I STILL KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER (1999)

KEEP WATCHING THE SCREENS
~By Beef Lenin

If you're anything like me, and I know I am, when you see a movie packed to the gills with excitement, memorable characters, and quotable lines out the wahzoo, you not only expect, but crave more. With each coming chapter you look forward with child-like whimsy to the joy you will feel when once again, you encounter that which you enjoy most. None of that has anything to do with this movie, but it's a nice thought isn't it?

Sparkling with boobs akimbo, Jennifer Love-Hewitt once again bounces and behaves her way through this snoringly predictable installment (no doubt the last) in the "Summer" thrillogy. Returning from the original cast is 46 year-old teen dream Freddie Prinze Jr. with his unmistakable going through the motion style. But hey, he's dreamy, so it's not as if it really matters, right?

The movie begins with a trip to some foreign island (essentially turning this movie into the same exact movie as its prequel in an alternate universe where our cast is shipwrecked) with her new boyfriend, future Beef Lenin obscure reference candidate Brandy, and some other teen fodder. Love-Hewitt tries her best to be likeable while being well-paid and delivering some of the worst lines in cinema history. Peppy but shallow, she seems content to let her breasts do the talking while delivering yet another "What are you waiting for? I'm right here!" speech.

Girls scream, teens die, and the deafening roar of yawns emanating from all unfortunate observers drowns out the nondescript soundtrack featuring songs "performed" by Love-Hewitt herself. I'd like to go on record as saying that this is the greatest sequel in film history. I'd like to do that but this movie bites.

The Scale Of Pain

This is no five-mask candidate by any means, but believe me, it's every bit as good as the title suggests.

Rippability

When the movie is this boring, a fart joke is a richly textured bon mot of subtle nuance and craft.

Redeeming Qualities - Should I give redemption to Jennifer Love-Hewitt prancing about in a bikini and other skimpy outfits? Oh sure, what the hell…