Vomit God #3: 10 SONGS TO INSPIRE A POST OFFICE SHOOTING SPREE

VOMIT GOD SPEAKS


My tape player in my car is broken. I am very unhappy. I am one of those people who need a certain amount of noise to keep my sanity while I drive. My car radio works, and since I have nothing else, I listen to it. Fortunante? No. I can slowly feel my blood beginning to boil as I am forced to listen to traffic reports and shitty talk shows in the morning as I go to school. I am forced to listen to the same crap that people request at lunchtime. I am forced to listen to stupid contests with stupid prizes and the stupid people who scream and say "Yes! I can't believe it!" when they win, as if that proves that they aren't a moron to their friends. I am standing on a brink, about to fall over into insanity. Did I mention they play music? Yes, glorious music, notes as light as a feather that minstrels play as fair maidens dance. Yeah, right. Besides all the stupid unoriginal talk programming that radio airs, it's shitty music. Shit, shit shit! Here's 10 SONGS TO INSPIRE A POST OFFICE SHOOTING SPREE: (In no particular order):


10)I'M THE SLIM SHADY by EMINEM: Hey, I thought your name as Eminem, no wait, Marshall Mathers. Whatever it is, you aren't ANYTHING. Yes, people may copy you, but you whine and complain as if you invented the "asshole" look. (Wifebeaters and bleached hair) You aren't anything new, and you remind me of a mosquito, always buzzing around looking for someone new to leech off of. Oh, yeah, you aren't funny, either. Go stand in the corner like the spoiled rich brat you are, wanker.


9)ONE OF THESE NIGHTS by THE EAGLES: The Eagles were the reason why the 70's get a bad rap. Of course no one will remeber that decade as having good music when the biggest band was a wanna-be country bumpkin band that played disco when they needed a hit. I always hear this song when I turn on the planet, and when it comes on, pedestrians beware.

8)ANY SUPERTRAMP SONG: Who the hell were these guys? Why were they ever popular? Their music is too laid back and I'm afraid that I'll become comatose when I hear it. "The Logical Song" is really sad, because it reminds me of the little engine that could, except in this story, the engine doesn't. The song has no fuel or dylthium crystals to keep it going. "Take the Long Way Home" is the sound of the machine as life support is cut. I really pity this band.

7)THAT NEW OFFSPRING SONG THAT HAS "IF YOU COULD ONLY SEE MY EYES, ETC ETC.": Thankfully I don't know the name of this song when it comes on, and that's because I always turn it off. This is the reason why so many people think punk is terrible. This is the perfect representation of crappy modern day "backwards baseball cap" punk that all the tennyboppers dedicate to their girlfriends. A closed-minded version of punk that also includes MXPX, and one of the bands that comes later on this list.

6)YELLOW SUBMARINE by THE BEATLES: Alright, I know, the Beatle bashing is probably getting stale, but I can't understand why a sea ditty would be considered good only because it was done by the Beatles. Maybe I'll re-do "Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rum" and have a number one. The only thing I have left to say is Greatest Rock'n'Roll band indeed.

5)ALL THE SMALL THINGS by BLINK-182: I call them a Boy band plus, because they can actually play instruments! Now, if they could only play something good on them. This band is humiliating because they ARE the jocks who I wanted to desperately kill in high school. As a matter of fact, I know someone who they used to throw rocks at in high school in Poway, because she was considered by them to be a "freak". Hey, aren't punks the oppressed, rather than the oppressors? And why do they run around NAKED in their music videos? Oh, yes, boys, you aren't funny, either, and you are all FAGS. (Just dishing out the insults they give back. Speak french to the french and moron to the morons. Another Rock of Randomness!)



4)PANIC, AND ABOUT EVERY SONG THAT HAS MORRISSEY SINGING IT: Morrissey is a peder-ass butt pirate greaser who has an over-inflated ego and thinks everything that comes out of his mouth is a new addition to the Ten Commandments. I hate "Panic" because it is like the Oscar Meyer baloney song, you hate it so much, but you can't help but sing it! ARGH! To think that I actually caught myself singing "Hang the DJ!" is enough to make me want to buy a penance whip.


3)THAT WAY by THE BACKSTREET BOYS: The first time I heard this song, I honestly thougt it was for Folgers coffie, because only a company could make such a lame ass song. Well, I was half right. The fact of the matter is, some genius came up with the bright idea of using the same formula that is used to make commercials to pop music. You know, those jingles that you hate so much but you can easily remeber when you want to buy the product. Well, put that together with a solid merchenising plan and you have instant success. I still think this song sounds like a Folgers commercial.

2)BUTTERFLY by CRAZY TOWN: This ain't no "Wherefore art thou Romeo", that's for sure. This song has classic lines like my favorite, "All I know is you got sex appeal" and the chant "Come my lady, come come my lady." I cringe at the thought that someone most likely dedicated this shit to their girlfriend on St. Valentine's day. It's the equivalent to dressing up in skins, and clubbing the nearest female to take back to your cave.



1)PIANO MAN by BILLY JOEL: The one song that makes me seasick, and that's why I hate it. No one should be allowed to get away with passing piano ditties off as rock, by this guy does it, and so does that fruit, Elton John.

Well, if anyone would like to save me by contributing to my stereo fund, then by all means, contact me.

Oh, yeah, I'm with Mike in declaring Valentines Day to be a sham! Fuck that "holiday", and Hallmark, especially for promoting it, and also for the Hallmark Theatre on TV, for making "sarah plain and tall" into a movie. I ask all of you, if you love somebody, why wait one day a year to show it. Fuck that.

Everybody sell your stocks, the Bush tax plan is on the way, and history shows that Republicans can't maintain the government. Baby Bush told people that his plan would benefit only the wealthy and people voted for him, still.

Enough ranting.
Signed,
Vomit God.