Gandhi #4: Into the Abyss

Almost Comatose
by Gandhi Mangler


I'm finally getting into the hardcore dating phase of my life. I think it's because I've become bored with everything else. Curiosity struck and I wanted to find out what women were hiding from men so I can have an unfair advantage when engaging them in conversation. Research was warranted and therefore I actually spoke to a female.


Mangler: What is your idea of the perfect man?
Female: I hate this question.
Mangler: What is your idea of the imperfect woman?
Female: A woman with only looks OR brains. Not both.
Mangler: When was the last time you were told you had both?
Female: I tell myself that every god damned day. Okay, whatever. I hate your questions.
Mangler: PRETEND YOU'RE AMY SEDARIS.
Female: Fine.
Mangler: Where's your donkey?
Female: I refuse to do t.v. references. I WILL INTERVIEW YOU, FUCKPRICK.
Mangler: Whatever you want, honey.
Female: Uh, don't talk to me that way. What is your idea of the perfect woman?
Mangler: One that leaves in the morning before I wake up.
Female: What is your idea of romance?
Mangler: When she picks up the check.
Female: Are you intimidated by smart girls?
Mangler: No, I've never met a female smarter than me.
Female: Are you intimidated talking to smart girls?
Mangler: No, I talk to whomever I want. They can't stop me. Women are weak.
Female: And I'm sure you are hoping they are also easily angered.
Mangler: No, I wish all women were easy-going and likeable as I am.
Female: Do you ever want to be married (and not in the Mexican way)?
Mangler: I think so, but then again, the doctors say I have a brain tumor.
Female: All the more reason for someone to marry you.
Mangler: I've always said that only mentally ill people want marriage.
Female: If you were in a relationship, would you prefer monogamy?
Mangler: No, but I would demand that any extracurricular activities not include vaginal sex. ONLY ANAL WILL BE ALLOWED.
Female: I'm bored with this interview. Talking about ideal men and women and relationships is stupid.
Mangler: TALK ABOUT FRIJOLES.

As you can see, they refuse to give away their secrets. After transcribing this interview, I realized that she had manipulated me into giving up my secrets. So I tried to speak to another female, this time with a little more tact.

Mangler: What is the ideal man?
Gal: Could that question be any lamer?
Mangler: YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY "YOU, INTERVIEWER STUD" IS MY IDEAL MAN!! Where is the nearest exit when the plane is on fire and dropping 10,000 feet a second?
Gal: Why the fuck would I want to find an exit?
Mangler: Some describe you as "a genius." I say they are filthy liars. What do you say to that?
Gal: I say I don't care what you think. YOU HAVEN'T REACHED THE GOOEY FUN CENTER YET!!!
Mangler: It's behind my Redd Foxx jimboree. I'll get there eventually. Where is the love?
Gal: Up my ass.

She was no help. Men, we stand no chance against these creatures unless we continue to use our brute strength. In the course of my research, the only thing that came close to being true was uttered by Vocephus: "Women really know nothing about fashion...behind every sophisticated lady is a preening fag." And that motherfucker stole it from The Kids in the Hall.


"Size doesn't matter...women actually hate sex anyway. But they only do it so they can get pregnant, and have an excuse to not come to work. They refer to it as 'the nine month vacation' in their secret newsletters." --Vocephus

"I almost wonder why he hopes size doesn't matter." -- Gandhi Mangler