Beef Lenin

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Talifan Mail
One Man's Struggle to Come to Terms after Terrorism Finally Hits Home
by Beef Lenin

Recently, due to fear of further terrorist attacks, my parents cancelled what was to be a two-week long sojourn throughout the East Coast. This was a blow more devastating then the time I realized that sooner or later, whether you want it to happen or not, Judge Reinhold will appear on your favorite situation comedy.

One of the perks that I was especially angry about missing out on was the $100 cash I was to be left after my parents departed. One hundred dollars American! Do you know what that means to a guy who often calls sperm banks to ask if they pay by the hour? In my anger and unquenchable thirst for revenge I looked around for someone to blame. And I found him: Osama bin Laden. With poison pin in hand, I wrote him a letter demanding he refund my $100. After all, this was his entire fault. The following is the letter I sent to Pakistan's Al-Jezeera television network with the request that they send it along to bin Laden.

Dear Mr. Bin Laden,
I am writing this letter to inform you that because of your cowardly surprise attack on our nation and the fundamental inalienable rights of mankind, you owe me $100.
My parents cancelled their two-week trip after your announcement that the "storm of planes would not cease" and subsequently trounced any hopes I had at living the life of a swinging bachelor.

Normally I wouldn't come out and ask this of an infamous terror mastermind like yourself, but I feel that it is necessary given that fact that I already operate on a slimmer profit margin than the airlines that you have used so effectively against us. Since you are a tycoon, I figure you can spare the money. I have also enclosed my e-mail address in case it is more convenient for you to reach me that way. But I give it to you only on the condition that you promise to never send me "Joke of the Day" forwards. Talk to you later.
Infidelly Yours,

Glen
P.S. Thanks for sparing my hometown of San Diego.



Much to my surprise, I received a reply rather quickly. Here it is:



Dear Glen,
By the time you have finished this sentence you will have contracted a potent military-grade strain of the anthrax virus.

Haha, had you going there didn't I? Just because I am God's chosen lieutenant in the holiest of Jihads that doesn't mean I can't have a few laughs along the way. Anthrax? I can't even get my Jell-O molds to harden, and I am supposed to make anthrax?
San Diego is a lovely town, I didn't send any planes there because of my hope that one day the Simon&Simon reunion movie will be made. Do they still film Renegade there? I get terrible reception down here in these northeastern Afghani caves. Not that I'm hiding out in northeastern Afghani caves…

I'm sorry to hear about your parents canceling their trip. I remember one time during my fraternity days (back when they called me "Osama bin Drinkin") when my parents canceled their vacation and completely ruined my brothers' plan to unleash the God's mustard gas on a nearby Pakistani city during Homecoming.. As you can imagine, I was pretty disappointed. Well, I guess the sun can't shine on the same camel's ass every day.

About your request for the $100 American, money has been tight around here since your atheistic, imperialist swine of a president has frozen my assets. It's limited our diets to off-white rice and as you can imagine, the "I'm freezing my assets off!" jokes have been run into the ground. When things pick up around here I'll send you a "My Immortal Soul was Bathed in the Cleansing Fire of Jihad and all I got was this Crappy Khimar" T-shirt. I hope that provides sufficient consolation. Well, I suppose the Armageddon isn't going to fight itself. Feel free to drop me a line anytime.

Holiestly Yours,
Osama bin Laden



A letter like that really gives a guy perspective on global events. I guess we're really all the same when we aren't hiding behind the smokescreen of symbols or esoteric holy orders. I reached out to America's new enemy in an attempt to better understand global plight, the human condition, and the methods of madmen, and all I got was this crappy Khimar…