Bill Cosby's House Party

Disclaimer: The World of Vocephus does not advocate killing, or any fucking cuss words.

by Vomit God


Intro: My 15 Minutes of Fame
In the fall of 1997, I wrote The Bill Cosby Rap, and was delighted that I made all the stoners at my school laugh and all the girls blush. I decided to expand on the idea and began to work on a series of 25 plays, the fist, er first of which is reprinted here for your enjoyment:



(Scene: The Cosby living room at two AM. Bill is anxiously pacing, waiting for Theo.)

Bill: Where is that boy? When he gets home I'm gonna whack him so hard his children'll feel it!

(Theo stumbles in through the door.)

Bill: There's yo' ass! Now get to yo' room an' I'll deal with you later! A-Ho-Ho-Ho!

Theo: (Drunkenly) (hic) Sure (hic) thing (hic) Dad.

Bill: What the fuck! Is yo' ass drunk? Ah told you, save the liquor fo' "Kindergarten Night"!

(Bill struggles with Theo and produces a bottle of vodka)

Bill: Ah-ha! You are drunk! Now get to yo' room! Ah need you nice and feisty in the morning! A-Ho-Ho-Ho!

(Theo stumbles out. Bill picks up a copy of Toddler Orgy and sits in his favorite chair.)

Bill: Ah, nothin' like the daily news!

(Suddenly, the vodka begins to talk to Bill in a Russian accent.)

Vodka: Bill, drink me.

(Bill looks up, startled)

Bill: What in the blue-cocked blazes!?

Vodka: Don't fight me, comrade.

Bill: It's happenin' again!

Vodka: Bill, remember when no one liked you? Remember when everyone laughed at you? That was before you met me.

(Bill jumps out of his chair and rushes at the vodka)

Bill: AH CAN'T STOP IT!!!!

(Bill downs the vodka while it laughs)


(Scene 2: Bill's living room, morning. Bill is laying on the floor drunk. Theo comes down.)


Theo: Dad! What's going on?

Bill: (hic) Boy, I'm pretty fucked up! (hic) Just like the night after we celebrated yo' First Communion!(hic) I shore did baptize you in the "waters of new life"! A-Ho-Ho-Ho!

Theo:So what do you have to say for yourself?

Bill: Call all yo' friends, boy. We's a gonna have a party. I may not be young, but I'm full of cum! A-Ho-Ho-Ho!


(Scene 3, Bill's living room. People are partying.)


Theo: I think this party's getting way out of hand.

(Suddenly, the doorbell rings, Theo answers it. It is Ms. Crabbush, the neighbor.)

Theo: Hey, Ms. Crabbush!

Ms. Crabbush: Your damn music's too loud! Where's your no-good father? I'd like to have a word with him!

Theo: Uh, I'll get him.

(Theo goes to the kitchen where Bill is playing strip poker with three women. He is winning.)

Bill: Hey, girls, how 'bout a little game of "pin the donkey in the tail" after this? A-Ho-Ho-Ho!

Theo: Dad, Ms. Crabbush is at the door and she's pissed!

Bill: What? No pruney ho is gonna wreck mah joint!

(Bill goes to the closet and gets out a cutlass. He goes to the front door and opens it.)

Ms. Crabbush: Listen, you bastard...

Bill: Shut up, bitch!

(Bill cuts off Ms. Crabbush's arm with the cutlass, she screams.)

Bill: Ah thought Ah told ya ta shut yo' mouth, ho!

(Bill cuts off Ms. Crabbush's head and closes the door.)

Bill: Now then, IS EVERYBODY HAVIN' A GOOD TIME?

(Everyone yells. The DJ begins playing the beat for the Bill Cosby rap. A breakdancer begins to get down. Bill takes the mic.)

Bill:Yo my name is Bill Cosby, Yo what up?
As you can see, I'm pretty fucked up!
I've been drinking vodka and orange juice,
Then I've been getting virgins loose!
I do the "sideways mambo" with all the bitches in town,
On ol' Bill Cosby, they'll always go down!

Oh it shore feels good!

All: Oh it shore feels good!

(Bill pukes and passes out)

Guy one: He's passed out!

Guy two: RIOT!!!

(The partiers trash Bill's house.)


(Scene 4: The Aftermath of Bill's party. Theo is picking things off the floor when Bill comes to.)


Bill: What the, mah crotch itches!

(Bill pulls down his pants to discover crabs.)

Bill: Ah, mo' fo' the collection!

(Bill opens a drawer and takes out an ant farm filled with crabs. Bill scoops the crabs into the farm. Soon he runs to the bathroom.)

Bill: I'm pissin' blood! Oh mersey me!

(Barret comes in)

Barret: That's what you get for being stupid!

Bill: Shut up, mofo!

(Bill stabs Barret with the cutlass.)

Barret: Ow! Jerk!

(Barret dies)

Theo: Well, Dad, did you learn anything?

Bill:Nah.

(Bill and Theo embrace. The sun shines down on a new day.)


THE END


PS- I won several Tony awards for this.