Vox Rox #5: An Open Letter to Anyone Who Has Ever Developed a Roll of Film

WORDS OF VOCEPHUS

Dear Ignorant Picture Taking Public,

My name is Vocephus, and I work in a camera store. Yes, I think you've seen me before. I smiled at you as I gave you your change for that four pack of Kodak 400 speed film. I repeat the same transaction with countless other people throughout the day, and silently ponder what sort of pictures will all these people take? I am writing this to inform you, that I eventually find out. When all your film is used up, and it's time to bring it back to me to develop, this is where the space between us closes.

A quick note on one hour photo labs: Most of the machines we use to print your negatives, utilize a small monitor which we use to color correct and such. Therefore, we see every single image you've captured on film. It's apparent you're oblivious to this, as you turn your back and giggle as you look at your prints I've just handed back to you. But I know what you're laughing at...I was giggling about the same thing not ten minutes before you walked in the door. Oh...and it's not just me, but anyone else who happens to be working at the time. As another point of interest to you, anyone who wasn't working, and our friends hear about it, too. Don't worry, we don't print extra copies of your photos. It's not worth our job just to get a chuckle or two at your stupidity...trust me, memory suffices, and the particularly gruesome pictures stay with us. You provide us with plenty of answers to the question, "ever see any weird pictures?"

Now, if I've frightened any of you away from ever picking up a disposable camera again, good. There are many alternatives out there to prevent people like me from seeing your pictures ever again. (Believe me, it's no picnic for me, either.) It's called digital. It's out there. It's affordable. Look into it. Hell, even Polaroids are cheaper than ever these days. Sure, the film costs more than the camera, but think of it as an investment in your privacy, and my peace of mind.

Now let's get right down to it. I've seen what you do. I've seen your girlfriend naked, and she's no catch. I know where you went on vacation last year, but couldn't you resist the urge to take pictures of your kids with Goofy? I know you had a wild party the other night, and I'm sorry that guy puked all over the place...nice stop-action on that spew. Yes, that was a nice roll of you with your dick out, and a big smile on your face...great lighting on those. It looked like you had a really nice Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years...it was even nicer that you managed to get all of them on one roll of film.

On behalf of the entire photographic industry, just stop it. Get your thumb out from in front of the lens. A light leak in your camera is not our fault. No, the dust that reflected from your flash is not Uncle Carl returned from the dead. AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DO YOU HAVE TO FINISH THE ROLL BY TAKING PICTURES OF YOUR CAT? Honestly, I could fill five photo albums with nothing but pictures of people's cats. Your cat is not cute...frankly, your cat sucks.

In order to help you, I'd like to start putting stickers with helpful hints written on them onto your film orders. Little things like, "Next Time, Try focus!", "Flash Can Be Your Friend!" or "Leave Your Thumb In Your Ass...It'll Keep It From Getting In Your Pictures!" Or at least a warning label, stating the obvious: "It's A Disposable Camera...What Do You Want??" To be fair, some of you take pretty good pictures. But remember, it's a print machine, not a miracle worker.

"Supposedly, a picture is worth a thousand words, but around here, they're usually worth two: 'it sucks.'" - Vocephus


The views expressed in this article may not be the views of the author. If you were offended or have any complaints about the content, please do not hesitate to cry me a river. A small baby seal was harmed in the making of this article.