STAR WARS EPISODE II: ATTACK OF THE CLONES (2002)

KEEP WATCHING THE SCREENS
~By Beef Lenin

It's recently come to my attention that there are two types of fans of any given form of entertainment. The first is a loving and adoring crowd that will be delighted with anything that has to do with the namesake of their affection, regardless of quality. These are the people who you will see showing up to your local cineplex dressed as Obi-Wan Kenobi. The second is a stringent fan base that digs their heels into the ground and refuses to see anything new from the franchise as independent from their original objection of devotion. This group will continue to hold the franchise to impossibly high standards, partly out of love, partly out of the hazy hindsight that only nostalgia at its best (and worst) can provide. This is by no means a judgement of either. I have things in which I am firmly in the former camp (MST3K, the work of Joe Bob Briggs). But for better or worse when it comes to Star Wars I am forever grounded in the second camp. So take my opinions with a grain or two of the proverbial salt.

Shame on you George Lucas. I don't swim in your toilet do I? It was well within your power to make something truly special with these prequels. Not only could you have brought back the magical spirit and wonder of the old sci-fi matinee serials you claim to love to a current cinematic (and world) climate of cynicism and jaded world-weariness. But you also could have brought them into the 21st century with your superior knack for special effects and creature creativity. I don't remember ever seeing a Flash Gordan episode with a fart joke…

You know the plot by now, I'll spare you the synopsis (maybe Weird Al can come up with another appallingly unfunny song to bring the uninitiated up to speed) and get to why I am officially retiring as a Star Wars geek.
The entire history of the Star Wars universe has essentially been re-written. Does the name Jester Mareel sound familiar to you? If it does, you understand. If it doesn't, don't worry about it, just remember Jango Fett and enjoy the rest of your life. I guess I can burn all of my Dark Horse comics now.
The dialogue is as clumsy and random as a blaster. Why did George Lucas feel the need to make even the most innocuous observation as dense as a William F. Buckley, Jr. speech when it's not a cringe-inducing cliche? I can't imagine ever looking over to Vocephus and announcing such platitudes as "This party's over!" and "We won't have to worry about him anymore!" and expect him to play along. You and your friends will not laugh knowingly next time one of you ceases the opportunity to exclaim "If you'll excuse me…" or "The day we stop believing in democracy is the day we lose it!"
I'll spend the rest of my life wondering if every word that comes out of my mouth is in fact a winky foreshadowing of future events. My, what implications "Who ate the leftover hash browns?" might have…?
My grandma and me have better sexual chemistry than our wooden protagonists do. I have acquired an untold number of wrinkles from the amount of involuntary wincing I engaged in every time these two exchanged embarrassingly bad sub-high school sentiment. Gentlemen, do you care to capture the heart of your lover true? Tell her that you like her much more than sand.
It's way, way, way too long. Two-and-a-half hours? Where I come from you can watch two movies and shellac a bowl a fruit in that time. If they would have handed over the movie to me, I would have dumped about 45 minutes of tender faux-love sequences and the whole useless Anakin trek for his mother episode (pushed mercilessly into a plot that doesn't really require it) and given them a fun little movie. But at this length, bring a pillow.
Jar Jar Binks. 'Nuff said.

So there you have it, more than enough disheartening reasons as to why I longer have any use for the Star Wars saga. Next time you see me, don't bother asking me whom Darth Sidious or Jango Fett is, I don't know. I don't think I can come up with a single reason to tune into the next installment. In trying to please everyone, Lucas has pleased no one. He eschewed fun, story craft, and wonderment in lieu of marketing, money, and basically creating a two-and-a-half hour show reel for ILM. Why didn't you just have Yoda walk in munching on a bag of Lay's?

However, I must admit, I was on the edge of my seat during the climatic Yoda lightsaber battle. Until I realized how much more room I had, and then I scooted back…

The Scale Of Pain

Ok, it's not that bad. I've done much, much worse and in the grand scheme of this site, it's a brilliant tour de force. Peter Travers loves anything though and I don't really plan on seeing this again

Rippability

Some good moments, Vocephus and I seem to be really successful with the Star Wars franchise, and you can't go wrong with live ripping.

Redeeming Qualities - Was "this" close to being forever damned to an eternity of the Cormanian Paradox. I'll give credit to the higher quotient of lightsaber-fu in this one with the caveat that if Valentine had lightsabers I would have enjoyed it a whole helluva lot more.