Vox Rox #1: Van Halen

WORDS OF VOCEPHUS


Imagine your luck! You've stumbled across the very first installment of the Non-Specifically Linked Rant by none other than yours truly!

Ya know, it ain't gonna be too much longer, and no one is going to care about Van Halen anymore, let alone remember who they are. Van Halen is my all time favorite band, but as far as I'm concerned they died in a horrible plane wreck in the Andes Mountains in 1985 (i.e. the year Dave left the band). But alas, the Mighty VH trudged on, and whlle there are some decent tunes to be found in the Van Hagar incarnation, let's face it; it's Dave or the grave. Yes, we tried Gary Cherone, and promptly made sure Music Trader's across America were fully stocked with copies of Van Halen III. But Gary's out, just as quick as he came. So where is Eddie Van Halen now?


Exactly...were there any justice. Where are Alex and Mike? Aw, that's easy. Look no further than the bottom of Edward's thumb. So where is Dave? Didn't have some moderate success and some moderately good music with his DLR Band?



Yes! It's David "Weave" Roth, chauffeur to the stars! Yeah, Dave's DLR Band was pretty good. I mean, he showed the world what he could have been doing had Van Halen had the good sense not to let the reunion fall apart. Still in all, the two parties did their best work when they were together. (Note: I ended up selling both the DLR Band album and Van Halen III on the same day at Music Trader. Dave's newest solo effort fetched three bucks, while VHIII got me a measely one dollar. There's some vindication for ya!)


So history repeats itself; Van Halen is once again left with an empty mic stand, and Dave...well, Dave can put in his two week notice at the Home Depot anytime. So again, the rumours are flying left and right. "Dave's back, and the new album is due next month!", "Dave and VH are going to throw out the first pitch at the World Series!", "The classic VH lineup will parachute into the president's impeachment hearing and play a scorching two-half-hour set!", "Dave has been spending the night at Eddie's house, and they've been recording songs and eating s'mores!" And on and on and on... Do I really buy into any of this? Well, I may have for awhile. I followed the rumours, and watched as each one was systematically prooven false. Just like the long list of supposed new lead singers; David Coverdale, Larry "Bud" Melman, Jim Morrison, Yoko Ono, William Shatner...hell, there was a time where I even thought I had a shot at being the new singer. I got a mysterious message on my answering machine that went like this:
"Hey, gimmie a call back sometime, it's important...later."
He didn't leave his name, but I'm almost certain it was likely it could have been Eddie Van Halen.

So the waiting continues, perhaps in vain, but VH fans need something to cling to. They ought to announce something one way or the other. The big hope is that because niether Dave nor VH has stepped forward to deny the rumours, it makes them true. It is uncharacteristic of Dave to have kept his mouth shut this long, but still... It's time, boys. Shit, or get off the pot. Give us some rock 'n' roll, or at least tell us you've retired.



Has Dave finally been released from the prison for 80's pop-culture icons? (Corey Feldman hopes to make parole by next summer. Note lifer Boy George in the background.)



The views expressed in this article may not be the veiws of the author. If you were offended or have any complaints about the content, please do not hesitate to cry me a river. A small baby seal was harmed in the making of this article.