Raphael #26: Zolar the Space Pirate

So I return again with my big cheeseburger in hand which is worth 2 in the bush, which means all you assholes in the bush just got a screw job from a bush man with kendo stick named Umbabwe. Now that that is out of the way we are free to wallow in our own crapulence as I tell the heralded story of Zolar the Space Pirate, haha beat you to it Vomit God. There are many tales of Zolar and his ship “The Ebola Parade” but I have chosen this one because…..well because it’s the only one I can remember right now but that’s not my fault I was forced to eat a chocolate bar made from chili peppers and kryptonite. I’m your narrator Raphael, and before I tell this story you must first meet the crew and first officer hmmmm, oh wait I’ll make him Umbabwe the bush man with the kendo stick. That’s all you need to know. This first scene will take place during a poker game which has been interrupted.

ZOLAR. So who’s staying in?
(A pirate walks in the door)
PIRATE. Excuse me sir but we have some bad news, a ship that is much bigger than us has appeared and looks as though they are going to board us.
ZOLAR. How can this be, this is Bullshit were the only assholes robbing people today, Umbabwe beat this asshole!
PIRATE. But….. (Umbabwe starts beating him savagely with the kendo stick)
UMBABWE. Oooommm baka baka lobba uiiiikkk. Bakaaaaa!!!!!
ZOLAR. Good Umbabwe, now lets go look at this other ship.
PIRATE. Help me.
ZOLAR. Whine, whine whine, what a bitch, hey Umbabawe go put him in a torpedo tube.
UMBABWE. Oooommm baka baka lobba uiiikkk. Bakaaaaa!!!
ZOLAR. Now where is my brainy yet judgmental computer officer Eland.
ELAND. Here sir.
ZOLAR. How far away is the enemy ship?
ELAND. Do you mind I’m trying to level up on Everquest so I can slay the dragon of Assagor and attain the title of Duke of Nerdasa so I can impress this level 32 elven chick that has 23 more solobyte ram then me.
ZOLAR. Listen you punkass evergeek, just tell me how long till were about to die.
ELAND. It should be obvious to anyone that can access 938 Sethernet green menu 42 connection that they are 47 milliclics under the median of lightatomic speed. But your the captain so you probably already knew something that simple. (Sighs unapprovingly) People who aren’t like me are so stupid.
ZOLAR. Jesus you’re an ass, hey Umbabwe shoot this asshole out a torpedo tube!
UMBABWE. Oooommm baka baka lobba uiiikkk. Bakaaaaa!!!

RAPHAEL: Well that’s all the time I have for this story now but maybe if I feel like there will be more just like it. And to the real Eland, your a good guy but be more accepting.