Desservo #16: I HAVE A BEARD

Perhaps you, too, can also have one, boys and girls.

Yep, I have a beard. Calm down, everyone. It all started when I came out with my first album, which many of you will remember as "A Taste of Desservo." The album was loaded with hits, with favorites such as the hard rocker "Staple Your Ass Shut," and the smooth romantic ballad, "You Know It's Love When She Farts." I was riding high on fame and fortune.

There was one problem, however. The record company just wanted more. They wanted every record to be like a "greatest hits" album. So, under studio pressure, I came out with more "hits." The album that this period yielded was "Punch Me in the Back," which, again, was laden with hits. You may remember a few, such as the title track, the reflective "Break My Leg Off" and the hard-charging "Lou Ferrigno Eats a Dick."

And, again, I sold millions, and made millions more. But it was tearing me apart. I wanted to use my music as an expression of who I was. The depression grew, and began affecting other areas of my life. Late at night I would find myself driving around Hollywood Boulevard throwing bags of hammers at old ladies - which is fine and well, but I live in San Diego. I was out of it. Record company executives just kept banging on my door for more hits, the members of the band, who depended on me to write music, were against my every move, and sleeping with my maid. I began to lose myself. My wife told me that she had IBS. I filed for divorce the following day. My life was falling apart, so I withdrew.

And then it happened. I was sitting at my piano, which at the time was in a giant sandbox in my living room, and it dawned on me. I would grow a beard. It was the only way to artistic freedom, and salvation. So that night, I grew a beard. Things began to change immediately. I began to hear wonderful music in my head - oh, the record execs would get their hits - but I was calling the shots.

This era saw the release of the wonderful "Evian Coke,"* which had the major hit "Beat My Face in with a Whiffle-Ball Bat," as well as the summertime favorite, "Alien Child Abduction in the Vons Parking Lot." I should also mention my personal favorite, because I consider it my most personal song, "Old Chinese Men Scare Me." The studio was happy, and so was I.

And thus, I go forward, into the breach, brave as ever, with my BEARD. My ex-wife, who for some reason still cares about me, my bandmates and family, and my friends, all keep saying ludicrous things like "Desservo, you've LOST yourself! Come back to reality!" Or "The way you're living is going to kill you! You've lost your mind and this weight gain isn't funny," And my favorite "We keep trying to help you but you keep refusing to speak with the psychologists." As well as, "Desservo, the beard is controlling you!" They're just jealous. They don't know what love is. I have all the love I'll ever want, and I need look no further than my face.

So stay tuned, children. For I officially have a beard. Some wonderful artwork, music and articles will come out of this period known as: THE BEARDED ERA.

Keepin' the Dream Alive,
Desservo

*The album "Evian Coke" is the subject of a pending lawsuit involving copyright infringement.

*IBS stands for "Irritable Bowel Syndrome," but officially stands for "Indescribable Butt Smells." For help, dial the national IBS hotline, 1-800-IBS-LOVE. You are not alone.