Socrates #2: A Chat With Raphael

Hey-ho, filth vendor! Good news! I have another piece of web-fodder for your meatgrinder of a site! I had originally planned to send you a thought-provoking piece of witty and biting political satire...then I found an old transcript of drug-induced rambling from Raphael, so I chose to send that instead, mainly so I would'nt have to bother myself with writing. I hope that you enjoy it! (the parts of it you can actually understand.)



the qonn: If oxzzie ate the haed of a bat I wonder if we could get hime to bite the ghead off a dinosaur, that would be cool

the qonn: Do you ever wonder if ther are gremlins in your tires with machetese waiting toi pop your tire, well think about it, and get'em theyare goingt to pop my tire sand steal my biurrito lirttle bastards

the qonn: You aronud

WLDNSAVAGE: im here.

WLDNSAVAGE: im just baffled.

WLDNSAVAGE: please. dont let that stop you.

the qonn: If dogs were god then wouldn't they kill us, no beacused we are you fool


the qonn: If I stamped my forehead and mailed myself to canada could i steall all theree bacon and themn I could feed some to the worm frommm hell, he a nice guy ewhn you get to know him

the qonn: They think I don;'t know ut If i don't knoew then how come in the future I will eat another brownie and the earth will turn on it's side forcindgd everyone to walk sideways and buy new shoes

the qonn: I wonder if the gremlins are in it wirth the s under ppantes gnomes, excpethj there is no 3rd step because they are sall drunnk so they bneed 12 steps, hahahaaha

WLDNSAVAGE: this is very informative. i thank you for these revelations.

the qonn: Ief a vampuire can turn into a bat then how come he doesn't trun into a jumbo jet but you never thought of that, vampoires are stupid

the qonn: If it was croucing tiger then why was the dragon hiding was the tiger going to pounce on him or did the monkey fall asleep

the qonn: If the monkey fell asllepp and got fired then who kill professor plum in the libraryt with rthe salami

WLDNSAVAGE: i would wager that the monkey was involved in some fell plot to usurp the throne from both the tiger AND the dragon.

WLDNSAVAGE: and the good professor.

the qonn: Did you ever wonder if zombies could eat through meatl to get to a braindn , and what oif the brain had mad cow diseaswe would the zombie have mad zombie disease?

WLDNSAVAGE: yes.

the qonn: And if so would we be ablre t kill them with nuclear weapons, I wonder what a zombie would smell like if it was nuked, we should foind a zombie and stick him in a microwave

WLDNSAVAGE: its not nearly as entertaining as it sounds...

WLDNSAVAGE: the zombie gives you those big puppy dog eyes, and your like, "awwww, poor thing :" the qonn: Iof coures we would need a midget zombie or a chainsaw with nuclaer capeabilites

the qonn: If there are peoplr living in the trees why wouldn't we chop down the trees and laufgh why we use it for fire wood , and are ther zombie trees that zombies live in are they lookinh for a home well they can take there tree and eats it for dinner

the qonn: Can you eat a tree for food I mean what if you pu mustard on it with kethsup

WLDNSAVAGE: yes. i think we've officially run headlong into what HAS to be a drug or alcohal related rant.

the qonn: kethsup? what the hell is that it'ws probably the marinade you use from the blood of umpa loompas I haerd it make stuff taste like chivcnen

the qonn: the key board isn't cooperesating tonight

WLDNSAVAGE: yes. definately drug or alcohal related.

the qonn: I need another brownie i'm hungry, now if yuou ate thjen got the muncjies would you then go to your frideg and get a root beer

WLDNSAVAGE: brownies, eh?

WLDNSAVAGE: i think ive deciphered the root of all this.

the qonn: Does a root beer get you drunk , no, why beacaues it's mafde from roots you fool look this stuff up

the qonn: If the number 8 sideways means eternity, tehn the numvber 4 sideways meqn get your punk ass in line, hahahaah

WLDNSAVAGE: did you supervise the preperation of said brownies?

the qonn: they are cool, I like the persomn who made them

WLDNSAVAGE: i fear you may have been slipped a psycotropic of some variety....

the qonn: if astrology is real then how come my sign isn't monthe of the pimp, hahahaah

WLDNSAVAGE: most likely some form of cannibus.

