Vomit God #22: I Liked This Movie Before it was Remade: A Guide to Script Recycling

VOMIT GOD SPEAKS


Let's face it: Hollywood will never have another golden age. It just seems that the same movies are being remade over and over. I feel that my $6.50 are being spent on deja vu, because I've seen that same movie already. I've had to accept the fact that to truly enjoy a new movie in the modern age, I'll have to lower my standards and like a movie only if it is original. Even if the movie is about mountains that come to life and do absurdist plays based on the work of Kafka while the guys from the Ricola commerical look on, I'll have to like it, because I've never seen anything like it before. It seems that the folks in Hollywood have one rule: If it works, begin a production line of the very same movie in disguise. The catagories of drama, action, etc. do not exist anymore. Movies are only made in these catagories:

THE THIN RED PRIVATE RYAN AT THE GATES: Ah, realistic war movies, my favorite. These movies open with a long battle sequence of some famous war, and focuses on one lowly joe, who survives the battle, and spends the rest of the movie contemplating what he has just seen, while his buddies die in tragic deaths set to some shitty John Williams soundtrack. It all ends in another battle, where he comes out unscathed to tell his tale or he dies and he is honored and all that crap. I notice, however, that the hero's handsome face is never disfigured when he dies. I think brains are neccesary in this one.

THE ROMANTIC COMEDY: I couldn't think of any title as clever as the one above, so hey. This one involves a strong, Julia Roberts type character, who has had several bad relationships along the way, so based on that small population of men, she hates the majority of them. HOWEVER, she soon meets a man who is too much for even her to figure out, and sparks fly! Along the way, there is usually "advice from unorthodox friend" scenes, where they talk about his butt, "Wacky pet scenes" where the dog does "funny" stuff, and "Meeting the cranky parents" scene. You can guess how it turns out, and no, it does not involve hydrocloric acid!

TRAILERS: These aren't movies, but they sure do look alike! The ones for suspense films usually have a menacing voice and music in them, that has loud THX crashing and has the monologue: "In a world, where (fill in the blank." The ones I hate however, are the comedy trailers, that usually start out with scenes of a happy family doing family stuff, and they have a dialogue that goes like this: "Brigham Young was a normal man, until..." And then we hear the sound of a record scratching to a halt, and then bombardments of scenes of crotch shots and stuff set to motown music. The funniest part of the comedy, however, is that they show all the "funny" stuff in the trailer, and then when you see the actual film, it's one and a half hours of filler. Ugh.

REMAKES, REMODELED: These movies don't exactly have a stereotypical plot, but who cares when your brain is being overloaded with special effects! My favorite part to these films, is that the stories don't make sense. (Just like the ending to "Planet of The Apes.) Just take a popular, or semi-popular TV show from way back when, load it with hip actors, and computer done shit, and behold! Instant hit. There's no point in going on, because explaing this is like trying to explain the concept of caramel.

If you are smart, you will agree with me, if not, I think there's a suicide generator link on the links page. Use it, you dumbfuck.