KAISER #12: We Gotta Get Outta This Place

I must make a slight confession, I really have to get out of here. This land you call America, “Land of the free”, is really starting to rub me wrong. This place used to be great, people would step on each other for the almighty dollar and it survival of the fittest. But something happened, people are starting to care about each other, and this whole nonsense about the burning New Yorkers is getting out of hand. I once looked toward these shores white with foam and made plans to turn it red, not with blood (though on a side note that might not be a bad national monument one day) but blaringly red with communist pride. Why? That’s fairly obvious. I have always wanted America, and ultimately the whole globe, to be a communist state. With me at it’s head of course. But now that American pride and patriotism is popular these lands will not be good soil for my seeds of dissent. If only I had acted sooner instead of “going to college” I could have had the public whipped into a frenzy where this whole September 11 nonsense would have a really good catalyst for my takeover. But oh well, one day all will come to bear the fruits of my labor.


But there is hope yet. To think that the American public is so self centered and obviously open to suggestion. Before September 11, the only people with American flags were good ol’ boys in the deep south, and theirs didn’t have 50 stars. All America wanted to do was ignore other people’s problems and get richer, stepping on each other whenever necessary and possible. Then some people exploded and there was this giant underground inferno of burning bodies that is probably still burning three months later and now everyone is waving flags and signing patriotic songs. The very fact that it took those 6,000 dying to get the public to do that says this to me: America is now strong in it’s pride, but they will fall. America is also incredibly easy to manipulate, I don’t need to prove this as there are blatant examples of American gullibility literally everywhere. All I need do is whisper a little propaganda here and there and all is mine. So I have hope when I return to these lands I can begin my takeover in full confidence, not only will it be easy but it will also be fun.


Return says I? Yes, I am traveling to the lands of Lithuania. Why? There is a land that still remembers and exalts the old ways, the true ways. And that land is Lithuania, for they have recently erected a new theme park. This land of joy is called Stalin’s World. Surrounded by watchtowers and barbed wire it harbors concentration camp barracks alongside statues. Giant statues of Lenin, Stalin and other such builders of socialism. Admission is a mere $1.40. The very fact that such a place has been created in the flesh, not just in our hearts, breathes life to my convictions. I am going there, to remember what inspiration is, the bask in the glorious rays of comrade Stalin’s steady gaze. For I know once American’s find and shoot Osama, after a year or so they will atrophy into their carnivorous states. And unto such shall I return for a new glorious revolution.