Gandhi #3: My Ass Is Pretty and Other Observations

Almost Comatose
by Gandhi Mangler

What I didn't do on my summer vacation:
Sex.
Drugs.
Rock and Roll.

So I don't think it's worth mentioning what I did do on my summer vacation. I learned a few things along the way. Instead of building empty paragraphs around them, I'll save us all the trouble and just list them. Keep in mind that to make room for new and good thoughts, old and dumb ones must be removed. In that spirit, here is the list:
They say the best revenge is living well. I'd like to live well. So I've set up my parents as the people with whom I need to get revenge. Luckily, their characters make it easy. (Isn't this how psychiatrists help people by blaming the parents in the hope that the patient will seek revenge?)
One thing lobbyists learn right off the turnip wagon is the trick where the lobbyist "accidentally" drops a thousand dollar bill underneath the congressman's desk. It's called the "finders-keepers" trick.
I love industry, science, and technology as much as the next Objectivist, but I'll never adopt a highway.
In Texas, there are road signs--yellow and diamond-shaped like the curvy-road sign--with the sole word "CHURCH" on them. I guess it means "Beware of Church."
Thanks to "The Jeffersons," I can't help but call Louisiana "Weezyana."
Prostitution should be legal, if only for truckers.
The industrial parks of Mississippi aren't quite developed yet. The lands are currently being farmed.
When you cross the Louisiana border into Mississippi, you know things aren't quite right. You will see signs such as "Keep Off Median." Drive further and you will find that "Virginia College" is located in Jackson, Mississippi.
JESUS! How many "Casey Jones" exhibits are there in the south, anyway?
One good thing about being tight-assed is clean underpants.
One day, when I am overwhelmingly successful, I will build The Parthenon of Steel and live in it. I suppose I should surround the area with lightning rods before I start building, though.
Motels really don't want people to eat their continental breakfasts. That's why they cram everything together on a tiny counter, use styrofoam cups and paper plates, have uncomfortable chairs and small tables crammed in the corner, lack sinks, and offer sporks.
I'm developing a sense of how much a tool famous people are. Elvis: 98% Springsteen (Have you heard his latest song?): 75%
I sympathize with all the workers at Graceland who have to stand and overhear the same complaints and observations from (fat, overweight, husky, whatever) tourists and see the same eleven-minute movie on a continuous loop.
If you're very concerned about nuclear bombs striking American cities, then learn the construction trade. Once the bomb is dropped, reconstruction will be in high demand--especially in Hollywood where all those actors (who survive) will want their houses rebuilt immediately (they're children and want things immediately--and at any cost). So become an architect and cash in on nuclear war!
Is the greyhound bus dog castrated or just shy?
The only sane way I can deal with my parents is to pretend they're my grandparents. Others may choose to pretend they were adopted.
Arkansas is a lovely place where women smoke pipe tobacco while driving on the interstate highway.
Bill (Blythe) Clinton said he grew up in Hope, Arkansas. In Hope, there are a Western Sizzlin', a motel, and a Wal-Mart where Mexicans hang out in the parking lot. He should have told the truth; he grew up in Hot Springs, Arkansas, where the gambling and prostitution take place.
There comes a time in every man's life when he decides whether or not to send his parents to early graves.
Nothing I do is cute anymore... except when I sleep. I'm damn cute when I sleep.
Tell me your thoughts...so I can steal them and use them for evil.
I wish my dad was Clark Griswold so my vacation would have been filled with wacky, madcap fun.

People whom Gandhi Mangler would like to disfigure: people who take message boards seriously, The Easter Bunny, people who take instant messaging seriously, and people who take e-mail too seriously.

"Holy efking cow!" --Gandhi Mangler

"Is this a good computer?" --A yokel in the Hope, Arkansas Wal-Mart, who asked Gandhi Mangler about the computer he wanted to buy instead of asking someone who works there.