Ask Drunken Dwarf #4

Throughout time, there has been change. Civilizations rise, empires crumble, Cracker Jack prizes are no longer worth their weight in gold. But through it all, one thing survives it all. That is alcohol. Oh, there were those ever popular prohibition scares but look at what good they did! So now we are on to another great change...Vocephus has finally decided to do something other than a one paragraph update. He has revamped the site! (Oh yeah, nothing but love for you Vox!) And guess what has survived through this change. El Enano Borracho himself! I am sure you were all scared out of your mind and wetting your pants from my lack of writing recently, but no fear. I am here to dish out my vast knowledge in yet another addition of ADD!

Dear Drunk One,
1: Why must Tequila be so good?
2: Why must Rum be good, but slightly less great than Tequila?
3: Can I please have some Tequila?
4: Is it possible to become instantly sober in ways that don't involve a
revelation about the gender of people around you?
5: Serioulsy, can I have some Tequila?
The Drunken Midget
Midget,
First off, Rum is just as good, if not better, than Tequila. And no, you can not have any Tequila. As for the sobering question, why be sober? Then you wouldn't have to deal with surprise revelations.

Dear Dwarf,
Do you have any idea who Soda Popinski is?
Punched Out
Black Eye,
Unless Soda Popinski is a type of mixed drink, I have no time for it.

Dear Drunkendwarf12@aol.com,
Why the devil do you have aol?
Internet Friendly
Internet,
I have no clue why I have AOL. I think I got drunk and ordered some five year extended service contract with AOL. My bad.

Dear DD,
If San Francisco drifted away from the continental United States and over to Japan and Japan claimed the town as its rightful property, do you think anyone would object to Japan keeping it and using it as a nuclear testing ground?
Bombs Away
Bomber,
I would object! Why, you ask? Because as soon as it sepreated from the states I would claim it as my own. Then San Fransisco would be my very own floating party island! And we would be free of law because it would be in international waters. Screw Japan, San Fran is mine!
Dear Drunken,
If Conan were really Max Weinberg's friend, don't you think Conan would have given him a larger platform than the six-by-five-foot one he has now?
Late Night Fan
Night Owl,
You are so right! Conan should invite me on to his show and drink with me. Wait...what were we talking about again?
Dear Drunken Dwarf,
Where is the love? I ask you, where is it?
Heart Broken
Broken,
I have no clue. For me, love is at the bottom of a liquor bottle. Sounds sad and all but I choose it to be that way! My love for liquor is too strong.
Dear Enano,
Isn't The Family Guy the best show ever made?
TV Junkie
Junkie,
I don't know about the best show. The best show is one featuring alcohol, followed by the Simpsons. Family Guy would be a close third.
Dear Drunk,
Penis?
?????
Anonymous,
What the hell the type of question IS that?
Dear Drunken God,
If Santa Claus had REALLY conquered the martians, wouldn't we have martians as slaves by now?!!
Alienated
Alienated,
The answer to your question is no. You see, Santa Claus is an unrelenting fiend. Not only did he conquer the martians but he committed mass genocide and wiped those suckers out of existance. God Bless America.
Dear Triple D,
Don't lists of ten suck?
Infuriated Indexer
Indexer,
These are the top ten answers to that very question:
10. Yes they do
9. No they don't
8. I don't know
7. Why are you asking me?
6. What is a list of ten?
5. Only some
4. Not really.
3. Are they about alcohol?
2. Don't you mean Top Ten lists?
And the number one answer is...
1. All except those created by your truly.
Dear Drunken Dwarf,
I'd like to know which is worse: to be raped a 100 times by a pirate, to have one buttock cut off, to run the gauntlet in the Prussian army, to be whipped and hanged, to be dissected, to be a galley slave, or be bored. (----this inquiry is based on a quote in a book by Voltaire.)
Deep In Thought
Deep in Thought,
Let us look at each and every choice. Being raped a 100 times by a pirate is both humiliating and traumatic. Having one buttock cut off would make something as simple as sitting very awkward. Running a Prussian Gauntlet would be downright painful. Being whipped and hanged is painful and deadly. Dissected, well you won't feel that because most likely you will be dead already. Being a galley slave is hard work and a long life os servitude. But the worst of all would have to be being bored. Why? Well if you were bored, that would mean you have no liquor and a life without liquor is a life not worth living.


Well folks, that is all for this latest edition of Ask Drunken Dwarf. Now here is some of the stuff you can expect to see from Drunken Dwarf in the new v.1.4 era of the World of Vocephus! You guessed it! All the same stuff...but NEW! So stay tuned and keep visiting.

P.S. Remeber to send all ADD questions and comments to
Drunkendwarf12@aol.com. The next article I write can have your question in it!