The Mike Files #14

by Michael Castleberry

The second of November, in the year of our Lord, 2001.


The Mike is aware that he has been a tad lax lately, oh, to hell with that, The Mike has been downright lazy, on the brink of sloth (my 2nd favorite deadly sin next to lust)

Now The Mike is aware that you all want to know what goes on in that great mind of his ( c'mon, humor me a little bit here) So, I will take you all on a wonderful, Phantasmagorical trip through the inner workings of my psyche.......

First off on this trip, we find the "creative epicenter" from here sprung many a song, poem, or practical joke from time to time (although the jokes always backfire, maybe Vox and I need a better codeword than "Potato")

Since this IS my column, and I can write whatever the hizze I want, and none of you can stop me, I will bless you with a little poetry, entitled "Oh My God, I Broke My Leg"

Oh my God!
My leg is broke!
Fuck!
Don't just stand there you pick!
Stop laughing and help me!
I'm not fucking around here!
It really is broken!
Look, the fucking bone is popping out!
See!?
There, are you fucking happy!?
I know I fell of my bike asshole!
You think it just broke on it's own!?
Thank god, the neighbor called for help
Some help you guys are
Fuckers!

Now if that isn't an award winner, i don't know what is, now unfortunately, this tour won't be long, considering all that pretty much goes on up there is beer, women, rock and roll, and my plans for a time traveling De Lorean, so, maybe picking my brain ISN'T the best idea, so, i think i'll let it wander a bit.....

Seriously, if 7-11 is open 24 hours, why are there locks on the doors?
Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Did we really need FOUR Karate Kid movies? I know the 4th one had a girl, but is Daniel-san the biggest pussy or what, they made THREE movies about him getting his ass kicked by bullies, if he can't shake them by the third movie, maybe he needs to rethink his strategy in life. I mean, c'mon now, even the Japanese knew he needed his ass beat for Christ sake.

Could Dead Alive possibly be the greatest movie of all time? I vote yes, citizen cane can suck my nut sack, I'd much rather see a couple zombies fucking and conceive a child over some guy talking about a sled any day. Indeed, what we really DO need is another war. C'mon, lets rally for this classic to be number 1, it kicks ass for the lord!

Why do I have the most horrible luck with the ladies? Things always start good, then go to hell, worst of all, its all documented here by good ol' Vox Vocephus. From Wendy to Sara, whom you lovingly dubbed "Jabba the Slut" it's all there right in front of your naked, steaming eyes. I know the guys get a good laugh at my expense, but any ladies that look at the sight probably dub me a loser right on the spot, and now we even got a female staffer. On a side note, welcome to the family Hot Alicia, just think of me as a weird cousin.

I know the secret of the origins of Vocephus, do you?

When did alcohol become my best friend? I really need to kick it with Drunken Dwarf lately, could trade drinking stories.

When in TJ, and a whore tells you "one dollar for me" RUN! You just found out the market price of herpes

rock and roll quote of the day: You tell me I'm a sinner, I've got news for you. I spoke to God this morning and he don't like you!-Ozzy Osbourne, I don't wanna change the world.

David Lee Roth is God

And I will leave you with.......

ROCK AND ROLL WILL NEVER DIE

-The Mike