January
[1-8-02]
And so it was, the World Of Vocephus set foot into it's third year.
It's funny how something that was never really meant to be anything (and
could be argued that it still isn't) could have lasted this long. While
the site won't officially be three years old until June or July, it seems
fitting to mention it, this being the first official update of the year.
To be honest, it doesn't seem like it's been that long. I wonder what
it is about this place that keeps people coming back...or what keeps me
coming back, for that matter.
There will
be more articles and other things in the days to follow, but today is
simply my first electronic etching for the new year.
The audience
is listening...
[1-9-02]
It's time to put on music. It's time to put on lights. It's time
to get things started for an update tonight.
Desservo
brings us a very somber article, as he mourns the passing of a great man.
Vomit God sums up
the year 2001 as only he can. Raphael
reflects on the past year as only he can. Kaiser
advocates the evacuation of America. The
Mike, upset over the apparent lack of hate mail directed at him tells
us what we already knew...he hates you. What a vicious circle.
BONUS:
A new message board is born...enjoy this one kiddies, while it lasts.
Despite the fact it's eerily similar to the old ezboard one, you will
have to re-register...not that it was a concern to anyone last time around,
as no one did it. FUCK
ALL.
[1-16-02]
Vox is back online, baby!! Ginger Somos...like a left over Thanksgiving
turkey, you've been foiled. Ahh...it feels good to have the old forum
back. As much as I'd love to do a full on update right now, I expended
all my energy just getting back here. (There was a great battle with lasers,
loud noises and lots of blinking lights.) Suffice it to say, I'm here,
and here to stay...until I get bored and quit doing the site, anyway.
Many
new things coming very soon...a lot of changes on the way. If the Ginger
debacle has shown me anything, it's that it's way past time for some shakin'
up around here.
So
in true Vocephus fashion, all this sound...and no fury. Until next time,
that is! Excelsior!
[1-17-02]
Alright...instead of new articles, you people get to hear about
what's been pissing me off lately. First of all, I've mentioned my hatred
of chain letters and other forwards
before. Well, one of the more idiotic forwards that never ceases to amaze
me is the old "send this to 15 people or your email account will
be deleted" bit. First of all, I've gotten similar messages from
Hotmail, and they don't threaten to delete you; they just want you to
buy more space from them. But really people, if you're gonna fall for
one of these scams, at least make sure it's written by someone who passed
the fifth grade.
Someone actually sent this to me (and fourteen other people, as it were):
Honestly!
If this is the work of a MSN employee, losing your email account should
be the least of your worries. The next version of Windows will feature
pop up warnings like, "Error: Your computer
is not working very much good," or "Are
you sure you would like to keep doing this thing you have asked to do?"
Then again, if you still believe that passing these forwards on will save
your precious account, then you deserve to lose it.
Secondly;
the supposed hate mail for Hot Alicia. Look...you're not fooling anybody.
If you're going to go to the trouble of creating an alias, complete with
email address, at least make your letter convincing. This week's letter
is allegedly from my first girlfriend, although I suspect it may have
originated from a more recent one (or at least one of her operatives).
She has already masterminded (I use the term loosely) a string of similar
letters, and the latest seems to follow the trend. I won't even bother
pasting it up here, but rest assured it's the typical "You're
Not-So-Hot Alicia. Ho ho, I am so clever for coming up with that!"
And on and on. Not only is bagging on H.A. old hat, but the "secret
internet identity" has been done, and done much better. And as far
as Hot Alicia being a good writer or not, I won't comment on the issue.
Besides, never having read any of her work, I'm not really qualified to
do so anyway.
My
final words of advice to all of you are these: If they do delete your
email account, don't worry...the "Joke of the Day" is never
funny. And if you're going to have a secret identity, one of them had
better wear a cape.
Enjoy
each update like it was the last...take that however you like.
[1-22-02]
Today's update is terrible. For several reasons, mind you, regardless
of your opinion about it's overall quality. He officially put in his notice
earlier this month, but I have neglected to mention it until now: Gandhi
Mangler has quit the World Of Vocephus. Quothe the Manger:
I,
Gandhi Mangler, being of unsound mind as usual, do ravenously proclaim
my death, as well as the following:
1.
