing, now hand me that blender.

ANNA. Why do you want a blender?

JOE. Ok miss smarty pants what do you suggest we beat him to death with?

ANNA. Well I suppose we can use the wishes to get you a brain and Rusty some courage.

JOE. Then what would you wish for? A heart?

ANNA. Why the hell would I need one of those, if I really wanted one I would take it from Rusty, right Rusty?

RUSTY. No one would be able to stop my twix army hahahaha.

ANNA. Stop laughing you moron.

RUSTY. The streets will flow with the blood of the non-believers!

(Anna smacks Rusty)

RUSTY. Ow, just for that I’m going to strike back like a viper when you least expect it.

JOE. Ok kids be nice, now according to the map we are entering the area in which his cave is said to be located now some called it the Rats Nest so I think there may be a vermin problem. Now I talked to some of the local homies from this area earlier this week, they say there’s no Drunken Dwarf here and that I’m a “wack little cracker” but they’re probably trying to trick me into not looking for him.

ANNA. Where did you get this story from anyways?

JOE. Rusty and I were at a Denny’s late one night, and there wasn’t a waiter there so we walked up to the only guy there who was eating a biscotti, don’t ask me why he’s eating Biscotti in Denny’s but he was. It turns out his name is Raphael and he starts telling us all these weird stories about him being God, and how he can turn water into water without even thinking about it. Then he told us this story about the Drunken Dwarf and that he lived in a green cave in a place called the Rats Nest.

ANNA. A green cave, did this guy appear to be on drugs?

JOE. I don’t know maybe.

ANNA. Thats just great, I knew I should have dated that acordian player with the gambling problem.

JOE. Apparently they compliment each other like wine. Hey there’s somebody lets ask him where this Green Cave is.

(They pull up next to someone hanging out on the street who is totally ghettofied)

JOE. YO Homey OG can you give us the 411 on the drunken dwarfs crib?

HOOD GUY. Huh? What you talking bout Willis?

RUSTY. Hey it’s Gary Coleman, when did you hit rock bottom, I at least expected an E! True Hollywood story before you ended up here.

JOE. I can’t believe it’s really you, I thought you were killed in a Thai boxing match with a Sri Lankan Tree midget named Upnar.

GARY. Upnar wasn’t no match for me I killed the foo, then I ate his kids with BBQ sauce.

JOE. Thast disgusting.

GARY. Then Upnar shouldn’t have bet his kids huh.

RUSTY. What’d you bet?

GARY. 3 American dollars, hahahaha. I got really drunk that night.

JOE. So you were drunken and a dwarf, I see, hmmmm, do you live around here.

GARY. I live I that Green building over there.

JOE. Is that so…..what kind of work do you do here?

(Motions RUSTY to get the bat)

GARY. Around here they call me Dr. Feel good, so you could call me a physician of sorts. Do you need anything?

JOE. We don’t have any money.

GARY. That’s ok I can work out payments with your lady friend there.

ANNA. You’d like that wouldn’t you Gary? You want to know what I’d like?

GARY. What would you like Baby?

ANNA. Some fucking respect!

(Anna Takes bat and begins to beat down Gary Coleman while Rusty stomps him when Ike Turner comes out of nowhere)

IKE. That’s my bitch if you want to beat him down it’s gonna cost you.

(A midget wearing a loin cloth crawls out of the sewer then runs up and stabs Ike with a crude stick)

IKE. Dammit Upnar I told you this is Ike’s neighborhood….aggghhhhh

(Ike is then stabbed in the throat by Upnar)

UPNAR. UPNNNNAAARRRR!!!!!

COP. OK then who killed Ike Turner and Gary Coleman?

(Anna looks at the cop with a bloody bat in hand and says)

ANNA. It was Upnar!

COP. I knew it was him the whole time. Your gonna fry for this.

UPNAR. Upnar???

COP. Hey wait this isn’t Upnar, it’s a mask.

(Pulls of mask to reveal a pimp with a lime green hat and a pink feather and 70’s sunglasses)

COP. If it isn’t Supafly Green Smoothie pimp, why’d you do it Smoothie?

PIMP. I was trying to take over Ike’s territory and I would have got away with it if it weren’t for these damn kids.

JOE. So now I guess were all winners, till next time keep reaching for the stars.

RUSTY. Hey isn’t that Casey Kasem’s line?

JOE. Not anymore, when I say it’s mine it’s mine dammit.

RUSTY. What if he sues us?

JOE. Well we’ll have to go convince him, well since this is where our adventure turns illegal we’ll be leaving you now.

ANNA. Didn’t it become illegal when we killed Gary Coleman and framed Supafly Green smoothie pimp?

JOE. Nice secret we had there, oh well till next time when we find a new way to make a quick buck.