A Cosby Xmas

by Vomit God



(Scene 1: Bill's living room. Bill and Theo are trimming a tree ornamented with condoms, tampons, and a golden dildo on top.)


Bill: It shore looks good!

Theo: When is Santa coming, Dad?

Bill: You still belevin' that Santa Claus hoozlebub!? Boy, there ain't no Santa Claus an' I'm sure o' that as I'm sure that I have a big black cock!

Theo: So, who brought all of our presents last year?

Bill: It was the hard workin' individuals at F Street. Now quit yo' whinin' an' pick up that present over there. An' remember what Ah told you about bendin' over!

Theo: Yes, Dad, as far as I can and count to a hundred.

Bill: That's mah boy! A-Ho-Ho-Ho!

THAT NIGHT:


(Theo is sleeping, Suddenly a loud moan awakens him.)


Theo: Santa!


(Theo runs to the living room and finds Santa on the floor. His pants are down and blood dribbles from his mouth.)


Santa: Theo...

Theo: Santa, what's wrong?

Santa: I pleasured myself with your tree ornament and it was too much for my poor old heart to handle. I think my heart exploded....

Theo: Oh, no! What can I do?

Santa: My time is up, Theo. You and your father must take my place, farewell...


(Santa's eyes roll up in his head, and he dies. Bill enters.)


Bill: What the fuck is all the ruckus, boy!?

Theo: Dad, Santa died and he said we have to deliver the presents.

Bill: Boy, there's only one man who says, "Ho Ho Ho" an' it's me!


(Suddenly, the roof breaks and a reindeer peers in.)


Theo: Now do you believe me?

Bill: Damn reindeer! Ah need that roof ta watch the neighbors fuck!


(Bill and Theo climb to the roof and find Santa's sleigh and reindeer.)


Bill: Get the fuck offa mah roof befo' Ah pull yo' antlers off and beat yo' asses down!


(Bill kicks a reindeer. The reindeer bucks Bill into the sleigh, which starts to fly away as Theo grabs on.)


Theo: Wait up, Dad!


(Scene 3: The North Pole. Mrs. Claus is waiting for Santa.)


Mrs. Claus: Where is he? He's never this late.


(Suddenly, the sleigh appears and crashes. Theo runs out with a large, novelty sized candy cane up his anus.)


Theo: Ow! Ow!

Bill: Shut up, boy! You get bigger things up yo' ass every night! A-Ho-Ho-Ho!


(Suddenly, Bill grimaces and holds his head.)


Bill: That's the last time Ah drive while on mah medication! Damn genital warts!

Mrs. Claus: What is the meaning of this?

(Bill squints, and sees Mrs. Claus as a hoochie mama, a size effect of his medication.)


Bill: Woah, feets get movin'!


(Bill jumps out of the sleigh.)


Bill: Yo, what up? Mah name's Bill an Ah gots a present fo' ya!

(Bill pulls down his pants to reveal a ribbon tied around his penis. Mrs. Claus gasps.)


Bill: This was fo' Theo, but the true meanin' o' Christmas is ta share! A-Ho-Ho-Ho!


(Mrs. Claus faints. One of Santa's elves comes out.)


Elf: Hey! What did you do to Santa!?

Bill: Beat is shorty, or I'll send yo' ass back ta munchkin land!


(Bill pounds the elf on the head. The elf bites Bill, which brings him back to his senses.)


Bill: Why, she ain't nothin' but an ugly old ho! Come on, boy, let's leave this wrinkled vagina discount store!


(Bill and Theo get on the sleigh, and it takes off.)


(Scene 4: A few hours later. The sleigh has crashed. Bill and Theo sit huddled under the wreckage of the sleigh in the middle of a blinding blizzard. Most of the reindeer are alive, but a few are dead or dying.)


Bill: This is yo' fault, boy! If you hadn't distracted mah ass by takin' out yo' cock, we'd be home right now! You know Ah can't drink and drive!

Theo: But I had to pee!

Bill: The only thing you'll be peein' is blood when I'm through wit' you! Now, help me think of a way outta this here mess!


(Two reindeer begin to hump.)


Bill: Ugh! Animal sex shore is nasty!


(Bill pulls out a flare gun and blows both of the reindeer's heads off. Their bodies continue to twitch.)


Theo: Dad! We could have used that to signal for help!

Bill: THAT'S IT! I'm tired of yo' mouthin', boy!


(Bill chases Theo and continually hits him with the butt of the flare gun. Bill accidently trips over a reindeer's body. He gets up with reindeer meat in his mouth.)


Bill: MMM! Reindeer shore is good! Come on, boy! We have enough food o' weeks!


(Two reindeer look at each other and shudder.)


(Scene 5: A few days later. Reindeer bones lie all over the area. Bill and Theo lie contently under the sleigh.)


Bill: Have we eaten them, all, boy?

Theo: Let's see, we just ate Dasher and Prancer. That leaves only that one.


(Theo points to Rudolph, the red nosed reindeer, who looks at Bill and Theo doe eyed.)


Rudolph: Please don't eat me, kind sirs.

Bill: A talkin' reindeer with a glowin' red nose. How 'bout that.

Rudolph: Of course! I'm Rudolph the red nosed reindeer.

Bill: Well, I'm Bill Cosby, the black cocked man, but you don't see me advertisin'!

Rudolph: We could use my glowing red nose to get out out of this blizzard.

Bill: Of course. Yo' so cute, Rudolph! Come here an' let me pet you.


(Rudolph innocently goes over to Bill.)


Bill: HA! AH FOOLED YO' ASS!


(Bill slits Rudolph's throat with a knife. Blood spurts everywhere. Rudolph makes gurgling noises as he dies.)


Theo: Dad! You killed Rudolph!

Bill: Well, aren't you the smart, one, Professah Theo!


(Bill uses the knife to cut off Rudolph's nose to use as a light.)


Bill: Now, let's get outta here!


(Bill and Theo walk a few feet until they come to a house. They look in shock as they reaize it is theirs.)


Theo: Well, what do you know? We were in the woods behind our house this whole time!


(Bill looks at his watch.)


Bill: Come on, boy! Adam an' Eve are havin' a 24 hour cumathon!


(Bill and Theo go inside.)



THE END