Deep Throat is probably D.B. Cooper, or Ted Kennedy. Liddy said deep throat
couldn't be just one person because many bits of diverse information were
handed over to the Berstein and Woodward (both of whom became famous because
they wrote what someone else told them-- but still never got the story
right). Kennedy had the motive, the connections, and the power.
2.
Though my resignation was hasty (but foreshadowed), I bequeath all my
electronic possessions to Vox Vocephus, despite his lingering baby-rape
charges in Zimbabwe.
3.
It has come to my attention that "Appalachia" doesn't exist.
As the slightly-retarded kids say, "my bad."
4.
The problem with The Daily Show is that it's too good for television.
5.
Jesus has always hated you.
6.
It's time for someone else to feel my ass and like it.
7.
Barry is my hero.
Fear
not, for I do believe that selling out my family is still a worthwile
cause and I shall pursue it in the future, despite being dead. In the
meantime, you can keep my memory alive by shouting "Gandhi Mangler
is my daddy!" every time you take a bite of "Oatmeal Raisin
Crisp" cereal.
As if that
weren't bad enough news, a week and a half later, the WOV's very own Vomit
God announced a similar departure. Herein
lie the last words of Vomit God. He was also quick to write and send
me his own eulogy as well.
It's at
once a shame, yet fitting I announce both staffers' departure in the same
update. Now that I think about it, this will open the window to fierce
debate that Vomit God and Gandhi Mangler are one and the same person.
Or maybe one will be miffed that his departure was upstaged by the other's.
Either way, both writers will be severely missed by myself, and all of
the Faithful Four Readers.
So all said
and done, these revelations beg the unveiling of a new feature here at
WOV: I give you Gone & Forgotten,
a burial ground for all the ghosts of articles and features past. However,
we all hope that this section will be seldom updated, at least until Desservo
is inducted.
One more
thing...to those of you who aren't reading the message board, I suggest
you check it out. A good old fashiond soap opera is brewing, complete
with swell name-calling and back-biting!
"You
never realize how much you miss someone, until they're gone...unless you
never really liked them to begin with." - Vocephus
[1-25-02]
With this attention on the addition and subtracion of staff writers,
I think we have all forgotten what this website is really about: Me.
So in celebration of this rediscovery of self, I bring you a Photo Play.
Made by me. Vocephus. Check it.
[1-27-02]
The Jesus Photo Play is the
talk of the town! (i.e. I won't shut up about it, until all have read
it.) However, I'll bow out of the limelight, if only for a moment, to
shed light on some newness that has surfaced in my inbox.
As
we attempt to flush the memory of Vomit God from our systems, I present
to you two previously unpublished articles of WOV's favorite ex-staffer;
a bitter dissertation on cellular phones,
and a bit of highly experimental poetry.
Not since Tupac has a posthoumous release been so pretentious (and widely
ignored!) Coming soon: A transcription of Vomit God's answering
machine message, and countless interviews with people claiming to have
been close to him!
And
so as we mourn the passing of those that are gone
and forgotten, Desservo gets things going with not one,
but two brand new articles! To
his credit, Mike had this written a long time ago (when it was still relevant)
but it awaited image work that never came. So, before I forget about it
entirely, here is a post-Osama-O-Rama piece entitled Return
of the Dubya. The outspoken and nubile Hot Alicia also has a new bit
for us, and you can find it here.
After raiding my own mailbox, and smashing a few others with baseball
bats, I managed to scrape up two new fan letters.
The next time your mother scolds you for spending too much time on the
internet, show her that you are indeed doing some good reading...on second
thought, just tell her you look at porn. It may proove less embarassing.
February 2002
[2-13-02]
Valentines Day; the one day of the year you show your affection
for your sweetheart by purchasing as many inane plush animals and as much
overpriced, heart shaped chocolate as your meager Arby's paycheck will
allow. But alas...after hearing about that cool prostitute stuff in Grand
Theft Auto 3, you just had to have it...thus finding yourself just
shy of the extra dough you need at this crucial time of the year. You're
left with few choices. You can do nothing, thus neglecting your obligations
in your relationship, annihilating any lingering strand of emotion your
lover may have ever had for you, proving to her parents that you are the
nihilistic, unfeeling monster they had you pegged for on day one, and
completely and utterly disregarding the true meaning of the holiday.
Sounds
bad, doesn't it? I'm offering you an alternative.
