Vomit God #18: Behind the Muzak

Vomit God: Behind the Muzak

For my 18th official article, I would like to divert from the standard nitpicking and name calling to answer all the nitpicking and name calling associated with none other than yours truly! There seems to be a lot of myths going around about I, Vomit God, Lover of (delicious) animals, freedom (from N'Sync) fighter, Slayer of Gallion at the Battle of Xuttuh. The truth is, I'm not a bad person! And I'll force you to believe it as I take excerpts from articles and fan mail from the WOV! Here's some now:

Our first one is from the "Rocks of Randomness" feature, written by one Caelestis, now commonly known as Kaiser:

"If you find yourself in an alley with Vomit God it's already too late."

Yes, Caelestis/Kaiser, it is already too late. Too late to turn back the effects of spray cans on the ozone layer. Too late for that little boy who chased after his ball into the middle of a crowded intersection. Too late to stop production on "Goonies II." I could go on, but hey. NEXT!

"Web Whiz Tommy" wrote this in a fan mail to Vocephus. The very first one too:

"I love your site! You need to update it more. I come to it everyday to read the wit of (some other writer) and Vomit God."

Dear Tommy,
Thank you, my dear boy. It's not everyday that someone recognizes WIT amongst the SHIT! This gives me an idea. I'll start my own country! (Fan clubs are puny.)
Rest assured America, that Barlonzoland will crush you within the next few millenia!

Vocephus's main squeeze Dax had this to say about my Tony award winning "Bill Cosby Plays":

"Vomit God, I was able to read the Bill Cosby plays and well I must say I have never thought of him in that way, but hey whatever floats the preverbal boat"

Dax, girl, did people ever think of Ted Bundy in "that way" when they found out his nervous habit of killing women? What about Jeffrey Dahmer? Tim McVeigh? These folks were seemingly nice until they were found to have an odd habit of killing. By the way, the "preverbal boat" floats with the aid of soda crackers.

Here's a moldy oldie: The Mike had a few words to say about my opinion about the Fab Four in my very first work, the Top 50 albums:

"Fuck Vomit God! The Beatles are still awesome."

I say: Fiddlesticks!

The last piece comes from Desservo's piece about all the WOV staff. Just like all manure, I spread it out in sections so I could make something good come out of it. Lets see what the "new guy" had to say:

"Vomit God: Ah, 80 pounds of sweat, greasy hair and pimples in ass-tight jeans and a tattered Fugazi T-Shirt. "

(The last time I checked, I owned neither ass-tight jeans nor a Fugazi T-shirt. He must be talking about Vomit God mark II currently in production in a secret lab in the Kansas mountains. What a spoiler.)

"This pathetic pile of shit is a dirty recluse and hasn’t seen the light of day in a good solid nine years. "

(That's not true! I haven't seen the light of day in eight years!)

"No wonder why he’s so bitter all the time. "

(Actually, if you add just a dash of paprika, I have a flavor unlike mock duck, which is quite delicious with a chilled chardonay.)

"The man is 21 years old and his dad still beats him to a retarded pulp for not taking out the trash on time, and his mom still gives him a time out in the corner with a dunce hat for throwing a fit."

(Hey, your dad would beat you to a retarded pulp too if you didn't conceal all the pus and cyborg porn concealed within. As for what my mom does, "Time out" is a special time where I can be with myself. I often reflect upon the days events, like the massive loads I shot on my "lunch break.")

"Well, you can’t blame Vomit for getting short-fused with his parents; I’d be pissed if my parents made me wear a helmet all the time."

(Yeah, I just hate being a jet fighter.)

"What this boy is going to do with his life, God only knows – but He won’t tell us because he can’t stand to hear his children laughing."

(You're right! I hate my kids! You would, too if you saw how they looked at you with their glowing red eyes, and how they try to claw mine out!)

Well, that was fun. Keep the comments coming. Remember, the game of baseball has a batter as well as a pitcher. Taa taa.