WLDNSAVAGE: chronic, would be my guess....

the qonn: I'm going to cahnge my nam eot big mack og daddy brothamansuperflypimp master

the qonn: that will be my fisrt name

WLDNSAVAGE: yes. definately chronic.

the qonn: fisrt? is that like fist of the northstar, can I be the testacle of the north star, hahahaha

WLDNSAVAGE: you poor, freaked out, druggie bastard...

the qonn: Does that mean I can make people heads explode with my cock I could be the first real life hentai action star

the qonn: My name could be explodacock, hahahahaha

WLDNSAVAGE: no, actually, that is my particular forte'. ive pioneered the field.

the qonn: hahahaaha, I can't stop laugbhing it's so great my callinhg hahahaha, I can't stop laughing

WLDNSAVAGE: your intoxication is distorting your perception of the truth, as it were.

the qonn: I could use the cock rocket then fill out my job allication for the presidency while i run on the platform of sned all the homelss to the moon and then I will make my opponenets head explode with my cock, hahahaah

WLDNSAVAGE: ah. i see. the old "get into office by virtue of my supernatural dick" gambit.

WLDNSAVAGE: ballsy.

the qonn: f I was this brownie tehn how did I get to this point? do I remeber being flour or eggs and if soo do I rememnber that, do I still remember stuff after Rusty the testacle of the north star eats me

the qonn: And what may I ask is the point of survivor without any mutant s at least they could have put a couple ninja tutrles on there I would watch

WLDNSAVAGE: i refuse to explain things to an obviously inebriated individual such as your self.

the qonn: I miss the ninja turtles they should do a reunion tour with aerosmith it only make sense, I mean afetre Raphael knockedup Liv Tylere, hahahaha waht a flukke

the qonn: My name ids Raphael too, so does that mean that I knocjked her up as well

WLDNSAVAGE: if i may be so bold, i submit to you that the teenage mutant ninja turtle phenomenon was no fluke. rather, we all heartily enjoyed their wacky irreverence and deadly serious bouts with evil-doers as illustrious as krang or even the shredder.

WLDNSAVAGE: ill brook no slander of these courageous turtles.

WLDNSAVAGE: they sacrificed the bulk of thir teenage years to keep us all safe from the machinations of the shadowy foot clan.

the qonn: I'm getting a lkitlle sleepy the qonn : There is a yellow pencil on my desk and yet I wonders if he was a partisan in the assasination of JFK was this pencil involved probaly the pen too, the turtle will stop them all, bastards

the qonn: What the hell does partisan mean sra they having a prty for daniel son the kid from karate kid and Mr/Miyagi was cool, he could be drunken master in the fight against the foot clan of course he would wuo;ld have to bump off splinter how hared couoold that bee

WLDNSAVAGE : feh. WLDNSAVAGE: you fail to take me seriously while i must toil to even begin to sort through this monkey-mash you call a conversation.

the qonn : i"ve got a black chair does that mean I'm psychic, no it doesn't it's just achair it doen mean that one dau I'm goign to be a millionaoure then I'm going to pay eminem to dacne around like a monkey while I have Angelina Jolie on a leassh like that chick in starwars, Jabba was cool, I wonder if he would give me a job

WLDNSAVAGE: unless you are trained to speak huttese and learn the formalities of his court, i should guess you'd be out of luck.

WLDNSAVAGE: jabba is a picky sort.

the qonn : I could sabotage pod races then I could kill Jedis before ans hang out with Boba fett in the cantina and we could kill all men who oppose us

the qonn: I wonder If I killed him and took his eye, Jabba, could I sell it on e-bay, will e-bay still exist and by that trime will they be selloing human body parts

WLDNSAVAGE: first of all, i believe that boba fett works alone. second, unless you are trained as a master of the darkside it is my opinion that any jedi worth his salt would deliver unto you, a lightsabre to your nether-regions.

the qonn: I wnoder if you could find an assasin on ebay and would he be any good, they would be pretty funny but I woold more ;like to kill ghoistst than people

the qonn: Can you klll a ghost or shoulld you let it wander like a goose looking for food and if so why the hell would there be a goodse in my houe, fucking geese

WLDNSAVAGE: yeah. i had a wicked goose problem too.

the qonn: Don't you have some schoo, tomorrow, is your taecher one you would like bumpedoff, I could check ebay for you, hahahaha

WLDNSAVAGE: yes. i, unlike some, have responsibilities and duties.

WLDNSAVAGE: however. i would be grateful if you could bump off mrs. precoda.

the qonn: If your eyelids feel heavy do they need to lose weight and if so hoe the hell would you eyelids lose weight worthless eyelids, I have college tomorrow

WLDNSAVAGE: in that case, i suggest we both log the fuck off.

WLDNSAVAGE: my mind is burnt out on this conversation anyways.

the qonn: Good idea keep in touchc man I nevedrs talk to you giuys anymore

WLDNSAVAGE: stay sober, g'night.


Raphael has since been admitted and summarily ejected from no less than 18 rehabilitation clinics. When questioned about the particulars of his dismissal, one patient replied: "All he did was hang around and ask all the other recovering addicts if they knew where he could score some pot. And he ate all our donuts, too." Sounds like he's on the road to recovery! Hang in there, pal! Our prayers are with you.