Desservo #4: Coming Soon from Desservo's Toy Box!

Desservo's Toy Box, a subsidiary of WOV Productions, is creating a new line of action figures that cater to many different popular interests, much like Todd McFarlane toys. Here now is a catalogue of the top ten action figures hitting the shelves (right along with your ugly face if you don't buy my products) and invading your home this year!

10. Kurt Cobain: Suicide Edition. Comes complete with double-barrel shotgun, self-pity, fake blood and exploding head. A guaranteed Christmas hit!

9. Freaky-Lecture-Spewing Charles Manson. Sure, the Chuck Manson cult "mind-control" series figure was popular with the kids last summer, but what kid's action figure collection wouldn't be complete without the bizarre rantings of a prison bound Charlie "Mr. Christianity" Manson? Sure-fire gold.

8. Rodney King beating action set. Ah, the one we've all been waiting for. Comes complete with a doubled-over-in-pain Rodney King (included with bloodshot-red eyes and a look of utter confusion) and the squad of cops that beat him to a pulp -- be sure to buy the electronic version so you and your family can witness the classic ass-whoopin' -- OVER and OVER again! Voice chips are outfitted with screams, laughter and racial slurs to assure authenticity (and fun!).

7. Lee Harvey Oswald: Surprise! Who wouldn't want an action figure of Lee Harvey in handcuffs getting his from Joe Ruby? That look of surprise and confusion is priceless, and should be immortalized in plastic. We'll show those commies what this country does to President Killers!

6. Evil Ronald McDonald. This is a personal favorite. This sweet action figure would include features like: blood-drooling, sharpened teeth, expired hamburger meat, preschool girls and bad intent. And of course it would be nice to throw in a hardon tenting Ronald's clown pants for good measure. He may be evil, but he's hung!

5. Elvis Presley: The Final Hour. Comes included with 50-pounds-overweight Elvis, a soiled and wrinkled trademark polyester Elvis costume, the legendary toilet he was s(h)itting on when he died, and of course, the floating triplets he left in the bowl. The foul odor is included for realism, and last but not least, Elvis comes with the dreaded prescription-bottle-grip! Watch out, health.

4. Steve McQueen - The Comeback Kid. Sure, the King of Cool has been dead for over 20 years, but he can probably still get more chicks than even the most ignorant high school jock. Ever seen the great escape, where Steve McQueen is in a nazi POW camp and he has to claw and tunnel his way through the ground to see the light of day? Well, guess what? He's doing it again! That's right, kids, Steve McQueen has clawed his way out of the grave -- he's rotten, he's stinky, and he's back for some puntang. Don't get in his way; he's liable to break a decomposing foot off in your ass. Comes complete with coolness.

3. Fagatron: The Oppressor. He's no longer the Saturday Morning Cartoon you love to hate. He's mean, he's opinionated, he's sensitive, he's powerful, and he's gay. Destroy those pesky forces of good with Fagatron's searing opinions on art history (zap!), and watch as this high-tech action figure slings ABC, Erasure, and Pet Shop Boys CDs to destroy all those who stand in his way
(crash!). He's Faaaaaaaaaaaaaan-TASTIC! And he's gay.

2. Ike Turner with Bitch-Slap-Action Kung Fu Arms. This figure is popular with the younger ones. Enjoy endless fun as you watch Ike bitch-slap that ungrateful bitch, Tina Turner over and over again until she admits she deserves more. Hit the "Turbo" button and watch him put some STANK on that backhand! "Bitch-Slap Ike" also comes included with a half-finished bottle of Jim Beam and a handful of Tina's hair. Layin' the smack down this Christmas!

And last, but not least..

1. Bionic Ronald Reagan! A secret cure to Old Timer's disease was found, and was administered to Reagan by the ALACPIP (American League Against Commie Pinkos Invading the Planet), wherein they sprung The Gipper from the clutches of his evil bitch of a wife, Nancy "HEADstrong" Reagan. Not only can he remember his phone number, but he has also been rebuilt to battle the forces of Communism -- faster, stronger, and this time he's not fucking around. Comes complete with blue Superman pajamas and cape. This new, state-of-the-art action figure has a different audio-chip response for each action. Use the ReaganSpear feature to nail one of Ronnie's enemies to the wall, and marvel as the ex-President says "PIN one for the Gipper!" and other one-liners that would make Ah-Nuld himself blush with shame. Have your very own Bionic Ronald Reagan to fight the forces of homosexuality, evil, high taxes and communism in the name of America, and of course, chillin'. The Reagster DOES find time to relax, you know, but if you want details, you'll have to buy the comic.
Be sure to buy five of everything you see here as soon as they debut! One to open and play with, one to keep closed, one for backup in case the opened one is destroyed, the other one for backup in case the closed on is destroyed, and one more just so you can have something that dumbass neighbor kid down the street doesn't. And please know, 100% of all profits go to the Desservo Foundation, one of America's most heroic charities that fights against financial hard times for me....er, young men like me and you. Can your soul afford NOT to buy my toys?

Jesus Loves You.

Sincerely,
Desservo