Raphael #10: The Declaration

by Raphael the Contradiction

I have decided to declare myself the Father of Randomness. Why you ask? Because declaring myself a
father is much easier than actually having a kid and naming him Randomness. Also because no one has half as much gusto to be as random as me, and yes it does take gusto to just say something at random when it has nothing to do with anything. Try it just once today, I dare you, I double dog dare you, in the middle of a
conversation say something like "I wish I had some spaghetti" or "I miss the ninja turtles," and just see
what happens. And that is why you should elect me president of the United States.

You know, my last article went on sort of a mean and totally out of control tangent. I would apologize, but then you'd know I was lying and I'd have to get my knife wielding monkey assassin to dispatch you. Should you be able to outwit the monkey, a midget named Torbin will pop out of the shadows and shoot you up with heroine before selling you into prostitution. And that is why I can't apologize. Torbin's a bastard, he's holding me hostage right now, in fact.

I'd like to take this opportunity to start a forum where I believe that at regular intervals Vocephus
should start doing a jig on command. I think it would add a lot of spice to the site and keep Vox on his feet and in shape entertaining you the reader. Plus I would laugh....a lot.

I would talk about something important but I really don't think any of us are into saving the world, so an
impassioned plee to free Tibet would only fall on deaf ears. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against Tibet
but when was the last time they called and wanted to hang out? Exactly, you can't even remember, can you? Hey, Dalai Lama if you want my support we'll do lunch, I'll even pay, we'll even go to Denny's cause I'm that damjn classy. And I can spell damn with a 'j' if I feel like it, I'm the Father Of Randomness for Christors sake.

On an unrelated topic, I will follow the very bold lead of The Kaiser and ask someone to feed me chicken.
No, I demand it. You think I'm joking but I'm not. Write me an e-mail and then feed me chicken. They say the fastest way to a mans heart is through his stomach, well that helps but if I don't like you I'm leaving after the meal anyways, maybe still with a drumstick in hand as I walk out. So in essence they lie to get women to learn to cook...ingenius.

Have you ever woken up and just lied in bed in peace wishing that noon wasn't so damn hot? I miss those
days even when it was hot. Damn sleeping disorders. I really wish I hadn't replaced all my blood with
caffeine.

I would like to remark that I have the only 2 friends in the whole damjn world that actually go to Hooters
for the wings. I'm not afraid to say I go to Hooters and that I eat the wings. To tell you the truth, I'm not really sure if they serve anything else. The whole place is wings and tits and tits and wings. To be on the fair side I always treat the waitresses very well and they are always nicer than any other restaurants on a regular basis. Thats what happens when peppy cheerleaders who have no brain and no skill go into the real world, they kiss my ass for money. I love capitalism. For that I toast to Hooters!

I suppose I should be off into the wild blue yonder, so I'll see you later daddio....yeah thats right I said daddio, I don't care if you think it's lame, shut your damjn mouth and bug off. (Tiny Tim comes out) "And God Bless us everyone." (A monkey with a bowie knife drops from the ceiling) I thought I told that kid not have God bless us anymore, the Pope's suing me as is. Torbin, go kill the Pope for me.


The Damjn End...for now