Bill Cosby Gets a Job

by Vomit God



(Scene 1: Gary's Adult Book Store. Bill and Theo are talking to Gary, the owner.)


Gary: I'm sure glad I found you two to run my new store!

Theo: You can count on us, sir!


(Bill slaps Theo.)


Bill: Shut yo' mouth befo' Ah stick mah dick in it, boy!

Gary: I'll leave you to your job. Have a good day, fellas!


(Gary leaves. Bill begins to drool.)


Bill: Look at this place, boy! This is heaven on earth! A-Ho-Ho-Ho!

Theo: It's just a bunch of junk.

Bill: JUNK!? Boy, Ah oughta smack yo' head so hard yo' eyes 'll come out yo' ass! This is a goldmine!


(Bill begins to do a "Singing in the Rain" dance across the store.)


Bill: Dildoes, cream, novelties, toys...Even an X-Rated Tickle Me Elmo.


(Bill pulls it's string.)


Tickle Me Elmo: Tickle me a little lower, hot buns.

Bill: Uhhh....It's too much ta take!


(The door opens. A blind woman walks in.)


Theo: Dad! A customer!


(Bill runs to the counter.)


Bill: How can Ah help you, little lady?

Blind Woman: I'll have a Big and Tasty, large fries...

Theo: Hey, McDonalds is across the street!

Bill: Shut up, boy! She can find plenty o' things ta eat here! A-Ho-Ho-Ho!

Blind Woman: Where am I?

Bill: Welcome to Bill's Hot Dog palace! The only hot dog you suck!

Blind Woman: Really? You suck it?

Bill: Here, why don't you try one on the house?


(Bill pulls down his pants and puts his penis on a hot dog bun.)


Bill: Now remember, no teeth!


(The woman blows Bill.)


(15 Minutes Later:)


Bill: Oh, that shore felt good! By the way, why're you blind?

Blind Woman: A rare strain of genital herpes.


(Bill's jaw drops. He looks at Theo.)


Bill: Why didn't you tell me this ho was dirty!?

Theo: How should I know?

Bill: Prepare ta meet yo' maker, boy!


(Bill takes a leather bondage whip off of a rack and chases Theo.)


Theo: Go easy, Dad!

Bill: Ah am goin' easy! Now take yo' lumps like a man!


{Theo accidently steps on a milk squriting dildo and it squirts Bill in the eye, blinding him.)


Bill: I'm as blind as a bat!


(Bill bumps into a shelf and it falls on the blind woman, killing her.)


Theo: Oh, shit!


(The phone rings and Bill answers it. It is Gary.)


Gary: How are things in there?

Bill: Oh, uh, they're fine!

Gary: That's good, because I'm coming over in five minutes.


(Bill sputters.)


Bill: Uh...Alright, see you then.


(Bill hangs up the phone.)


Bill: Fuck! Come on, boy! Let's get this bitch's body into the dumpster!


(FIVE MINUTES LATER:)

(Bill and Theo have just got the Blind Woman's body from under the shelf, and have just tidied up the store when Gary walks in. Bill and Theo perk up and stand in front of the body with forced smiles on their faces.)


Gary: Why, the store looks spotless! Uh...What's behind your back?

Bill: Uh...Nothin'.

Gary: Let me see.

Theo: No.

Gary: WHAT'S BEHIND YOUR FUCKING BACKS!!!!????


(Gary struggles with Bill and Theo and breaks through them. The Blind Woman's body is revealed.)


Gary: Why, that must be the new European blow up doll I ordered! It's so...lifelike. I'm going to try it out.

(Gary picks up the body.)


Gary: Pretty heavy.


(Gary goes into the back, and soon, moans are heard. Bill and Theo grimace in disgust. Gary comes out, sweaty and panting.)


Gary: Boys, I think these new dolls will be a hit! I'm so happy, I'm giving you boys a raise!

Bill: Oh, it shore is good!


(ONE MONTH LATER:)

(Bill and Theo are working, when a woman comes into the store.)


Woman: I bought a dildo from this store, and I got pregnant!

Bill: Well, you shoulda known it was used merchandise, bitch!

Woman: I'm suing the hell out of you!

Bill: Now, boy!


(Theo pulls out a hammer and hits the woman on the head. Her brain hemmorrages, and she dies. Bill and Theo shake hands.)


Bill: Ah set 'em up, an' you knock 'em down! A-Ho-Ho-Ho!

Theo: Gary should triple our raise after this!


(ONE WEEK LATER:)

(Gary is in the back room unknowingly copulating with a corpse. Bill and Theo snicker while he moans. Soon, he comes out.)


Gary: I'm making you guys secondary owners!


(A policeman comes in. He pulls out a picture of Bill and Theo's last victim.)


Policeman: Have you seen this woman?


(Bill and Theo crowd around the picture so Gary can't see.)


Bill: Oh...We ain't never seen her 'round here befo'...Uh...A-Ho-Ho-Ho!

Theo: Nope! Never seen her!


(Bill and Theo force themselves to smile. The officer turns to Gary.)


Policeman: How about you?

Bill: He ain't never seen her!

Policeman: Hey! You keep out of this!


(As the policeman prepares to show Gary, Bill slaps a porn picture on the woman's picture. The policeman rips it off.)


Policeman: Enough games!


(Gary sees the picture, and he faints.)


Policeman: I'm arresting all of you on suspicion of murder!

(Bill pulls the officer's cap over his eyes.)


Bill: Run like we did to the puddin' pop sale, boy!


(Bill and Theo run. The officer pulls out a gun and shoots Bill in the anus.)


Theo: Didn't that hurt, Dad?

Boy, Ah get things up mah ass every night! Now keep runnin'!


(The policeman chases Bill and Theo into the sunset.)


THE END