Raphael #9: Raphael Rants

by Raphael

Hi everybody....(Tumbleweed blows through) Ok, I'm not Dr. Nick so sue me. Anyways, it has been brought to my attention that I haven't been writing a whole lot on the site lately. Like I didn't notice. So as I was being beaten by Kaiser and the WOV thugs (Why did you join them Mr.T?) I decided that I should make a return to writing. But what to write about? My work is usually incoherent scriblings written at 4 AM and then reworked by Vocephus...but then I had an idea. It came at me like a towering hamburger, and actually, it was a hamburger. It was angry because it had no cheese. In the battle that ensued I was left severely battered and I now have a pickle in my eye but from this I learned something. Make sure that when you kill a cow that they stay dead and when you grind them into food don't charge a dollar for cheese like those bastards at the Hard Rock Cafe. Yeah I noticed.

Oh, yeah there were many sequels in the works but due to lack of motivation and just overall procrastination I decided the time would be better spent lying to the public and to cancel all my shows due to a sprained toe. Yeah, a sprained toe you read it right but I'm still as dedicated as ever to sleeping, eating, and maybe even killing a couple of people. And now a song about the substance that destroyed my life and many others.

Why ohhhh why did you have to do that to meeeee,
I was your friend and never did I seee that you wanted me dead
Oh Otter Pop you bastard Otter pop, Otter pop, Otter pop Whhhhyyyy?

A devils delight, that doesn't make the otter pop right,
He stole my soul and sold it to the pawn shop guyyyy.
For ALF pogs, he's back in pog form.
I never ate another treat because you turned me into a freak
Otter pop, Otter pop, Otter pop, Whhhhyyyy?

The sweets are no longer sweet and you caused me to lose my feet
And then when I had a frown you quickly ran me down in your caaaarrrr of doooom.
Otter pop, Otter pop, Otter pop, Whhhhyyyy?

Well that's the song...well not quite, there is a 6 minute drum solo but that's for another day. Well, now I
have to go as I have many tasks to attend to....no really I do. Actually I just have to watch The
Simpsons. So I'm off. Where did I put my pants???