Hot Alicia #6: Reasons I Would Not Date Osama Bin Laden

For Osama O Rama week I wanted to write a scathing political piece on said terrorist's evils, but that would be too predictable and not ME. So instead I bring you:

Reasons I Would Not Date Osama Bin Laden
(besides the fact that I'm already taken)

We all know that he is a killer and a terrorist and all that. That aside, here are 10 reasons I would not date the man behind 9/11.

#1. He has an ex wife. Now I didn't catch the Diane Sawyer interview, but any ex-wife who has things to say about their ex-husband on television could not have been too happy. Besides, Ex-wife= Excess baggage.

#2. That gross pubic hair beard. Now come on, really. A normal beard is bad enough. Even Jesus' beard could cause a rash, but how can you kiss a man who could sandblast off half your face? Then again, maybe he had to grow that thing to cover up some weird facial deformity. Either way, it's a no - win situation.

#3. From what I hear, they sleep with Camels in that part of the world. Remember ladies, when you sleep with him, you are sleeping with everyone he's slept with, and everyone they've slept with, and everyone they've slept with.....

#4. The Turban. If you think hat hair is bad, think about this one. A gym sock wrapped around your head all day.... sweat, sun.... gross. When I kiss a guy and run my fingers through his hair, I don't want them to get stuck.

#5. Long Distance relationships don't work. With him in Afghanistan and me in San Diego, I'd never get to see him, anyway. He can't very well come here what with the bounty on his head, and I'm not going to Afghanistan what with the bombing and stuff. Besides, I'd have to live in a cave, apparently, and it would be impossible to get a tan wearing those covered from head to toe women's wear.

#6. He's older than my dad.

#7. I would be expected to know my place. And I don't mean the kitchen. I mean under robes in a cave. Dirt floors are SO not me. Sweeping would be a bitch. I want wall to wall carpeting or hardwood floors. Marble would do, too. I don't think there are any marble floored caves.

#8. Look at him. He's fugly.

#9. I've seen video of him smoking. Smoking is gross. And bad for you. And bad for everyone near you.

#10. I couldn't swoon over the sound of him saying my name. I don't think I'd understand my name in Muslim. And that accent anyway. Just wouldn't do it for me.


If you don't have any of these things in common with the Bin Laden, email me and I'll tell you why I wouldn't date you, either,
XOXO

Hot Alicia