For
the very low and reasonable price of absolutely nothing, you can salvage
your meaningless, self serving relationship...or if you will, put a bullet
in it's beaten, weary head. Yes, the World
Of Vocephus Valentines Day Cards are here. You're welcome.
[2-21-02]
Welcome to the second update of the second month in the second
year of the new millennium. Isn't it exciting? Yes, yes it is.
So,
moving right along, let's check out what's new and/or noteworthy here
on the old site. Raphael the Contradiction has a new
article, and from what I gather, he claims some bizarre ownership
of my derriere. See what you think. Desservo boldly submits an article
he never submitted before...you can explore
it here. Somebody (presumably people we already know) wrote some Fan
Letters, and I subsequently responded to them as only I can.
And
yes...new Rocks of Randomness!
You love it.
I
know there's been a lot of hubub about the message board (or at times,
the lack thereof) but I've once again tracked it down. Jixby's
promising stability this time, but he's lied before. No matter...I give
you the new, but vastly unimproved WOV
message board.
March 2002
[3-6-02]
I'm about to make a statement that may shock many of you. CROSSROADS
IS THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE. That's right, and I'd say it agian. Now,
before you doubt my credibility, and perhaps even my sanity, let me explain.
First of all, there are two, count' em, TWO scenes of the very nubile
Britney Spears in her underwear. Secondly, due to the fact that the theater
we were in was completely empty, we went up to the top and made shadow
puppets with French accents for the remainder of the movie. I don't know
how the story ended, but those French puppets were HILARIOUS.
And
now, on with the business of the site. I present to you what is no doubt
to become a site favorite, Vox Libs!
New articles from Raphael,
Desservo and L
as well.
*Readers
may note, while this update may seem a bit hurried, it was put together
rather quickly, as I was bribed with the promise of porn upon it's delivery.
Excelsior!
[3-20-02]
The time is at hand...planets are aligning...the World of Vocephus
as we know it will soon be no more.
VERSION
3.0 LAUNCHES IN MERE DAYS...
April 2002
June 2002
[6-13-02]
It
would appear that WOV is once again in it's Pax Romana (should it even
be arguable it had one to begin with) as we welcome back yet another ex-former
staffer: Gandhi Mangler has returned to us!
So once again we are left to wonder exactly why Desservo is still around...
In other
article wonderment, we have hastily compiled submissions from Deoxy
Xyloflux, L, Mike
and Mike's brother. However,
there is no reason for you to read any of that drivel when Keep
Watching The Screens has also updated, with many more wonderful warnings
of forgettable films.
Assuming
it makes it up in time for this update, our new and fantastic staff page
is courtesy of WOV's very own design undergraduate and underachiever Ryan!
Our tens of fans thank you, sir.
[6-18-02]
WOV
has lost it's controversial spark. Gone are the days of mysterious hate
letters, message board spats and infighting among staffers (universal
contempt for Desservo notwithstanding). In fact, things are downright
tame around here these days. Not to say there aren't things worth hanging
around for anymore, there is indeed still some web-magic
within these pages. Vomit God and Gandhi Mangler, two of the finest, most
miserable human beings to have ever sat behind a keyboard have returned.
Keep Watching The Screens is a pretty damn good feature, if I do
say so myself. Occasionally a graphic gets optimized and compressed, much
to the glee of the sexually repressed techno-geeks behind the scenes of
the site. But where is the danger?
Yes, perhaps
in hindsight we're all glad to be rid of the petty
idiocy that once was so rampant around these parts. But who do we
have to laugh at now? Hell, there haven't even been any national emergencies
to inspire a "Theme Week" for nearly a year.
Ladies and
gentlemen, our long national nightmare is finally over and heaven knows
we're miserable now!
July 2002
[There was likely more in between here. Archive.org is currently buggy. --2009 April 29]
[7-30-02]
Just
in time for July, it's yet another Update-O-Rama here at WOV! Getting
right down to business, Deoxy has not one,
not two, but three
articles for your displeasure. Desservo has not one,
but two articles for your indifference.
And Hot Alicia, Mike
and Raphael have but one article for your
bemusement. (As an addendum to the first line in Hot Alicia's article,
if I ruled the world, Hot Alicia's sister would be my girlfriend. Good
genes run in that family...and they look good in jeans, too.) Two
more letters have been filed away in the ever bewildering collection of
Fan Mail, and everyone's favorite movie review
site of movies nobody wants to see, Keep
Watching the Screens has added a handful of Freddie movies to their
List To Be Missed. And in other small web-wonderment, I present you with
yet more proof that thousands of dollars worth of camera equipment and
a sluggish economy make for solid
gold entertainment.
