Grandpa Cosby's Visit

by Vomit God



(Bill is at his mailbox.)

Bill: Let's see...the usual court soepinas, mah issue of "Under 15."...Oh, a letter from mah dad!

(Bill opens the letter.)

Bill: Holy Cumstains!

(Bill runs home to Theo.)

Bill: Start cleanin' the house, boy! Yo' Granddaddy is comin'!

Theo: Ugh!

Bill: No, Ah mean he's visitin'!

(The doorbell rings.)

Bill: That's probably him, now!

(Bill opens the door, Grandpa is sitting in his wheelchair holding a cane.)

Grandpa: Dammit, boy! What the fuck were you doin' leavin' yo' daddy waiting so long!

Bill: Ah'm sorry, Dad! Mah son Theo wuz tryin' ta get mah ass!

Theo: But I wasn't...

(Bill smacks Theo.)

Bill: Shut yo' mouth, boy!

(Grandpa whacks Bill with his cane.)

Grandpa: Don't be hittin' that child!

(Grandpa whacks Theo.)

Grandpa: An' don't be molestin' yo' daddy! Leave that to me! A-Ho-Ho-Ho!

(Grandpa jabs Bill.)

Grandpa: Let me in, boy! It's colder than a witches nipple in a brass bra out here!

(A mailwoman comes to the door.)

Mailwoman: Special delivery for Mr. Cosby!

Bill: An' Ah got a special package fo' you! A-Ho-Ho-Ho!

(Grandpa whacks Bill.)

Grandpa: Motherfuckin' amateur! She's mine!

(Grandpa rolls up to the mailwoman.)

Grandpa: Look! The neighbor's dog is loose!

(The mailwoman turns around.)

Mailwoman: Where!?

(Grandpa rips the mailwoman's shirt off. He also rips off her bra. She screams and runs away.)

Bill: Dammit, Dad, Ah could'da pulled her in.

Grandpa: Don't question the mastah, boy!

(Grandpa whacks Bill. His cane breaks.)

Grandpa: Damn, yo' head is almost as hard as mah cock, boy! Now take me upstairs. Show me that Cosby hospitality! A-Ho-Ho-Ho!

(Bill and Theo shudder.)

LATER:

(Bill is coming down the stairs for a snack.)

Bill: MMM! MM! Ah can taste them puddin' pops now!

(Bill looks into the kitchen and screams. Grandpa is sitting in the kitchen which is now littered with empty pudding pop boxes.)

Bill: MAH PUDDIN" POPS!!!

Grandpa: Dammit, boy, yo' puddin' pop rations are low! Go to the store and get me some mo'

LATER:

(Bill is returning from the store with more pudding pops. Suddenly, he discovers his porn stash has been broken in to.)

Bill: MAH PORN STASH!

(Grandpa appears.)

Grandpa: You call that shit porn, boy? AH can find nastier shit in "National Geographic!"

Bill: If you weren't mah dad...

(Suddenly, two nude women appear and sit in Grandpa's lap.)

Bill: Hey, they aren't the usual captives!

Grandpa: That's right, boy! Ah called a few people! We's a-gonna have a party!

(Suddenly, the front door breaks down, and people rush through the door. A DJ sets up, and the beat for the "Bill Cosby Rap" begins. Grandpa break dances in his wheelchair.)

Grandpa: Yo, mah name is Grandpa Cosby! Yo, what up!
From his fuckin' wheelchair Ah can't get up!
Ah use it to chase fine bitches and chicks,
Then after that, they suck mah eighty year old dick!
Mah son Bill, he follows after me.
But I'm the bigger pimp as you can see!

Oh, it shore feels good!

All: Oh, it shore feels good!

Bill: That's not true! I'm the biggest pimp!

Grandpa: Yeah, PIMPle, just like the ones on mah ass!

Bill: Ah hereby challenge yo ass to a pimpin' contest!

Grandpa: Yo on, fag!

(Bill grabs a girl and rips off her clothes, and then eats her out. Grandpa chuckles.)

Grandpa: The method of suprise is the oldest trick in the book! Watch me, now.

(Grandpa rolls up to a woman.)

Grandpa: I have no teeth! Please give me milk!

Woman: Oh, you poor creature!

(The woman bares her breast, which Grandpa sucks. Bill laughs.)

Bill: Ah can do better than that!

(Bill pulls out a gun and aims it at a woman.)

Bill: Blow me, bitch!

(The woman blows Bill. Grandpa rolls up to a woman.)

Grandpa: Hey, baby, suck mah cock!

(The woman blows Grandpa.)

Grandpa: See? No gun, but all cum! A-Ho-Ho-Ho!

Bill: ALright, Theo mah boy, who's the biggest pimp?

Theo: Uh...I guess...Grandpa!

Grandpa: Hot diggety damn!

(Suddenly, Grandpa clutches his chest and keels over dead.)

Theo: Grandpa's dead!

Bill: A-Ho-Ho-Ho! I'm the biggest pimp now!

(Suddenly, Grandpa's ghost appears.)

Grandpa's ghost: That's what you think!

Bill: Oh, no!

Grandpa's ghost: Get on yo' knees an' suck mah big ghostly cock!

(Grandpa's ghost chases Bill.)

THE END