Raphael #20: The 4AM Rant

Do bugs bother me? Why yes, yes they do, we should send them to the moon so they can have their own planet then maybe one day they’ll come to earth in a spaceship and of course mankind will have blown each other up by then, but when they come they decide to make an amusement park and name it, what the fuck does it matter what they name it, the point is that we can genetically clone humans to hunt them for sport, you may call it barbaric but what if the only clones we are allowed to hunt are clones of ourselves, then it’s not barbaric its just fucking super cool.

Have you ever wondered why the sun is so hot. Maybe it’s because it’s pissed off and it’s trying to kill us with heat, you know what the sun is an asshole and tomorrow I’m going to go outside and flip that bastard off for being an ass, and while I’m at it I think I’ll have superman do my laundry while I lay back and sip the sweet sweet juice of victory mixed with a lot of spite and a hint of lemon lime Dr. Skipper. And if you don’t like Dr. Skipper you are obviously a weirdo or at least someone who doesn’t know the joy of hunting his clone so that we can feast upon his heart and gain his knowledge of under water basket weaving. You know you want to come.

Do you think one day we will be able to build a computer so complex that it won’t even know its not a robot, then do you think it would be cruel to destroy all it’s hopes and dreams by telling it that it’s a robot. Think about it as the robot rips off your arms, why you ask, because the robot is a Wookie, why because it doesn’t make sense (Pulls out a stuffed monkey) look at the monkey does this make sense, Wookies are from the Planet Kishik so what does that have to do with anything, nothing it doesn’t make sense but why the hell would you build a human robot we already know humans, well some of us do, the rest of us spend our days growing opium on an underground
farm in New Wasakee, where is that you ask, you have obviously not figured out not to ask questions now go to the corner and think about what you’ve done you trouble causing crack ass. And why won’t anyone make me muffins.

Now I have to ask you and I seriously want an answer, who are these weird German people on my TV? I know it’s 4 am but what are they doing on my TV? Oh cruel fate why must you torture me with you incessant Germans and their dancing, oh wait never mind they’re gone. Next time they show up they better have some fucking struddle for me, and that goes for all you others Germans reading this as well, I’m watching you, and those shifty Siberian Cultists in your trunk yeah I’m on to you, I saw Indiana Jones. They try to take over the world a few times and all of a sudden they
can drive around with Siberian Cultists in their trunk, I tell ya, I don’t know what this world is
coming to.

When I’m like this I’m constantly being asked if I’m on drugs and I reply, no, I just wish they would stop arresting my crack dealer, I’m being forced to share a stash with Robert Downey Jr. and that was when I knew that not only was I at the bottom of the barrel but that some kind of piranha fish was eating my shoe and calling it macaroni, the first thing I did was to get ice cream and fall asleep only to wake and find that the piranha had been replaced by Desservo when I
woke up, now why he was eating my shoe is still a mystery, he alleges that I need to lay off the crack and that he was never there that night, if that’s true then I ask why were my shoes unlaced??? Think about it, the answers will come.