Alright, you rat bastard. Its 5:30 in the morning, I am naked but for one dress-sock and I dont know what day it is. I'm not even sure how I managed to get on-line or why it is that I e-mailed you. All I know is that Jesus placed me here for some divine purpose. Plus, Ducktales doesn't start for at least an hour, so I figured I'd actually write something for your piddling little site.
Since this will be my first contribution, I suppose I should tell the folks at home something about me (although I dont see the point, since Ii hang out with the only people that visit this dismal on-line diversion)
Name: JJ
Handle:Socrates Johnson
Age: 19
Occupation:Deadbeat (and single to boot, ladies!)
Favorite food:Kraft Easy-Mac
Personal Saviour:Jesus
Well, there you have it. a comprehensive recounting of all that I am. I believe that its now the time to write a wacky and inspired little essay about nothing in particular that will leave the audience slightly less than satisfied, and yet unable to stop until they've figured out the point, which was ultimately nothing. So, with that in mind I give you...........My Jesus.
Now, before I begin, I know that your all saying "Psh, Ii dont need some jerk-off, no-account tellin' me 'bout no Jesus! " out and you'd, of course, be right. but if you've got nothing better to do, then I entreat you all to stay and be dazzled! Now, there have been many misconceptions about Jesus. First you'll get a lot of hogwash about Jesus bein' born in Bethlehem, in a manger, or some such. This particular load of bullshit also includes three wise men (one being the token, "sassy black man"), frankincense, gold and something called Myrrh (which I dont think children are allowed to have anyway...). The story drones on and on about healing the sick and walking on water and loaves and fishes and all kinds of other stuff that you can tell is obviously made up, probably for ratings. Well, I'm here to give you the straight poop.
The REAL Jesus wasn't born in Bethlehem, hell, he wasn't even born on earth! No sir! The real Jesus was born a long time ago, in a galaxy far,far away. and Jesus wern't no shabby carpenter neither, uh-uh. He was a devil-may-care Space Pilot with a penchant for DANGER! He roamed the stars from Yavin-4 to Tatooine, taking on jobs as a courier who oft boasted of his ability to avoid most "Imperial entanglements" (although everyone gets boarded, once in a while, even Jesus). Later, he becomes enmeshed in a Galaxy-wide struggle for supremacy between the Judaen REBELS and the roman EMPIRE!!!
Things get a little complicated when Jesus meets up with the saucy star-princess Magdaline, who's dominating demeanor eventually coaxes Jesus to join the Rebel alliance. Jesus soon becomes pivotal in most all the alliances endeavors (along with a sandy haired chap named... Duke, I think) But alas, it couldn't be biscuits and gravy forever as Jesus is sold out by his former best-friend, Judas Calrissian! who delivers our saviour to Pilate the Hutt, frozen in carbonite!!! But all is not lost when...
waitaminute...this is my Han Solo!! Ahhh, crap. If I had a nickel for all the times I got them mixed up, I'd have a shitload of nickels. They are pretty similar though, so you can't blame me (well, if you were a jerk, you could) I wonder which of them is greater, though...hmmm...
::SEGWAY GRACEFULLY INTO MORE MEANINGLESS CRAP::
Welcome Fight-fans, to the greatest bout in the last 2000 years! We're coming to you LIVE from a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, on lovely Jerusalem-4 to bring you the battle in Bethlehem, the rumble in the holy land, the FIGHT OF FIGHTS, FOR THE KING OF KINGS, JESUS H. CHRIST VS. HAN SOLO!!
That's right folks, your favorite saviour against your favorite space-rogue!! Apparently, it all started when Solo knocked some Correlian ale all over Jesus' just-washed robes. When solo refused to confess, the j-man flew into a rage, and threatened everyone with the giant crucifix he'd been toting. Although he calmed down and challenged Solo to a one on one duel after eyeing Solo's wookie companion, who seemed game for a little arm ripping. and thats what brings us all here today for this knockdown, drag-out, slobber-knocker!! LETS GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!!
Jesus VS. Han Solo
Hard bitten savior with a heart of gold edge:tie Hard bitten space pilot with a heart of gold
Walked around the desert in sandals edge:Solo Jetted around space in the Millennium Falcon.
Could heal the sick and fly. edge:Jesus Could avoid most Imperial entanglements (but everyone gets boarded once in awhile)
Sidekicks: The Apostles edge:Solo
(let the Wookie win) Sidekicks: Chewie, Luke
Nemesis: Satan edge:Jesus Nemesis: Jabba the Hutt
Sweetheart: Prostitute Mary Magdalene edge:Solo Sweetheart: Princess Leia
Betrayed by Judas to Empire edge:tie Betrayed by Lando to Empire
Crucified edge:Jesus Frozen in Carbonite
Final Reward: Kingdom of Heaven edge:Solo Final Reward: Leia
Uh-oh! Sorry organized religion! looks like Solo takes the King of kings 4-3 in the biggest battle this side of Jerusalem-4!! if you have something that you'd like to add, a Match-up you'd like to see or a problem with my judgment theres a couple of things you can do, for the first two,you can e-mail me at Socratesjohnson@msn.com for that last one, you can learn to cope.
No comments:
Post a Comment