Raphael #6: The Tarantula and The Vacuum

by Raphael the Contradiction

Raphael: I'm a little tea cup short and---how does the rest of this song go? Oh, never mind, I think I have more important stuff to do...honestly, I do! Okay, so I really don't, what's so bad about that? I don't have a concept for a story yet but give me about one minute. Okay, I got it...this story is called...ummmmm...The Vacuum and the....ahh...how about the Tarantula...yeah, that sounds good. *ahem* So one day there was this tarantula, let's call him Chuck, and he was walking by minding his own business--
Chuck: What the hell are you staring at? Yeah, you. You'd better stop staring...hey, stop staring! What are you, a crazy?
Raphael: So anyways, he was walking by when he saw a vacuum (where the hell is this story going? Don't worry, I don't know either. Let's find out.) He then said:
Chuck: Hey, it's a vacuum.
Raphael: Well, no shit.
Chuck: Hey, are you insulting me? Don't make me take you out back.
Raphael: I'm just the narrator, leave me alone.
Chuck: Oh, so first your friend there stares at me, then you insult me, and you expect me to leave you alone, is that it?
Raphael: Well, yeah.
Chuck: That's the final straw, it's go time. Come on, let's take it outside, I'm gonna beat you like I was Ike Turner!
Raphael: This is stupid. Come on, just let me finish the story.
Chuck: Well, what's my motivation?
Raphael: To be a bug, I guess.
Chuck: 'To be a bug' you guess. Oh, man. That directing Oscar is coming your way. If they shaft you for Schindler's List I'm gonna riot.
Raphael: Lay off, I'm a writer not a director.
Chuck: If your the writer, tell me; is the story any good yet?
Raphael: I don't know, I haven't written it yet.
Chuck: You haven't even written it yet? How the hell did I get stuck with this loser? Somebody get my agent on the phone.
Raphael: How the hell do you have an agent? You're a tarantula...and how did you get that cell phone?
Chuck: What are you, some kind of racist? Are you saying that tarantula's are too poor to own a cell phone, is that it Mr. Pol Pot?
Raphael: Who the hell are you even calling?
Chuck: Yeah, is Vinnie there? Yeah, I'll hold.
Raphael: This is beyond stupid. Let's just finish the story.
Chuck: Vinnie, it's me. How the hell could you set me up here--what do you mean there's people staring at me funny?
Raphael: Why the hell did you have to stare at him?
Chuck: And the writer is a racist who hasn't finished the story!
Raphael: I am not a racist!
Chuck: Why don't you tell it to David Duke, don't you bowl with him on Tuesdays?
Raphael: But I'm not!
Chuck: Well, how many tarantulas do you know?
Raphael: None.
Chuck: And why not?
Raphael: Because they're deadly.
Chuck: Oh, so now we're deadly, are we? It's not like the human race never killed anyone.
Raphael: I don't mean it like that.
Chuck: You humans are so obsessed with all our so-called killing that you forget that we are masters at pottery.
Raphael: What the hell does that have to do with anything?
Chuck: Absolutely nothing, unless you want to buy some pottery.
Raphael: If I wanted pottery, I would go to a store or something like that. I don't know where the hell one would find pottery.
Chuck: Oh, so now our pottery isn't good enough for you! I'm outta here. No director, no motivation, no budget...I can't work under these conditions! You're stunting my creativity.
Raphael: What creativity? Look at the damn vacuum and read the cue cards!
Chuck: I've never been so insulted...I'll be in my trailer.
Raphael: You don't even have a trailer.
Chuck: No trailer! My agent is soo fired, and let me tell you this. The World Of Vocephus will never have the honor of working with me again.
Raphael: Oh, come on man, wait---damn. Vocephus is gonna be pissed.

Fin