Desservo #8: Know Your Foe!

In the wake of the September 11th Attacks perpetrated upon U.S. soil, and the subsequent war on terror, we here at The World of Vocephus have decided that it is time to do our part for the cause. It was yours truly who stepped forward at once and decided to take on the grim but important task of investigating and reporting to you, dear reader, the facts on the world’s most dangerous man, Osama Bin Laden.



Bin Laden’s past has been shrouded with a vale of mystery and all trails to that past nearly covered by his loyal network of terrorist spies. But thanks to many “inside” contacts, I have been able to uncover details of the terrorist’s past – and what is most shocking is that Osama was born an American.





The bin Laden residence, circa 1950.


Osama Bin Laden was born in Midwich Falls, Ohio in 1950. His father, Walter, a regional manager for Woolworth and eventually Sears and Roebuck, had been in WWII and settled down with Betty Ross, his high school sweetheart from his hometown of Johnson Point, Indiana. Immediately the kids started popping out, and when Woolworth, Inc. saw that Mr. Bin Laden had exceptional leadership skills they offered him the opportunity to manage a store in Midwich Falls, where they would raise their family. Obviously, we now know where Osama got his natural leadership ability.



Osama had a normal, but happy, childhood. When elementary school friends were questioned, one had the following to say: “Osie was a good boy.He was bright, funny and polite. He was fond of taking things apart and seeing how they worked – I thought it was cute when he brought in a working atomic bomb for the science fair one day.”


However, it was this technical interest that began Osama on his dark journey. One day, the young Bin Laden took apart his father’s brand new Zenith TV to “see how it worked.” Walter Bin Laden, reputed to have had a great temper, beat young Osama senseless. He then picked up the brand new TV and smashed it into a million pieces in anger. The boy was just 8 and he suffered a broken heart.


This was the first step. Little “Osie” or “Binny” began getting in trouble at school, and teachers were calling home almost every day demanding to talk to a parent. By now it was the 60s, and the Vietnam War was raging in southeast Asia. Osama was falling apart, a teen in angst, but he kept trying to live a normal life. His father never forgave his son for making him break the Television, and the two suffered from great tension.


Osama knew he was a failure in his father’s eyes. Walter Bin Laden dubbed his son “not good enough to live in this great country,” and he was sure to tell him this every time he screwed up. Reportedly, the young Bin Laden even wrote a novel at the age of 12, with plans to publish and use the money to pay his way through college. When his father got wind of this, however, he simply looked his son up and down, laughed, tore the manuscript to pieces, threw it in the boy’s face and declared: “Son, no faggot will live in this house. You keep this fairy nonsense up and the only writing you’ll see is your name on a tombstone.” Osama’s creative spirit was destroyed. But his father only made things worse.


On a family trip to New York in 1964, when the World Trade Center towers had been recently built, Walter Bin Laden, who didn’t like the Towers’ design, used his opinion as an excuse to insult young Osama. “Shit, son,” Mr. Bin Laden grunted, “Those godawful towers are almost as ugly as you are.” This would scar the young man, and he would later act out these long-buried aggressions, as we saw on September 11th.


Osama, 3rd row from bottom, 6th from right


In High School, Osama joined the football team and became their all-star quarter back. There was great achievement in this feat for Osama – not in an athletic sense, but in the sense that he was doing something “normal” – being a good all-American boy in an all-American town – it made him feel normal amidst his troubled home life. However, things took a turn for the worse when he discovered masturbation.


Although Osama at age 16 discovered masturbation later than most boys, he seemed to make up for lost time. His schoolwork started to suffer; when Osie would get home from school, he would retreat immediately into his bedroom or bathroom and induce masturbatory orgasms for hours on end thinking nobody would notice.


It was then that he began to become an introvert and his performance on the football team began to suffer. All he could think about was going home and manipulating himself until he was fully relieved. That’s all he ever thought about, and during one game on a Friday night against a rival football team, Osama was performing so poorly that the coach benched him and promptly sent him to the showers. Osama couldn’t have been more happy. He knew this was his chance. He quickly retreated to the High School showers and began masturbating. What he didn’t know was that half-time was only two minutes away, and during his self-love session the entire team walked in on him, stark naked. They all gathered round and snapped him relentlessly with wet towels. Osama couldn’t stop crying, and the coach couldn’t stop laughing. Everything was funny, except for the fact that the coach placed a call to the young Bin Laden’s father minutes after the incident.


Walter Bin Laden, embarrassed and ashamed, took his son home. He made young Osama wait in the study while he went down the hall to inform Betty Bin Laden, Osama’s mother, and to get the belt from the closet. The embarrassed young man knew of his fate and could only do one thing: masturbate. Unfortunately, Osama wasn’t the only one who “erupted” that night. His father walked in the room and the rest is history.


Osama, 17, received the beating of his life and was shortly thereafter kicked out the
house. A week later, the young man lost his will to strive for anything. He dropped out of High School, burned his draft card and took to the open road. Like young Anakin Skywalker transforming into Darth Vader, Bin Laden was nearing the last stretch of road on his journey to complete evil and villainhood. He began attending protests against the Vietnam War across the nation, and during this period he grew his infamous beard and long hair. Osama sank deeper and deeper into an anti-American mindset, and joined the militant radical liberal group, F.O.O.T. (Flames Of Oppressional Tyranny). They were angry, anti-American and anti-peace. Even hippies called them “liberal assholes.”


Osama quickly flew up the ranks of F.O.O.T., and eventually became its leader. However, the organization had many problems – people considered it just too hostile, radical and militant to become associated with. Frustrated, Osama turned to the retired founder of his failing organization, Vietnam Veteran Albert Reed Kyda – better known as, Al Kyda. Kyda became the father Osama never had, and fast grew into the young leader’s mentor and Jedi master. The dark sith apprentice studied the master’s teachings until the early 70s, when Al Kyda finally spoke the most important words to ever fall upon Osama’s ears: “Sometimes the only way to destroy the machine is to leave it.” The path of destiny couldn’t have been more clear. Al Kyda disappeared the following day, never to be heard from again (although it is believed he opened a Christian toy store in San Fernando Valley).


Osama circa 1969

Bin Laden took what was left of his followers, and departed America that month – ironically, on an airplane. Always having a taste for the desert, Osama headed to the middle east, where he fell in with Iranian terrorists quickly. Their agenda was one of taking down the infidel’s haven known as the United States of America through a series of cowardice attacks that would eventually make the behemoth superpower crumble from within. Osama took to this atmosphere like a duck to water. Also, they instructed Bin Laden in the ways of Mohammed – and Osama saw that Mohammed was his true dark lord and master. Also, as before, he ascended through their ranks and became their terrorist-in-chief, and over the years their alliance grew to astronomical numbers. And finally, in the mid-80s, Osama formed the infamous terrorist network – Al-Quaida, named after his mentor and first master.


The circle was complete….


Osama Bin Laden is the world’s most wanted man. He is dangerous, angry, and an embarrassment to the nation. If you see him, please call the Ghostbusters at 1-800-GO-BUST!

Nobody destroys the World Trade Center in my town!


Jesus Loves You,

Desservo