Vomit God #19: Human Sexuality: A Case Study

VOMIT GOD SPEAKS


I could have taken Basket Weaving 101, or The History of Smallpox in America, but no, I had to take THE CLASS. Yep, Human Sexuality. The class that is the flypaper for Grossmont Community College's best and brightest. (Note the sarcasm.) Imagine every horny frat boy and every loose bitch in the regional area in one room. I sit by myself, in the back, counting the hours until I can go buy some advil.
Here is exactly why I hate this class (In no particular order.):

1)BIZZARE SEX LABRATORY FILMS. Have you ever seen the video for Nine Inch Nails's "Closer"? That's what these sex study films look like! Made in 1971, these films that the teacher, who I will call "Dr. R" showed a man and a woman, respectively, hooked up to a machine in a dark, scary labratory. These people then proceeded to play with their withered genitalia, while doctors took notes and made measurements! I am pissed off at this because of one main reason: Why wasn't I there? What a useless study. But of course, useless=easy money, like pro basketball. If I could make millions watching people hooked up to machines jack off, I would!

2) TOO MUCH INFORMATION: The people in this class really open up, in more ways than one! I have no interest in hearing chit chat along the lines of: " I hate it when my boyfriend smashes my face into the pillow.", or "I love black men, because their dicks are bigger!" (Well, this is my fault, because look where I am.) I want WEIRD sexual shit to be said, like, "I love it when my girlfriend shoots boiling water into my rectum with a turkey baster and forces me to watch films of Khitimer Rouge massacres while singing "The Muffin Man."" Goddamn, it, imagination needs to be used, in all aspects of life. The day they have S and M spell check is the day I'll die happy.

3)BIBLE MOFOS: Bible Thumpers, do your thumping elsewhere! Topics like gay marriage and sodomy cause quite a stir in the kingdom of heaven! I hate these people, because they totally ignore all the twisted shit that happens in the Bible! My God, there are stories of kings that murder their fathers, and then marry their mothers. Maybe that's why there's a lot of incest and choir boy molestations in the bible belt!

4)LIMITED FETISH DISCUSSION. You know, people who have fetishes are more creative that boring soft core sex, people. I want talk of being dragged through glass by a big burly man wearing a Nixon mask! I want talk of being wrapped up in video tape and having spoonfuls of shredded swordfish and orange pulp being shoved up people's asses with teaspoons! I want talk of copulation with animals. Not that I would do any of that, of course. :) I just think sick, crazy people are funny, because they don't give a shit what anyone thinks of them. For example, Caligula. Anyone who makes his horse General of Rome and has grand orgies while killing people left and right is on my list of fun!

Anyway, in a perfect world, these wrongs would be righted. Anyway, I must go now.

Is there any subject you would like me to tackle? The humor in abortion? Any particular presidential race? What I think of your 6th grade science teacher? Send all shit to beatitude6@hotmail.com. Honestly, now.