Desservo #13: Dear Jane

Dear Jane,

There's no easy way to tell you what I'm about to tell you. It hurts me to write this just as much as it will probably hurt you to read it, but I feel it must be said. I can no longer live a lie.

First of all, I'm not really Superman. I told you that because I wanted to impress you, but I knew it was time to come clean when I realized I lost any desire to impress you (or be around you for that matter). I know it almost made sense that I COULD be Superman, I mean, time after time I would be gone for hours on end, and I would claim that I was out committing gallant acts of bravery and heroism, but in reality I was just at home watching Star Trek marathons on TNN. In fact, you should be thankful I'm NOT Superman; surely those boring, incoherent and completely uninteresting stories of your childhood would have acted as Kryptonite. I'm sorry, but the only place I'm a Superman is in the sack. Other than that, I'm just ordinary as any other mega-genius.

Secondly, I paid those guys to rape you. Something you said had pissed me off, but I can't remember what it was now. I know we fought a lot, but it was the straw that broke this camel's back. I also paid those guys to pretend to get their asses kicked by me. Did you really think I was that tough? Shit, I get nervous when my cat gives me a dirty look. No way I could take three dirty, AIDS-ridden rapists, but I thought you would appreciate the gesture. Don't think that means I didn't love you or anything. But wasn't it a learning experience for you? A growth period? You should be happy! Christ, you think that was cheap, you ungrateful bitch? I downed two paychecks for that, which could have easily gone to new DVDs and porn mags!

Third, your dad didn't just "die peacefully" in his sleep. Although he WAS sleeping, if that's any consolation! He was getting in the way, so I had to eliminate him. Hey, all's fair, love and war, right? And in war, there is collateral damage. Also, your mom didn't get those two black eyes and all those bruises from just "falling down." She owed me a favor, and wasn't able to pay up, so I collected. Sorry. Oh, and while I'm on the subject of family, let me just say that your sister's husband isn't really the father of that little bundle of joy on the way (well, at least the kid will be good-looking).

Fourth, I just want to let you know I still care about you. Face it, we're too different,and we fight too much. We just stopped having fun. Most importantly, however, and this is the hardest to tell you...I've found someone else. I've found someone...special. She's great. Funny, imaginative, outgoing and full of life.



I know the truth hurts, but sometimes you have to pay the piper. Please try not to feel bad. It will take me a long, long time for me to forget you, and all of our good times together...I'm thinking two or three weeks. But if you ever need a favor, ask someone you trust.

Always,
Desservo
XOXOXOXO