Hot Alicia #5: Beauty

"Beauty can be as isolating as genius, or deformity. I have always been aware of a relationship between madness and beauty. " - Richard Avedon


I suppose it is about time that I had a rambling piece on this here site. I like to think that my other pieces have been well formed essays, a thing for my English teacher to be proud of. but I don't have the energy to write that sort of thing now, I have the energy to let my mind take me and my fingers on this keyboard wherever it wants to go. I want to talk about... nothing. I want to talk about how stupid it is that when I am thinking about things to say, my fingers can't keep up with the words racing through my head. I hate the backspace and delete buttons, but find I need them sometimes.
The other night, well it was a long while ago actually when Dr Cox Robotika, Desservo and I were up talking, I asked the question if the world was going to end and I had to spend the rest of eternity doing whatever it was when the world ended what would I want to be doing? I wouldn't want to be typing, I know that for sure, I wouldn't want to be online, I wouldn't want to be exercising or eating or having sex. I wouldn't want to be flipping channels, I wouldn't want to be at work, I wouldn't want to be fighting traffic, cooking food, cleaning the toilet, shaving my legs, plucking my eyebrows or gutting fish. I wouldn't want to be in a room with Gilbert Godfried, Kathie lee Gifford, Barbara Walters, any cast member from any Real World or survivor, or an editor/writer of any teen magazine ever created. I don't know what I would want to do. I know only what I don't want to do. Is it wrong to choose your path in life by using the process of elimination? Should you choose what you want to do because it is what you want or because it is the less of however many of your evils? Can you break out of the mold that people have put you in? Explode from inside their concrete box of restraining ideas? Can a person really be the phoenix rising from the ashes of a former self? Can a person change that much? Can I change that much?

Why am I asking? I don't know... It is late and I am up and left with only myself in front of a blank page where I have decided to create something. So what do I create? The great American novel? A piece to make others ooh and ahh? To impress the pants off you? No. That's not what I want. I just want to reveal a little more of myself to you all. Not random Joe Reader. But I guess to me. I want to see how it is that I edit myself for others. What experiments can I use you for to see who I am? Or maybe I just want to use you all as a sounding board to see if maybe I come up with a truth, a meaning of life somewhere inside this sleep heavy head of mine.

So, my question it seems, is why aren't I more worried about what I will become? I know it is a big deal. I know that other people think about it all the time. I know that if I make myself think about it I can be scared about what I am going to do with my life and with how far behind I am with my formal education. I worry about if I will be a lab tech all my life. If I will maybe reach middle management for a chain of retail stores someday.
And then I think well, maybe that isn't my calling in life, to be a career girl. I want to be a mom. I want to have a family of my own. Maybe that is my destiny, the master plan for this little girl. How am I to know? And yet, for how important my future may be, I spend a little amount of time in relation actually dealing with it. I don't think about it except for a few ranting moments on an internet page, and once I wake up tomorrow morning I probably will not think about it again.

And if you have read this far, I am sorry, and please do the same about not thinking about it again.

Remind me how to write something interesting. MrsDufay@msn.com


XOXO
Hot Alicia