Vomit God #28: Cell Phones: The Last Nail in the Coffin of Humanity

VOMIT GOD SPEAKS


After a long, hard day at the Clorox factory, you trudge wearily into the movie theatre, eager to pay 8 dollars to escape reality for 2 hours. During a nice, quiet part in the film, your reality is shattered by a cell phone playing "Fur Elise." Your first reaction? KILL!
It's come, the apocolypse is finally here, and I'm conviced it's been wrought by these small boxes that only weigh a few ounces and play your favorite hits when your girlfriend calls you to remind you to pick up tampons. But what harm can these little things do?
The main reason why people want things is because of another box that weighs a lot more: television. From the day we are born, we are told what to wear, what to buy, and how to live by that old radiation box. The popularity of cell phones is a product of those subtle consumer messages in all our favorite shows. We see Snoop Dogg on a cell phone with "ho's" gyrating to his sampled polyrhythmic beats, and we think "power".
The media, sponsored by clothing and other corporations, wants to keep our American society insecure so we will buy more. These insecurities, coupled with the need to make oneself powerful, is the reason why most people want cell phones.
And what a laugh they are! I've never had a meaningful conversation on one of those things. Here's an example:

Joy: What are you (crackle) doing tonight?
Chris: Well, I think we should (buzz) go get some (crackle) steaks.
Joy: Ok,(buzz) I'll be ready at (static).
Chris: What was (crackle) that?
(SIGN FLASHES ON PHONE: OUT OF SERVICE AREA.)

The way these rate plans are designed, too,leave only time for meaningless chitchat.
But for some people, there are legit reasons to own a cell phone. I can understand their use if one's car breaks down, or if one is stuck in traffic, or if one is being chased by the maffia, but unless you really have rotten luck, these are not everyday happenings. Here are some legit reasons for owning a cell phone:

-Your name is Pablo Escavar, and you need to see what time the new shipment of "product" gets in.

-Your son is being held for ransom, and you need to speak to that hoarse voice on the phone, day after day after day.

-You miraculously get heaven on the phone, and you want to talk to Saint Mathiasas.

-You hear strange whisperings on the phone when you get near those power lines in New Mexico, and you think it is from another dimention.

-Prince ditches putting all his new albums online, and decides to broadcast them via cell phone.

If you meet any of these requirements, then I hereby deem you cooler than I, otherwise, I hear Brian Jones is rejoining the Rolling Stones.