Vomit God #13: More Useless People

VOMIT GOD SPEAKS


Hey, it's me, back again with another dose of truthful lung-butter. Since I last wrote my article about people I hate, I have drawn battle lines against five more groups of oxygen wasters that PISS ME OFF!!! Many of these are work related, so bear with me. Without further ado, here's FIVE MORE GROUPS OF PEOPLE I HATE:

1) MARINES: In a way, I hope good old Saddam builds up his strength for his second round with the US, SO HE CAN KILL THESE FUCKERS!!! I have a good reason to hate these bastards, too: they take all the hot girls. Every fem seems to go bonkers for the Gomer Pile Buzz cut look. Every HOT girl. Man, no wonder Ted Bundy got all the chicks. Girls love killing machines! I personally want to drop a few mustard gas containers into Camp Pendelton. STAY AWAY FROM THE HOT GIRLS, GI JOE. I heard the government says it's ok to engage in homosexual activities, so I suggest you do so. Another reason why I hate these fuckers is because they used to call me everyday trying to get me to join. That was until I called George W a Nazi Oil Baron. I guess some people can't handle the truth.

2)FOREIGNERS: Now, don't get me wrong. The French are fine, and the Dutch are dandy, and I'm anything but racist, but do all these people have to bug me at work? Let me explain: I work at a Ritz camera a mere three miles away from an international border, the busiest one on the planet, as a matter of fact, and I get not only Mexicans, but Filipinos, assorted Asians, Italians, etc. etc. So naturally, they all come into my store, which I have no problem with. What I DO have a problem with is when they start getting a little too cozy, and begin treating me as if I were a native in their country. EVERY FUCKING WORK DAY I get about a hundred questions of "hablas espanol?" And when I say no, they get mad! FUCK THAT! What country are they in!? It sure as hell ain't Mexico!! I actually had a rich Mexican broad call me all sorts of names in her tongue because I didn't speak her shit! Another thing I hate is when the Asians come in and try to bargain down camera prices, like a fucking Hong Kong fish market!!! What the fuck is this, 17th century fur-trapping Canada!? Do I look like Pocahontas!? "You can have this camera for 3 shells and 7 beaver pelts." Maybe next time I'm in their countries I'll go into a restaurant, and demand hamburgers, snickerdoodles, and baseball on the TV.

3)OLD PEOPLE: Goddamn, they are right about age differences. No old people like me, I swear! Whenever I try to make a camera sale to them, they always say, "Speak up, man!" or, "What's that you say?" I hate it when I wait about 5 minutes for an old person to cross the street while I am waiting in my car, too. They are hard to deal with, they are hard to bargain with, and goddamn it, they are slow. And talk about paranoid, God, every last one of those old fucks! The ones I do like are the extra crotchety, foul-mouthed ones, like Redd Foxx. God, I hope I'm like Fred Sanford when I'm sixty-five.

4) THE PEOPLE IN LA JOLLA: I think I've touched upon this before, but recently, having to go up there for work related business, it refueled the fire in my gut. The women in La Jolla are bitchy, mean, and caniving They continually try to best each other. The men are all pony-tailed, slack wearing, 200 dollar sunglasses owning assholes, who constantly have a cell phone glued to their ears. La Jolla is just like Beverly Hills, and I bet all the yuppies there are just as coked out. Goddamn multimillion dollar cuisine eating cunts. Give me rice cakes with salsa and grape juice any day. I bet black curtains were put up everywhere in that town when Cunnanan did Versacce in.

5)PEOPLE INTO HIP HOP CULTURE: Rap started off as a good idea, to let young kids in ghettos let off steam. Soon, however, as rap got bigger, so did the wallets, and subsequently, so did the egos. Now songs about "bitches and ho's" dominate the rap charts, and every rap video has live Barbie dolls dancing around half naked while "Big Daddy" flaunts his wealth like a straight-A report card. I believe that weak minds are easily influenced, and this is evidenced by the hundreds of people wearing baggy pants and sports jerseys every day. One time I was confronted by a troupe of these hoodlums about my Jam shirt. "Yo, this man likes to jam," was followed by sarcastic "props" given. (Mostly by me.) A very materialistic gaggle indeed.

That's all 4 now. Send questions to beatitude6@hotmail.com. Until next time, keep clubbing those baby seals.