KAISER #7: The Nazi Xmas

The Way Things Should Be
by Kaiser!


The Nazi Christmas

Hello all, finally the largely dormant Kaiser rears his semi-pleasent smelling head into the fray, and once again speaks out. And yes, it is about Nazis again, didn't see that comin' did, ya? Ye did? Oh well!
Onto the Nazis!

The Nazi Christmas
-Scene 1 -
[Fade in around a fireplace, there sits a heavily decorated Nazi officer, endowed with medals, ribbons and upwards of 16 swastikas about his person. At his feet are two teary eyed youngsters wearing Nazi Jammies, sporting the latest in anti-Semitic propaganda and a hefty dose of "Die fags die!"]
Old Hans: Well zer young children, why do yer eyes tear up so? Are ze fumes from the books hurt you, I know burning out the sin from the Koran and the Kabala can make people cry from joy, but you must learn to grow up as Nazi, without any discernible emotion ozer than anger!
Young Boy: No uncle Hans, we cry for in fact today is Christmas eve, and we have no mommy or daddy.
Old Hans: Yes, zey were killed by Communist cowards last winter, but enver fear, our Fuhrer shall get revenge!
Young Girl: The Fuhrer has been dead for 50 years uncle Hans!
[Old Hans bolts out of his chair in alarm]
Old Hans: Zis cannot be, I received a message from him just yesterday, telling of his victory over Amerika!
Young Boy: Silly old Hans, that's been us the whole time, kinda funny ya?
Old Hans: VAT? Lies, all Lies! Eval Children, you shall die! With my ounce of strength I shall use my last resort!
[A quick scene break shifts to the cold plains of Siberia, the winds drifts along and picks up shards of ice that pummel a hand freshly erupting from the ground.]
Old Hans: My Hitler's gold tooth, Nazi Transform !!!!
[In a shower of gore Old Hans is replaced by a 12 foot club weilding Nazi]
Nazi Jack: I have risen again! It is time for ze revenge dat Hitler deserves...
[the following speech from Nazi Jack is quickly drowned out as the roof of their small German dwelling explodes, as the red fog rolls in a lone figure can be seen standing on top of a wall, he wields a giant Communist flag, and his regal pose suggests only one thing...]
Nazi Jack: Again we meet foolish Stalin! Zis time you will not have Mr. Bond to save you, and I shall rise the third Reich again!
[Stalin takes a swig from a golden chalice previously attached to his belt, then a mad gleam enters his eyes]
Stalin: Hahahaha, Jack, when will you learn? I represent the people, and they can never be silenced!
[Nazi Jack is promptly brained with the flag pole]
Stalin: Muahaha, now is my time, Mother Russia beckons!
[Stalin eyes the children]
Stalin: I revel in the death of the innocent!
[Stalin sweeps the pole around and bashes the kids too, on general principle]
Stalin: Long have I slept, but before I can restore Mother Russia to her true glory I must deal with her enemies!

- What follows was to be an account of several political and influential figures being brutally murdered by Stalin, then it was to follow with a epic tale of Stalin letting rise from the ashes the USSR - But for brevity only one tale can be told -

-Scene 2-

[Enter scene in the White House, where a special meeting is being held for all the ex-presidents and the current pres. "W".]
W: Well, gentlemen your advice will be invaluable in my following years serving the country...
[A knock is heard at the door, as a Secret Service boy opens it, a tall and proud Stalin strolls in]
W: Hey Carl! Today isn't my costume party is it ?
Carl: No sir, that's tomorrow.
W: Well then why is a Stalin impersonator in here?
Stalin: Impostor, Not possible! I shall shatter your nation and rape its resources for Mother Russia!
Clin-ton: Heh, that's what Yelstin said, we all laughed.. hehe.
Stalin: Quiet Clin-ton! Now, prepare to die President, except you Clin-ton, you make me laugh!
[Stalin of course, kills every assembled president excluding Clin-ton, then in a flurry bursts through he roof and fires bolt of fire and lightning at all other governmental buildings save the White House]

- Scene 3 -

News Caster 1: In other news, All ex-presidnests and our current President has been brutally murdered by none other than the ...[scrutinizes the TelePrompTer]... The Glorious Joseph Stalin ?!?! OK, who wrote this ???
[She, being News caster 1, looks to her co-host Jim, but only to find The Gloriously Magnificent Joseph Stalin Grinning beside her, dangling a young American girl on his knee]
News Caster 1: What is the meaning of this, security!
[Stalin glares at her, as his eyes flare red, News caster 1 explodes in golden flame. As the camera man pans back to Stalin he appears twice as big, and the normal world map behind him is replaced with a red-gold globe with the Hammer and Sickle covering it.]
Stalin: America, Today I have killed all your leaders, every government official is dead, right down to local Mayors. But this fortunate turn of events only benefits you, I discovered a clause that George W. Bush had written into the constitution, "in the event all possible replacements have also been killed along with myself, then Joseph Stalin shall be president!" I presume he was drunk or drugged, regardless ! I am now your president, your congress, and your supreme court! And as my first act I declare this a communist country, myself as its figurehead and you all as factory workers. Its time we return Russia to its former glory, soon the whole world will be under my heel, then from there .... WHO Can SAY !