Comatose Harder

Almost Comatose
by Gandhi Mangler

April 29, 2009


I've been kind enough to provide updates to a series of articles I wrote seven years ago.


Texas Broke My Brain: I was getting kicked out of college, but the climate was nice.

Though I couldn't explain why college is a waste of time and money, I can now. A college degree itself means nothing, as proven by the people responsible for the collapse of the world economy. For three years, I was paying to read and write and not learn anything.

Eight years later, I still owe $2800 to Sallie Mae.



Roy's A Dick: My uncle came to visit.

Granny Alzheimer's died a year later, which prompted another visit from Roy. Rather than talk to him, I attended the early wake.



My Ass Is Pretty and Other Observations: I took a road trip with the parents.

Last week I was thinking Elvis was more of a tool than I thought, but this article states I thought he was 98% tool.

I don't want success as I defined it back then.

Now that my dad has retired, my parents are acting like grandparents anyway. Unfortunately, I'm like thirty years old or something.



Into the Abyss: I aol-chatted with persons of the opposite sex.

I haven't sent an instant message in at least seven years.



Detrimental: I went to Lakemont Park, boaster of one roller coaster.

I went back a few years later. I played volleyball and had fun in the sun.



Unconscientious Objector: I went to a college football game with my father, brother, and nephew.

I haven't gone to another one. They, however, have spent a good chunk of their wages on season tickets, yea verily unto this year.



Mayor for a Day: I worked at a polling place on election day.

That polling place doesn't exist anymore, but I've worked every election since. By the end of each 13-hour day, I become a bastard. Electronic voting machines are a pain in the ass.



Get the Fuck Out: Tension rose six months after moving in with my parents.

Granny Alzheimer did move in to the house for seven months at the end of her run, the final month was spent at an infirmary.

I moved out 18 months after that, having been employed long enough to have enough money to leave.



Drifting Backwards While In Neutral: After a short WOV hiatus, I returned with updates.

I don't remember liking "Andy Richter Controls the Universe" enough to praise it publicly, but there it is. I haven't had cable in the last six years.



War on Saddam: I don't remember if I just re-posted an essay I wrote in 1998 or wrote a new article repudiating the stupidity of the right-wing war on Saddam Hussein. Either way, the thing is lost.

Soon everybody knew the scam: the right-wing started a war, with the help of ratings-hungry media. Saddam was hanged after a rush to judgment. Iraq has fallen apart without a strong leader, just as Gary Brecher predicted. But at least American troops are dying for no reason. SURGE!



On the Theory of God: I disproved God.

I've gone to church about twice in the last six years, which is peculiar because the church next door is my landlord. The first time was to hide easter eggs. The second was to give it one last shot. I could not disguise my condescending glee.



When skimming these articles, I found surprisngly few cringeworthy lines. I succeeded in honestly depicting failure.