Bill Cosby and the Alien Invasion

by Vomit God

(Bill is sitting in his chair watching distorted "Sanford and Son.")

Lamont: Dad! You just scared my date away!

Sanford: Shut up an' bend over, boy! A-Ho-Ho-Ho!

(Bill laughs.)

Bill: It's so true!

(Theo runs in.)

Theo: Dad! Aliens have landed on our lawn!

Bill: What you talkin' 'bout, boy? Yo' nuttier than a wild squirrel!

Theo: No, I mean it! The aliens are at our door!

(Bill gets up and smacks Theo.)

Bill: I'll prove to you there ain't no aliens, boy! 'Cept maybe them wetbacks that beg fo' food at our door!

(Bill opens the door. There is nothing.)

Bill: See? It's just yo' imagination, boy! Father's day fucked you up mo' than you thought! A-Ho-Ho-Ho!

(Suddenly, a three-eyed alien appears at the door.)

Theo: D-D-Dad!

Bill: Why you studderin', boy? There ain't no earthquake!

(Bill turns around toward the alien.)

Bill: Go away befo' Ah call the border patrol!

Dildar: Greetings, Earthling. I am Dildar from the planet Orgasma III.

Bill: Motherfuckin' trick o' treat fo' UNICEF! You can't fool me!

(Bill pulls Dildar's face.)

Bill: Hmmm, nice costume, mofo!

Dildar: I'm afraid you misunderstand me, human.

Bill: Holy Cumoly! You are aliens!

Dildar: Correct, Earthling! You have been chosen for our great experiment because of your unusually large...

Bill: Cock!

Dildar: No. Sexual Drive.

Bill: awww...

Theo: W-What are you going to do with us?

Dildar: Testing can not begin until you are transported to our ship.

Bill: Oh, yeah!? Well, you ain't takin' ol' Bill Cosby without losin' an antenna o' two!

(Dildar presses a button on his arm and Bill, Theo, and Dildar are transported to an alien mothership orbiting the earth.)

Dildar: Now do you doubt our power, Earthling?

Bill: Enough o' this "Star Trek" shit! Get me home! I'm missin' "In the House!"

(Dildar presses a button and Bill and Theo are transported to a cage.)

Dildar: Let the experiments begin!

Bill: Get me outta here befo' Ah punch all three o' yo' eyes out!

Dildar: This test will determine your sexual endurance.

(Dildar presses another button. An "o-ray" comes out and blasts Bill and Theo.)

Theo: AAA! TURN IT OFF!

Bill: What you whinin' 'bout, boy?

Dildar: Higher power!

Theo: AAA!

Bill: Shut up, boy! It shore feels good! A-Ho-Ho-Ho!

Dildar: FULL POWER!

Theo: I-CAN'T-TAKE-IT!

Bill: A-Hoo yeah! There ain't nothin' like a good ol' orgasm to make yo' day!

(Suddenly the ray overloads and explodes. Theo collapses on the floor, relieved. Wet stains begin to form on his pants.)

Bill: You call that an orgasm ray!? Ah didn't even cum!

Dildar: No being has ever endured the dreaded orgasm ray for such a time!

Bill: Well, Ah guess that just makes me better than you!

Dildar: Silence! On with the tests!

(Bill and Theo are put in another room with a girl in a Catholic school uniform.)

Dildar: This next test will see if you have the ability to pleasure the most frigid of beings! The boy first!

(Theo sits down next to the girl.)

Theo: Uhhh...hi.

Girl: Go away, creep! I know what you want!

Dildar: You fail! Now the man!

(Bill cracks his knuckles.)

Bill: Yo' lucky Ah ain't a picky man, mistah alien.

(Bill sits next to the girl.)

Bill: How you doin' there, little lady?

Girl: Go away, pervert!

Bill: Oh, I'm not like that! Say, do you know about Mistah Dicky?

Girl: No, who's he?

Bill: He's a friend o' mine who lives in mah pants. Wanna see?

Girl: Uh, sure.

(Bill pulls out his penis.)

Bill (In Mister Dicky's voice): Hi there! Mah name is Misstah Dicky an' I'm a dentist!

(The girl laughs.)

Girl: A dentist?

Bill: You haven't been brushin' yo' teeth, have you?

Girl: Yes I have!

Bill: Let me see!

(The girl opens her mouth and Bill sticks his penis in it.)

Bill: Hmm! Looks like a plaque buildup! Why don't you suck on ol' Misstah Dicky an' he'll clean yo' teeth wit' his "magic tooth paste!" A-Ho-Ho-Ho!

(The girl blows Bill. Bill rips off her uniform and fucks her.)

Dildar: Ugh! Disgusting!

Theo: You get used to it after a while.

Bill: Hey, Dildar! Back on Earth we call this a 69! A-Ho-Ho-Ho!

(Dildar pukes.)

(MUCH LATER:)

Dildar: You have proven yourself worthy of the final test, Earth being!

(The girl gets up and leaves.)

Bill: Hey, where you goin'!? Ah was just warmin' up!

(The girl turns into an eleven-eyed tenticled monster.)

Bill: Ugh! I'm an alien-fucker!...Oh well.

Theo: What's the final test?

Dildar:Sex...With each other!

Bill: A-Ho-Ho-Ho! Bend over, boy!

(Suddenly, another alien runs in.)

Alien: Sir! We are under attack by scroton torpedoes!

Bill: Opportunity knocks once!

(Bill pulls out a knife and slits Dildar and the other alien's throat. They both die, gurgling prayers to their gods.)

Theo: Why didn't you do that in the first place, dad?

Bill: Shut up, boy! Help me find the transportation, thingy!

(Bill finds it, and he and Theo are transported back home.)

Theo: Ah, it's all over!

Bill: Not fo' you, boy! Bend over! A-Ho-Ho-Ho!



The End

*Appologies to Barbarella.