JASON X (2002)

KEEP WATCHING THE SCREENS
~by Vox Vocephus

Having dreaded the release of yet another sequel to a movie that should have never been made in the first place, I walked into Jason X expecting standard Friday the 13th fare. And granted, while all the familiar elements were there (hyper-sexual teens from a world where ugliness has been outlawed, dialogue that would make Oscar Wilde spin in his grave, etc.) it is soon apparent that this is not your parent's Friday the 13th movie. The biggest assumed strike was putting the whole blasted affair in space. While it didn't work for the Hellraiser, and it didn't work for the Leprechaun, it proved to be solid gold for Jason.

Part of the charm of this movie, is it's apparent lack of responsibility to explain anything. Didn't Jason go to hell in the last one? Yes, but here he is now at Crystal Lake Research Facility. But didn't they kill him for good? No, Jason can't be killed. Ever. Case closed. Now he has become a boon to scientific research, but as you can imagine, Jason's free spirit can't be caged for long. And God bless him, Jason makes his first kill not five minutes into the film! Some Cryogenic Freezing-Fu ensues, and Jason and his last would-be victim find themselves 400 years in the future.

Oblivious to the ancient Jason lore (and without the handy exposition scrapbook so many Crystal Lake teens seemed to come across) he is thawed out and awaked abruptly by...you guessed it; teens having naughty sex. The movie really shifts into high gear when Jason gets the touted "upgrade" and turns into Mecha-Jason, complete with new machete and hockey mask. Not since Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret Of the Ooze have we seen such a glorious mutation of both body and head gear. As we soon see, you can take the boy out of Crystal Lake but you can't take the murderous, merciless tenancies out of the boy. Relentless as he's ever been, Jason even goes so far as to hurtle across the vacuum of space in an attempt to make those last few kills.

The Scale of Pain

I can't remember when I laughed so hard at a movie that was an intentional comedy. While Jason X is obviously penned with a slight tongue-in-cheek, it is not so blatantly comic so as to classify it with your Evil Dead's or your Dead Alive's. Not since Buckaroo Bonzai has a movie achieved such an over-the-top ridiculousness factor, while remaining deadpan about it.

Rippability

The first half of the movie, while a bit slow, was more than compensated for with the consistency and quality of the rippage. Our job was over once Mecha-Jason made the scene, and nary a rip was to be heard on account of the howling laughter and aching sides of myself and Mr. Lenin.

Nudity

As we all know, the clothes of the future will be even tighter, skimpier and more formfitting than the antiquated fashions of today. Plus, Robo-babe boobies as well as holographic 80's babes showing us their stuff.

Redeeming Qualities - Almost too many to count! Frozen face smashing, Robo-Babe-Fu, holographic sleeping bag babes, Atmospheric Boogie-boarding Jason, Hard-Core Black Guy (always a favorite character), and just the last half-hour of the movie in general. (Jason X has since usurped Carnosaur's former title of Most Redeemable Ending)

Noteworthy Curiosities - Far and away the highest death toll in any Jason movie. In addition to the majority of the Hot Teen crew, Jason takes out an elite squad of commandos, and blows up an entire space station.