Hey there, ho there kiddies! This is your friendly neighborhood Savior, Jesus Christ here! Hey, don't worry...this isn't the Second Coming, per se. Now, just because I'm not back to judge the living and the dead doesn't mean you should stop repenting. What I'm really here to do, is to give all of you (especially you Jews and Atheists) an opportunity to get to know Me. Let's face it...there's a lot of wild rumors about Me going around in the media, and well...let's just say I haven't, nor do I plan to make any appearances in any tortillas. I can't say the same for mom, though. But enough about Me, let's talk about Me! HA!
Now, the number one question I usually get is 'what makes Jesus tick?' Well, I'll tell ya. My hobbies include preaching the Word of God, performing small miracles, racquetball, fasting in the desert, carpentry, Monopoly, dying for the sins of the world, and sometimes...well, sometimes Jesus just likes hanging' out.
The next thing people always wanna know, is what is it like being the Lord and Savior of all creation? I'll tell ya, it's no easy gig, but you do meet a lot of interesting people. And am I popular? Almost everywhere I go, people worship Me!
I'll be the first to tell ya, I love My job. I mean, I get guys recanting their sins, writing songs about Me, and praising Me all the time! And all they ever ask for in return is My blessing. Which, let Me tell you, is always gladly given. Don't forget, I did die for your salvation...all sin is on Me!
You may have been told in Sunday School that Jesus loves everybody. Well, that's mostly true, but even a Savior needs to love somebody just a little bit more than everybody else, if you know what I mean. As much as being a holy deity sounds like a great way to pick up chicks (and believe Me, it is), even I have relationship troubles. Hey...I'm only God, ya know.
Here I am with Melinda, a girl I hooked up with sometime in the mid 1700's. We had a lot of fun together, her and I. We used to just sit and talk for hours, and sometimes we would just laugh and laugh for no reason at all. Then, she stood trial for being a witch and was burned at the stake. Man, that broke My heart. I thought I'd never fall in love again, until...
I met Marilee in 1983, and what started out as a really solid friendship turned into a really steamy romance right out of Harliquinn...or Leviticus. Then, in '88 she hit the crack pretty hard and really started to freak Me out. I stuck it out, but one morning I woke up naked in bed, and all of My stuff was gone. I never saw her again, but come Rapture time, Me and her are gonna have a little chat.
My last squeeze was a little firecracker named Alicia. Not only was she a real looker, but she was totally free-spirited and brought out the wild side in Me. We were an item for quite a few months until she fell for some Navy guy. She didn't want to hurt Me, but we both knew her heart didn't belong to Me anymore. I let her go, and I last I heard, she was married and writing for a prominent internet magazine.
What's that? You think it's a walk in the Garden of Eden being Me? Well, let Me set you straight, brother! It's not all hymns and psalms, ya know. Do I really have to show you the wounds in my hands and feet? Yeah...I didn't think so.
And as if being hung out to die for an ungrateful nation wasn't bad enough, I gotta put up with this guy, too! We have some mutual friends and happened to be at the same party one night, when someone thought it would be funny if we posed for a photograph. Well, as you can see, I was none too pleased.
Dealing with the Prince of Darkness is one thing, but having these guys breathing down My neck really keeps Me on My toes. Jesus don't take kindly to being busted...
But at the end of the day, I suppose it's all worth while. If I could change it all (and I can, you know) I would keep everything just as it is. People ask Me, 'does Jesus ever just get crazy?' Oh, yeah...Jesus gets crazy. There's a side of Me you don't get to see. Sometimes I just let My hair down and just let it all hang out, ya know? I can get freaky with the best of them.
But there's one thing that I love more than anything else...
JESUS LOVES TO DANCE!!
No comments:
Post a Comment