SPIDER-MAN (2002)

KEEP WATCHING THE SCREENS
~By Beef Lenin

Brilliant businessmen were behind the Spider-Man film. As long as the movie was in focus and it featured Spider-Man in one or two scenes it was a guaranteed smash hit with the mall crowd. Brilliant again was the decision to have film demigod Sam Raimi as the director and actual god Stan Lee as executive producer. This insured that even skeptical film/comic geeks such as myself would proclaim "Hey! Raimi is directing! Lee is executive producing! There's no way it could be bad!" Having covered all their bases, they were free to make the movie as crappy as they wanted to.

Heir to the lineage of countless summer blockbusters starring the ubiquitous actor Special E. Ffect, Spider-Man is a de rigeur super-hero "origins" movie that doggedly refuses to show anything but close ups of everyone and everything, giving the film an almost suffocating claustrophobia. I'm not even sure what exactly Sam Raimi was directing here. Was it the computer generated sequences featuring Spider-Man flailing about like a partially melted Gumby? Or the skull-drainingly dull character sequences in which Raimi apparently just said "Here, read that cue card over there while I shove this camera in your face." The camera should not be so close that I can count the pores on a character's face.

Thank goodness they didn't mess with the Spider-Man costume. This was something I had been worrying about ever since I saw the X-Men movie and first heard about a Spider-Man film. This is the happiest part about the movie and I'm left with nothing to complain about in regards to how Spider-Man was represented. However, I have more than a few reservations about the Green Goblin's outfit. Remember when the Green Goblin looked like a deranged Santa Claus assistant with pointy shoes, a big hat, and green face paint? Well, not anymore. Now he is in an unwieldy, metallic get-up with that hilariously dumb looking exo-buffness that made the Batman films of the '90s such a chore to look at. Also added was a perma-grined articulate mouth. He looks more suited to do battle with the Power Rangers or the Guyver.

This film also receives the Episode II award for groan-inducing, unintentionally hilarious love sequences that make your average episode of Dawson's Creek appear to have the emotional depth of Romeo and Juliet by comparison. Once again I sit there stuffing popcorn into my ears in a desperate attempt to block out the embarrassing platitudes coming from our equally bored actors. This culminates in the most awkward, tedious declaration of love since Anakin Skywalker's "sand" speech in which Peter Parker intimates to Mary Jane Watson (should have been Gwen Stacy, but I'll spare you all that) that when he is around her he is "strong, yet weak", "excited, yet terrified", "everything, but nothing." This is when I just couldn't take it anymore and went out to the snack bar to decide if I felt like "cola, or uncola." When I got back, he was still going. Yeesh.

Once again I am left with that all-too-familiar feeling of wasted potential of a good idea. Spider-Man features not one bit of memorable dialogue, not one memorable scene or Spider-move, and not one reason too ever seen it again. Typical of the new wave of disposable super-hero blockbusters (or Velveeta) Spider-Man is to be paid too much money for, quickly consumed, and then instantly forgotten. This is essential to enjoying the Hulk movie coming out next summer, which will no doubt recycle the formula. For your average Starbuck's drinking mall patron this is more than enough, however, for the rest of us who are no longer impressed by loud noises and shiny things, it isn't. Much like the genetically enhanced arachnids that inhabit its world, Spider-Man bites.

The Scale Of Pain

That's right! 4 masks! This movie eats, plain and simple. Another idol slain at the hands of Hollywood. Michael Bay might as well have directed it.

Rippability

Since I took in this stinkburger alone, I had no one to bounce the rips off of, but Vocephus and I should come back to this one soon, we could make beautiful music I'm sure.

Redeeming Qualities - You would think cameos by Bruce Campbell, Ted Raimi, and Lucy Lawless would send the redemption factor through the roof. They don't. But they do save this film from the Cormanian Paradox.