Raphael #5: Slacker Vs. God

by Raphael the Contradiction
An excerpt from my play "Does Any Of This Crap Have A Point?"

JAMES: I don't get it, I just don't get it. There I was, tireder than hell, and I finally lay down to rest and I can't get any sleep. It's got to be me...there's no other explanation for it, that insomnia stuff. There is no other way to rationalize this. Maybe I'm hungry, maybe I just need some food. (He walks over and opens the fridge) We don't have one damn thing in this house...of course, that's not completely true. I did yank that pie from Rusty's place, but sugar isn't appealing to me right now.
VOICE: Why not? (James dives down on the floor immediately. He begins to crawl around on the floor trying to be discreet.)
JAMES: Who said that? Come out with your hands up! Umm, umm...we have you surrounded and stuff!
VOICE: Shut up.
JAMES: Just give yourself up. Escape is impossible!
VOICE: Talking to you is such a waste of time. You're such a moron. (James gets up and starts looking around)
JAMES: Are you talking to me? You must be talking to me because there's no one else here.
VOICE: With every sentance you sound stupider.
JAMES: When I find you I'm going to lay a beat down like you've never seen before, so come out and fight like a man.
VOICE: You really wanna know where I am?
JAMES: I do, but you don't..
VOICE: Hey dumb ass, look in the fridge.
JAMES: I don't see anything.
VOICE: Of course you don't, you're an idiot.
JAMES: What's that supposed to mean?
VOICE: You're hopeless. Okay, see if you can't comprehend this. I am God speaking to you from the pie.
JAMES: That has got to be the biggest crock I've ever heard. I know I'm not that bright, but come on, give me some credit. So let me see if I can get this straight...I sit down to patiently lay a beat down on this pie while the robber pops out of the shadows, nails me over the head with some blunt object and takes all my worldly goods.
VOICE: What worldy goods? You have a nasty couch, a fridge that barely works, a 20 year old television, some magazines, and some bread.
JAMES: I have bread?
VOICE: Are you afraid that I'm going to steal your dollar's worth of recyclable cans?
JAMES: So you just admitted you're going to steal something--so you can't be God or a pie.
VOICE: Why can't I be God?
JAMES: You're a jerk, that's why.
VOICE: That's not true, I was nice to you a lot of times.
JAMES: Name one.
VOICE: There was that time a couple of minutes ago.
JAMES: Face it, you're not God.
VOICE: What can I do to prove it to you?
JAMES: You can get me a free pizza this very second.
VOICE: You can ask the creator of the universe for anything, and you want a pizza...
JAMES: Stop your squaking and make with the food.
VOICE: I've never been so insulted. The least you could do is grovel a little bit.
JAMES: Then why in the hell are you in my pie?
VOICE: That's a bit harder to explain...
JAMES: I want money. Give me some money.
VOICE: I can't just give you money. You have to earn it.
JAMES: Just let me get this straight...you're God, and in my pie, right?
VOICE: Yes.
JAMES: Then you created the entire world, right?
VOICE: Yeah, but that seventh day was a bitch.
JAMES: I thought that was the day you rested?
VOICE: I took a nap, and all of a sudden they said I rested the whole day.
JAMES: So what else did you do that day?
VOICE: Played ping pong.
JAMES: Who'd you play?
VOICE: Satan. We were playing for the fate of the dinosaurs. I've got another game scheduled with him on Saturday, actually.
JAMES: Oh, crap.
VOICE: Don't worry, I've got it covered. It's air hockey this time.
JAMES: So you did all that, but you can't get me some food.
VOICE: Of course I can, but I'm not going to.
JAMES: Why not?
VOICE: Because you don't deserve it. Do something good and I'll get you a pizza.
JAMES: Like what?
VOICE: Am I supposed to tell you everything?
JAMES: Yeah.
VOICE: Okay, if that's the way you want it, since you volunteered...
JAMES: I didn't volunteer!
VOICE: (booming) YES YOU DID!!!
JAMES: What I meant to say was, what do you want me to do?
VOICE: Dig a ten foot hole, then wait for more instructions.
JAMES: Now what happens?
VOICE: Now you wake up. (Lights go out for 5 seconds. They come back up to see James laying on the couch mumbing, then waking up.)
JAMES: A dream...that's all it was, just a dream. I wonder if I should still eat that pie? (Lights out, scene ends)