KAISER #9: Read This and Lose 20 IQ Points!

[10-28-01]

For my latest bit of stupidity I shall give you all a bit of background information to help you get a good idea of what the hell I’m talking about. Growing up mommy and daddy weren’t rich and coincidentally I didn’t have a walk in closet full of toys. I had my share however. Ninja Turtles, Transformers, Legos ….. I even had the Turtle’s Van ;) However as most kids go I couldn’t have enough so I was left wanting, granted I destroyed all my toys in mock battles but that’s getting ahead of myself. So here I am today, sitting at home with relatively few bills and left with a sizeable entertainment budget. Since I am not into whores or booze I am forced to recognize that I still have the desire to amass many many toys, and now I can. So what do I do, spend ludicrous amounts of cash on really cool toys, don’t regret it but when I think about it all they do is sit about on myriad surfaces throughout my room.


Upon wondering what I should write next for the WoV my mind wandered as it tends to do and I was lookin’ at some of my toys and began to reach back to the good ol’ days and imagine them having a grand melee …


Anyone who watched the old X-men cartoon on fox back in the day would remember the opening credits, how all the good guys and all the bad guys were running head first at each other screaming and just as they collide the X-mewn graphic would appear and cut to commercial. WELL, I imagine all my toys animating and doing that, except instead of displaying a “Bill’s crap” graphic they start beating the shit out of each other! Let me explain how I see this going down:


The “Good” Guys:

Good Ash (Army of darkness version)
Snake Plissken (Escape from L.A. version)
Vash the Stampede (Trigun)
Random S.W.A.T. member (Resident Evil)
Leonardo (TMNT)
Donatello (TMNT)
De Lorean (Johnny Lightning back to the future version, with Mr. Fusion ;)
Several Veritechs and the Sd-SDF-1 (Robotech)

The “Evil” Guys:

Bender (complete with Suicide booth, from Futurama)
Darth Vader (Obvious)
Bad Ash (Army of Darkness)
Lobo (DC)
Etrigan (Demon, DC)
3 zombies (From resident Evil)
Tiny Ash (Army of Darkness)



Open with them all running, flying, driving at each other. All screaming of course!

The first to pair off are the leaders of the teams, Good Ash and Bad Ash, who I shan’t resolve now. The second are Bender and the two Turtles. The third is all the people from Robotech vs. the zombies. The fourth is Vash and Vader. These are pairs are pretty much what I have set up in my room, except they aren’t actually battling, which upsets me. You may ask, where is everyone else, and I will explain!


The first thing to happen is Tiny Ash jumps in the De Lorean and hits 88, disappearing into time. The folks from robotech start to fire their weapons at the zombies but to no avail, as the zombies are about three times their size. The robotech boys are quickly devoured leaving the zombies shuffling about and looking for more brains. As Bender exits his booth with a fist full of cash and booze he is greeted by Leo and Don who are quite upset as they think they would be much better utilized ganging up on Vader. But Bender is a crafty fella, and convinces them that the S.W.A.T. guy is the real foe, and as the two teenage heroes think about it Bender gives a metallic cackle and disappears into the night. As Vader ignites his lightsaber he prepares a grand speech about Vash not knowing the “true power of the dark side” but is cut off as Vash just shoots Vader in his stomach. The Sith lord is a bit sturdier however and enlightens Vash about the cheap shot, so Vash being the gentlemen gives him 5 more. Random S.W.A.T. guy does not notice the turtles creep up on him and is taken out with a swift crack of Don’s Bo staff. With Vader dead at his feet Vash wheels about to investigate the commotion to his right and sees the Turtles take out the poor S.W.A.T. guy. In a bit of an unfortunate misunderstanding Vash reloads and starts shooting at the turtles, Leo being the hero that he is takes every shot do that Don can subdue Vash. Neither works as Vash is bit too fast for those shenanigans and sadly kills both the turtles. However even Shakespeare would clap for this bit of irony as Bender takes a pipe to Vash’s dome, collapsing the gunslinger.


Lobo and the Demon meanwhile think all of this as rather funny, and begin to jest. As they tend to do they start to argue over which Ninja turtle went out better, leading Lobo to sock the Etrigan in his face. The scuffle to ensue would last for days for neither foe can really die, and neither will yield. Effectively they are out for the time being.


The real battle however is between, you guessed it, the Ahses. As the one-liners fly and the chainsaw growls neither see Snake, who plans on killing everyone at the end anyway. Anyone who ahs seen Army of Darkness knows the battle for them I imagine, with lots of cliché leaping and slapstick violence. They will fight over the Necrnomicon, and Snake will laugh to himself through his sights as he prepares to shoot, but no one ever suspects the zombies and snake is unceremoniously devoured. I also see the zombies coming at Good Ashe (as Bad Ash is already undead) with Good Ash shopping them to bit’s with his chainsaw and blasting their heads with his boomstick. Of course, true to his nature, one of the Zombie’s arms will attach itself to Good Ash’s leg, who will then wield it as a crude cudgel. As the fight goes on into the hours, Ash runs out of gas, a sad thing, but in mid battle Vash swims into semi coherence and flings Vader’s lightsaber at Good Ash, which connects into his right arm socket with a nice click. There is much cheering as he ignites it and Bad Ash frowns, cause he is in deep shit. Wielding a double barreled shotgun in his left hand, and Vader’s saber in his right, err socket, Good Ash grins and chases Bad Ashe around for a while longer. But woe! Bad Ash has gotten the book, and raises undead all around them. No problem for Good Ash but for all the other fallen heroes who were not yet dead are devoured and those that were are to be zombies themselves!


Imagine a fade out, clanging noises, the sounds of a lightsaber and then nothing. Fade in to Good Ash standing atop a mountain of diced undead, a half clothed woman dangling from hip and the biggest grin imaginable on his face. Now things could end, all would be well. But the Necronomicon is still about …


Etrigan and Lobo finally collapse from exhaustion. Lobo’s looking pretty pissed off and as he rises to pound more sense into Etrigan his boot kicks the Necronomicon into the hands of tiny Ashe, who had just appeared. A laugh ensues, but as the tiny doppleganger revels in glee Lobo marches over and rips the book away from him, arm included. Lobo proceeds to kick the car which explodes and he scratches his head over his new toy. Good Ashe meanwhile sees this and begins to freak out, waving for Lobo to smash the book. Lobo being the great guy he is temporarily forgets the book and thinking Ashe a mime throws a few grenades at him. So much for Ashe.



This is just one of the many battles I have thought out. This one wasn’t even that good but I was on a roll on the keyboard. Now that I have bored people to death maybe I can take their toys, and get back to the good old days with matches and rocks, and have the battles out in real life!


-Remember, Jesus may love you, but so does Mr. T


-Kaiser