Once again,
an update worthy of the highest accolades, and indeed three times as entertaining
as anything you'll find on a livejournal page. Take that, indie kids!
August 2002
[8-6-02]
Donna
D'Errico...Warwick Davis...Weird Al Yankovic. Is it the cast of the new
Lord Of The Rings movie? No, they're just a few of the amazing stars in
the most Star-Studded World of Vocephus Exclusive Photoplay ever! It's
amazing! It's fantastic! It's right here!
Also, a
new article from Deoxy Xyloflux and some new
Rocks of Randomness! You couldn't
beat this update with a stick!
[8-7-02]Believe
it or not, this is the third August our beloved WOV has seen. My domain
is getting up there in website years, and may very well be past it's prime.
I've thought about retiring the site entirely, or even handing over the
identity of Vocephus to another...kinda like an online Dread Pirate Roberts,
ya know? But eventually, I'd get bored and come back to it. So, despite
the lack of updates and sporadic disinterest I occasionally suffer from,
I eventually come back here. That, and I could never figure out how those
damn livejournals work, and I doubt that crowd is down with Jesus
humor anyway. Not that I imagine anyone out there gets half of the
crap I put up here anyway.
So, what
we really have here is a miasma of esoteric references, tasteless jokes,
psudeo-intellectual babble, and a collection of in-jokes (that even we've
forgotten about) spanning over two years. Is this cause to celebrate?
Hell, the Misanthropic Bitch
has been on the web for five years, and not only is she consistently funnier
than I am, she at least has things to write about other than what establishments
she's gotten kicked out of over the weekend. Then again, maybe that's
why people do come here...they like hearing about people getting kicked
out of restaurants and hotels. So this is my purpose in life?
Don't get
me wrong...may Jeebus strike me down if I speak ill of the site, but I
gotta wonder...just what is the appeal? Certainly not the articles. Honestly,
who reads this crap? Besides, I wouldn't be surprised if the bulk of my
readership were illiterates*. (*people who can't read)
Regardless, I accept my position as purveyor of all things useless and
arcane. But hey...at least there are no annoying pop-ups!
So, my children...whom
I love...once again I give you what you want.
Hot
Alicia has written a piece on her struggles with the ocean, and I
promise it isn't just a vehicle to justify posting pics of her in a bikini...although
I did that anyway. Ah...I can already hear the furious clicking of mice.
On the other side of sexy, Desservo waxes
poetic about the possibilities a beard presents him. And finally, Deoxy
Xyloflux delivers a meandering word-poem that only the deepest of
hipster dufus's can decipher. Another day, another reader alienated.
[8-30-02]
As
it so happens, I've enrolled in all online courses this semester (thus
reducing my reasons for leaving the house) and so far, the first assignment
has been the introductory paragraph on the message board. (So basically,
the same old "What Did You Do Last Summer" crap they've been
feeding us for years now.) So what? So...whether prompted though
the questionnaire, or by my own admission, our very own WORLD OF VOCEPHUS
has dug it's filthy claws into the back of academia! Links to the site
are currently plaguing educational message boards all over the web (four,
to be exact).
So what?
So, we may very well be host to a gaggle of confused, and no doubt soon
to be offended new readers. While I have my doubts that anyone will actually
view anything beyond the front page, I must be ready to accept the unlikely
possibility someone will explore this website. With that in mind,
I have already decided not to post any new articles (why alienate them
so soon?) but instead to provide a brief overview/explanation/apology
for what these poor souls might experience here.
STEP
ONE: Acceptance
An unbiased guide to the WOV has already been written for you in the About
section. I suggest reading it, if you've come this far. But while I still
have your attention, let me give you the straight poop right now. This
may very well be the best written, funniest, and otherwise greatest piece
of webspace you'll ever see. Modesty typically keeps me grounded in
a self depreciative mode of self-referential humor, but there it is. I'm
glad you found us.
