Gandhi #6: Unconscientious Objector

Almost Comatose


"I know what we should do this Saturday. Let's let your brother drive us 70 miles in his shit-car, pay seven dollars to a hag (who can't count) to park, and then we'll walk a quarter -mile to a college football stadium parking lot. Keep in mind that your brother doesn't like 'city traffic' so we'll be there three hours before the game begins. Because there will be an unreasonable amount of time to kill and the stadium won't be open yet, we'll visit the tents on the stadium grounds. In them, we'll pay ten dollars each for a small chicken buffet and slowly browse the overpriced clothing and souvenirs conspicuously marked with the home team's logos.

"A few hours later, we'll join the flood moving into the massive, uncomfortable concrete oval. If you're still hungry or thirsty, many concession stands await with provisions costing only four times the regular price. If you want to 'eliminate,' travel through a passageway into a room without doors. In it, you'll find several troughs on both sides of the few dozen open-ended walls. What it lacks in privacy, it supplies in trepidation.

"We'll find our designated spaces on the backless metal benches and sit like Quasimodos for approximately four hours for the game and the pre-game patriotic ceremonies. Meanwhile the sun will rape your face wherever it chooses, leaving scattered red patches on your body. The university's band will do its job, which is to look dorky and play the traditional centuries-old music. It won't matter, though, because the music will be eaten by the overpowering trumpets and drums. The band and flag squad will roam around on the field making pretty shapes which will delight the immature slack-jawed crowd.

"During the game, your brother and I will yell and curse; you will sit. The young (drunk) college students in their designated upper-deck section will lead the rest of the crowd, which is largely comprised of white men and, to a much lesser extent, their (bored) female companions and bastard children. There will be more black people on the field than in the stands. The mass of humanity will yell 'defense' in unison when the other team has the ball, but will not yell 'offense' when their team is in possession of the ball.


"After beating the horrible third-rate team by twenty points, the second-rate home team will celebrate with sluts they find at bars and receiving more 'walking-around' money from the 'team backers.' We, however, will be sitting in the car for a half hour with the radio blasting the post-game report on a local station. There's no better way to follow a game than by hearing other people talk about what you just witnessed at the game. Eventually, your brother will drive the metal into the small amount of traffic. To your dismay, the broadcast will not be silenced. He and I will annoy you with our inane chatter to prove once and for all time that we're both assholes. We're not in your category of assholes though. We're worker-bee/undignified assholes, unlike you, the cynical, sarcastic, angry, and mean asshole.


"We'll stop at a McDonald's. You'll stay in the car and do nothing because you hate McDonald's. Later, as we enter our home town, I'll confirm your observation that I like your brother better than you. Of course, you will not be upset by it because now I'll be spending even less time with you. You cherish that quality non-bonding time.


"Overall, it will be a painful experience lasting twelve hours. Your general opinion of other human beings and especially your own family will fall further into to the void. Oh, and I'll be wearing a straw hat complete with big buttons of my grandchildren and a red handkerchief hanging out of one of my jeans' back pocket."


"Do you want to go?"


Had my father mentioned anything about the excursion other than the last question, I would have rejected the offer. I'm not saying that people who go to sporting events are idiots and deserving of death. Okay, I did imply that they're idiots. It's just that from my perspective, they're silly and farcical sheep who, if they lived in Europe, would be just as fervent about football (soccer) teams and causing riots.


My nephew was also with us, but I didn't mention him because he doesn't know any better; my father and brother should.

"Isn't time an arbitrary measurement rather than a force? If so, time travel is impossible." - Gandhi Mangler

"Those who seek a vision of an abiding social order based on permanent truths about human nature will not find it in sociobiology or Darwinian evolution.." - Carol Iannone, New York Press