BLAIR WITCH 2: BOOK OF SHADOWS (2000)

KEEP WATCHING THE SCREENS
~By Beef Lenin

Finally, within my lifetime I have encountered a movie that perfectly balances tedium with unscariness. I think that I am in the minority when I say that the original installment of the Blair Witch thrillogy was a bag of flaming poop on the doorstep of all things entertaining. The epitome of success being achieved at the serendipitous hands of diminished standards, the original Blair Witch was a poorly acted, poorly written (the biggest plot point involving a major character confessing to kicking the map into the river? Because…?) Poorly filmed research experiment testing the logical limits of P.T. Barnum's most astute of observations. Since it was an overwhelming success (apparently at proving that there really is one born every minute) a sequel was not only probable, but also inevitable. My how said sequel made me pine for the original…?

Using a confusing framing device of our plucky non-heroes being taken into police custody on suspicion of killing nondescript characters, Book of Shadows takes us through one dull, disheartening sequence after another. Beginning with a group of people going on a guided tour of the original Blair Witch stomping grounds and engaging in an evening of drunken hedonism (apparently to escape the boredom of the film we've all found ourselves in). This inevitably leads to a bunch of other stuff that doesn't make any sense before they all end up in a large house accusing each other of foul play. So basically we have the same exact movie, but in a big house, and an even greater quotient of diminishing marginal returns. Blair Witch mania is dead, long live Blair Witch mania.
Bad acting, bad story and a hilarious rap-metal soundtrack already so-dated that only a couple of years later it makes this movie about as culturally relevant as Thrashin' make for an all-around putrid experience.

The Scale Of Pain

Do I even need to do any of this!? For the love of…please don't rent this movie!

Rippability

Does asking my dog to bite my face off count?

Nudity

Some nice gothic chick in underwear scenes keeps me on the lookout for mom, but nothing to write home about.

Cormanian Paradox - Off the charts.