KEEP WATCHING THE SCREENS

Hallo and welcome to Keep Watching The Screens, the section that reviews movies you won't want to see! You see, it's our duty to seek out doody. You stand to benefit from our bizarre fascination with all things terrible by avoiding them entirely! The grieving has been done for you!

The layout is very simple, as you have probably already gathered, so go and enjoy! Like the mighty oak, so to shall KWTS grow to be a mammoth archive of crappy movies.


Some Favorites

Spider-Man 2002, by Beef Lenin

Friday the 13th Part 4, by Vox Vocephus

The Blair Witch Project 2, by Beef Lenin

FULL KWTS ARCHIVE


Before you dive into the reviews, you may want to check out the Rating System. Things will make more sense...always trust Centauri. After that, you can check out the beginnings of our Seen It archive. Don't bother telling us...we know, and more movies will be added as soon as we are ready to talk about the things we've witnessed...the horrible, horrible things we've witnessed.


Here's how we rank the stank.

Movies are rated on the "Jason Head Scale", which indicates the level of pain in the following categories. As a general rule, the more Jason Heads you see, the faster you should run in the opposite direction of the movie in question.

The Scale of Pain: How hard is it to watch this movie?
1 - Hey, bad movies can be fun!
2 - Let's deny we ever rented this one.
3 - This movie eats like it has two buttholes.
4 - Don't let me swallow my tongue.
5 - Oh, God...won't someone kill me?

Rippability: How hard is it to rip on this movie?
1 - Still laughing through the credits.
2 - Strong showing, yet rips are sparse.
3 - Dabbling in the blue material (fart jokes aplenty)
4 - "I got nothin'..."
5 - Tearing at flesh by the third act.

Nudity: A little goes a long way. Beware mom walk-ins while viewing.
1 - Finger on the "stop" button.
2 - Remote in the hand.
3 - Close the door halfway.
4 - Too little, too late.
5 - Finger on the "fast-forward" button/none.

Redeeming Qualities: These include any small bit in the movie that eased the pain if only for a moment. This could be a line of dialogue, a character action, or other unexpected temporary wonderment.

Cormanian Paradox: On the flip side of redeeming, we encounter the dreaded Cormanian Paradox which means that a movie has absolutely nothing good about it at all. We're talking about the kind of bad that you almost have to strive for, folks. The paradox derives its name from that of Roger Corman, whose films methodically follow this upsetting trend.

Noteworthy Curiosities: Facts, fun or otherwise, about the film. Famous firsts, Before-They-Were-Stars stars, or any other idiosyncrasies that no one should know, let alone be bothered with.