Deoxy #2: Bars Are Only Cool If Karaoke Is Involved

DEOXY XYLOFLUX

Let me put this straight: I hate bars. I hate clubs. Every one I've been to reminds me of a baboon mating ritual, where the presence of alcohol makes it easier for Johnny Computer programmer to pick up a date by acting stupid. In addition to all the walking herpes colonies, there are those who cry to others because of some great loss in their life. (Usually, they have lost either a hole or a stick to get off on.)
Clubs are usually the worst, because the stupid DJ refuses to play anything cool off of the request list and plays some budget Depeche rip off from Europe. (Perhaps if I slipped him some meth, he would be more willing?)
Most people are boring to me when they are drunk, anyway. The worst ones are the self-pitying bastards who reminisce about old girlfriends and other people who made an impact on their lives by sucking them off at the drop of a hat. Tears are spilled as well. So much for water conservation, assholes! I find that most try to see how stupid they are when they have had a few. Drinking beer from an ashtray gives them an excuse to act like sluts, morons, or both. The only joy out of it for me is watching fountains of semi-clear vomit gush out of their annoying little mouths while they pass out. This is followed by a hangover in the morning and many false promises of never doing it again.
However, there is one upside to bars: the joy of karaoke. Look, it takes more balls than anything to get up in front of a pack of whistling drunks than anything else. You are tied to that fucking microphone. It's you against the audience, trying to control their emotions (and maybe their minds) with a selection of oldies and classic rock as your weapons. By choosing a song like "Bohemian Rhapsody" which almost everyone knows, thank you Wayne's World, you can either piss them off by draging your male friend up to the front and get on your knees at every mellow part and briskly act like a tart every other time, or you can impress them with your excellent singing voice. You are putting yourself on display in front of violent drunks, and that takes more guts than showboating your riceburner for your girlfriend.
The problem with most bars and clubs is that they are so archetypical. I want unexpected things to happen. No amount of alcohol can fuck you up as much as what your imagination has to offer. So, if you enjoy barhopping to pick up a mate and act stupid, I strongly encourage you to get off of your computer, get into your car, and find a nice, tall cliff to drive off of. You are the worst kind of person, just as bad as Hitler. You are the "fun fascist" dictating to me what I can do.

By the way guys, can the petty fights on the message board. I know we are all African tribal lords trying to get food for our tribes, but it's really getting old.

The beginning.