STEP
TWO: Confusion
WOV is the E/N (everything/nothing) website that vehemently denies it
is an E/N site. We manage to pull off self-proclaimed "e-zine"
status, because we have a variety of writers instead of one guy pontificating
about what he ate for breakfast, or why Radiohead rules (see every
single livejournal user).
Plus, we have regular features, such as our spin-off movie review site,
Keep Watching The Screens,
and the regularly updated Rocks of Randomness
(a reader favorite!) as well as keeping abreast of our (excruciatingly
slow) growing archive of Fan Mail. Plus, WOV
is an avid supporter of Spell Check!
STEP
THREE: Bemused Resignation
Alright, so I've sold you by now, right? And if you're new to the site,
it probably seems like a veritable quagmire of information and entertainment
to plow through. Vocephus, you ask, just what should I look
at first? The following bulleted list will serve as a sort of 'Greatest
Hits of WOV' for you interested neophytes.
- How
To Do Drugs - A Photo Play - Desservo's
Toy Box - Staff Article by Desservo - Jesus
Vs. Han Solo
- Staff Article by Socrates Johnson - Detrimental
- Staff Article by Gandhi Mangler - Cross
Section of a Chain Letter - Article by Vocephus
Oh, there
are others, to be sure...but that's enough to get you up to speed on the
vibe of what goes on around here. Two years and running we've been doing
this, and whether one would consider that impressive or depressing I'll
leave to you, the viewer. Until next time, faithful readers...
October 2002
[10-10-02] Good
God...an update. Not that you deserve it, but I have some treats for you
nontheless. Vomit God is back in both name
and spirit, thus bringing the Deoxy Xyloflux era to a close. So what better
way to commemorate such an illustrious period in Vomit God's career than
to gather together all his hits in one collection...with some previously
unrealeased bonus articles! The Deoxy Xyloflux
Anthology will not be sold in any stores, websites or by phone...order
now!
November 2002
December 2002
THE
NOW:
[12-5-02]
Seeing
as the end of yet another year is upon us, it's a good time to reflect
(and in some cases, recant) on recent events concerning the World Of Vocephus
and it's affiliates. As we all know, some things fall by the wayside either
due to lack of interest, or purely by lapse of memory. Either way, invoking
the names of these spirits of murky memory tend to solicit a unified response
of recall that usually sounds like this; "Oh...yeah!"
In that
spirit, I give you the Top Ten Things We Don't Care About Anymore.
10. Time
Cube - Hilarious, yet maddening, the Time Cube website offered theological
answers to questions nobody asked.
9. Osama
bin Laden - The man who may or may not have been behind the September
11th attacks may or may not ever be caught, and may or may not be remembered
in another year from now.
8. The
Message Board - Ah, yes...the neglected WOV message board. As you
may just now notice, it's not even linked from this page anymore, and
hasn't been for several months now. Not that it was a conscious decision,
but when I was tinkering with the front page display awhile back, I simply
forgot to put the link back up. Nobody seemed to notice.
7. Stile
Project - The home of scat videos and bukakke pictures, I don't think
anybody has been to Stile's site since it turned into a platform for porn
links. However, that may be a good reason to go back...
6. The
Bill Cosby Plays - With the promise of, and subsequent denial of dozens
of alleged completed plays, the evil and vile Bill Cosby Plays have scarce
been mentioned for many a moon now.
5. Ask
Drunken Dwarf - Either the D.D. has answered all known questions in
the universe, or has slipped into a temporal vortex never to be heard
from again. But with well over a year since the last installment, the
only question left for Drunken will be, "Who are you?"
4. Koosh
Balls - Now, there's two words I bet you haven't heard in the last five
years.
3. Quality
Control - You submit it, I'll post it. No questions asked. Browse
the site for awhile if you don't believe me.
2. The
Jixby Phillips Page-O-Fun - Once considered to be the sister site
of WOV, Jixby seems to have fallen off the virtual map sometime around
February of 2001.
And the
number one Thing We Don't Care About Anymore is...
In terms
of general updatey-ness, I have a few selections for you people. Gandhi
Mangler disproves God's existence, which I'm sure will really piss
Him off. Vomit God warns us that we are
all going to die, and Mike threatens the death
of pop music icons No Doubt. One more letter in the Fan
Mail archives, and a solitary link
just about does it for this installment. See you next time, kiddies!
[12-25-02] Merry
Christmas, Peace On Earth, and God Bless America!
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