Armand #2: Cat Fight

The Armand Glocro Files


Fwd:From the Embassy of Glocro
To:World of Vocephus.

Brothers and Sisters,
Some things have gone too far. Especially the limited submission of hate mail to our President Vomit God! This lack of hate mail is a disturbing silent attack on our beloved President. Therefore, a new strategy must commence: the answering of other staffer's hate mail! Thanks to advanced intelligence gathering and with a gracious thanks to Vocephus himself, ARMAND GLOCRO has discovered a new field of bases where the enemy's ignorant hatred lives! These all are actual hate messages, sent to sister HOT ALICIA: Let us commence the slaughter of these vile pigs!

ENEMY 1: "Kristen Low"
Analysis: "Kristen Low" spends much of her time in front of the mirror, wishing that she was a princess. This denial of reality has lead to self mutilation, and several attacks on ex-boyfriends. Because she is female, she is not to be trusted in any way. HOT ALICIA'S article of beauty is being considered as a catalyst in "Kristen Low's" Hatred.

EXCERPTS:

"I stumbled on your page as I was surfing the good old World Wide Web. I enjoyed most of what I read, but others I could not even stand to finish. "Hot Alicia" who told you that you could write."

(This is a very good question. It is obvious that the same person who said that Hot Alicia could write, also said that I could write as well. Well, here at the World of Vocephus, it is a well known fact that all of us writers go through a process called "Writing Camp." Very few survive this camp, which involves many campers defying various deathtraps and boobytraps. Those smart enough not to defy death become staff writers.)

"To me you sound like a self-centered little spoiled brat. You are the kind of girl that gives the rest of us a bad name."

(It is a little known fact that I myself spent many years as a female before I was sent to psychiatric school, and I can tell you, Hot Alicia is not giving females a bad name. I can tell you what is, though: Bleeding between the legs.)

"In addition, what I see from your picture you are not that hot, they should call you "half-way-descent-Alicia"."

(In truth, this is truly not a bad comment. I remember one time I had a piece of pecan pie in a small diner by the side of thr road. I considered it to be "halfway-decent", but it hit the spot. A better example would be the time I saw a UFO when I was eleven. It was so high up, that I almost mistook it for a weather balloon, but it was moving so fast that I knew it was the real deal. It was a "halfway-decent" view, but I was happy nonetheless.)

"Desservo, I really enjoyed your staff-bashing article. Your hate is a good thing. There is an old saying that love makes the world go round, I myself thinks that it is hate."

(Think again, female. Everyone knows that it is another emotion that makes the world go around, and that is "Emotion X". It is very rare, but it does the job nonetheless. It's kind of a cross between melancholy and the feeling you get when you taste the end of an unused double A Battery.)

"One last thing, if this was my page I would replace "not-so-Hot Alicia" with a real writer."

(Then sign on up, sweety. I just can't wait for yet another article on what it's like to be a girl.)

(Here's an excerpt from another letter "Kristen Low" sent to HOT ALICIA:)
"Well, I am writing again to tell you how much I enjoyed the site. I read it often now. You find the coolest links. For example, the whole page about Paul being dead. I guess it must be another well-known fact that slipped through my fingers and it might be that I am a product of the eighties and not the seventies."

(Maybe this explains a lot, as the ozone layer is depleted, more children of the eighties grow closer to becoming fish. To escape the massive radiation doses, God has decided to force mankind into becoming our fine gilled friends. One of the symptoms is depression, which leads to bulimia in an attempt to take water into the lungs. This would explain a lot about our fishy (In more than one way) friend "Kristen Low.")

"I cannot believe that the whore Alicia is still writing for you."

(I wouldn't believe it either if a whore wrote for the site. Writing isn't their strong suit. Then again, these letters can be used as an arguement...)

"Who cares why you would not date Osama, God knows he would not date her."

(This brings up another point. What is Osama's sexuality? The wild dates aren't the only things acting fruity in Afghanistan. Have you seen tha cave footage of that guy? Maybe Fascist Falwell is right: the gay community is responsible for September 11th.)

"I feel that you should kick her off until she learns how to write."

(And maybe no desserts for a week, too!)

"The worse piece that I had the misfortune of reading was "Open Letter to WoV Fans". It was just a big ass kissing session."

(I'll let Kristen answer this one, with an earlier exerpt:

"The theme that your writers are using (the Osama-o-Rama) is fantastic. I really love Desservo's piece. I think that he is the best writer on your page, that is next to you (don't ask me why I'm kissing your ass)"

I Think that says it all.)

"I just think that you should have a group of people that decide whom can write for the page, and if you already do they should all be shot."

(In that case, I want pepperoni and sausage on my tombstone!)

"I mean everyone writes at least one bad article but come on enough is enough. Put an end to the insanity, Fire Ugly Alicia!"

(Yep, everyone writes at least one bad article, or even two bad fan letters.)

ENEMY 2:"Miss Emma"
Analysis: She is woman, hear her roar! After being born to two goths in the back of her high school drama class, "Miss Emma" drifted from coffie shop to coffie shop having a series of torrid affairs with her drama club. Her achillies heel appears to be her cigarettes, which give her the power to use her "Daria-esque" wit against every living thing!

EXCERPTS:

"Let me get this straight...
You suck the literary cock of the other staff members over at WOV and suddenly you're "Hot Alicia"? "

(jealous \'je-les\ adj. 1 a: intolerant of rivalry or unfaithfulness b: disposed to suspect rivalry or unfaithfulness 2: hostile toward a rival or one believed to enjoy an advantage 3: vigilant in guarding a possesion.)

"No really, dude, I'm not starting a fight. Honestly, I need a cigarette and they're 20 feet away in the living room. C'est la vie, am I right?"

(The world is a strange place when blowing smoke in and out of your lungs dictates feeling.)

"Wait, wait, wait...tell me again why you write articles for WOV? Oh yeah, you hung out with Vox's boys and managed to say a couple cute things."

(Yeah, Hot Alicia does say cute things, like how she says "Exxi Dominus Vernius" while floating in the air and spitting green vomit at us.")

"Come on, chuckle with me. It's just a joke. I'm just teasing. The yellow background really is quite charming."

(It's funny how yellow can dictate feelings. What do you think of when you hear the word yellow? Chinese men? Jaundice? Urine? Yellow is just...Yellow.)

"So, let me get this straight. As long as you stroke the collective ego of the fellas over at Vocephus.com, you get a column in which to blather on about nothing remotely interesting."

(Hmmm. I'm sure the rest of the staff is busy at work writing an alternate ending to "Othello" as we speak.)

"But honestly, I've got a tip for you. Drinking at a bar beats drinking at home because when you actually deserve the title "Hot", you get your drinks for free."

(Hey, wouldn'y you flaunt your goods for free shit? If I had tits I'd show them for free shit, and then use the rest of my money to put my kids through college.)

OK kids, send'eth thine hate mail to either Vomit God or I. Remember, He who speaks first, screams in fear the loudest. Die, fuckers!