KAISER #2: Things I Wish I Could Boast

1-Everything I ever needed to know I learned from Stalin.

2-My last three cults ended badly, hopefully the next will work out.

3-I hate it when I get confused for someone's messiah.

4-After the first 30 keys to a city, it just gets old.

5-The same goes for Medals of Valour.

6-Oh Jesus, when will he ever learn, guess it's back to up to heaven for the both of us.

7-Me and the U.N. have this arrangment: "No witnesses"

8-So there I was driving along, when all of the sudden I see all these mushroom clouds ...

9-I'm collecting rulers' heads, I have to wait till Mao and Castro perish and then I'll have "Communism Forever" completed. Let's not get into how hard it was just to get Lenin.

10-Oh crap, ye olde bank account has slipped to 10 figures again.

11-[News cast] It's been 10 days since Kaiser shot Carrot Top, and the party has yet to die, pun clearly intended.

12-And they said getting to 2% body fat in just 12 hours was impossible.

13-Don't you hate it when you have the President calling you round the clock for military advice.

14-Somehow finding the moxy to release monkey's laced with anthrax into the city water supply.

15-I AM KAISER AND ALL SHALL BOW BEFORE ME!! (Wait, that I CAN boast ;)

16-Hey, remember that time you, me and Raul were in that place and that one guy did that thing and those
people died, magic.

17-One day my book on surviving nuclear holocausts will be needed, and you'll all want copies!

18-My signed Sam & Max poster will be worth millions once the artist actually gets famous!

19-And then there was that time I hit that guy and exploded, and everyone was laughing ... good times.

20-All I need is some more handy U237 and the time machine will be ready for more Bible re-writes.

21-Did finally find some U237, went back in time and heckled Moses quite a bit, got written in as a minion of Mr. Satan.

22-I know who is responsible for Teletubbys, the Power Rangers, Poke'mon, Sailor Moon and Barney ... and that man will die a thousand horrid deaths, I am willing to bet he's responsible for taking the TMNT off the air too.

23-The final climatic battle between Good and Evil already happened somewhere in New Mexcio (to avoid the police), and I can say this, I didn't know God fought dirty ;)

24-There was a barrel in my soul.

25-It turns out that copious amounts of budget brand Diet Soda makes one immortal.

26-So then I had this dream that had lots of fire, a few good dishes of fine pasta, and Jesus.

27-So when I get to heaven I wonder when the fast cars with whores and booze will arrive?

28-I'm willing to wager that when I die my spirit will hijack a aircraft carrier and raid the seven seas for all eternity.

29-And on that boat i'll have the fast cars with whores weilding booze.

-AND NOW FOR THE ONE THAT IS BY FAR THE BEST-

30-I know Stalin personally, and he did it for the bitches.

-That's it for now kids, hope you enjoyed as much as I did-

-KAISER!