Raphael #3: Zombie Apes From Atlantis

by Raphael the Contradiction

Joe: Hi, my name is Joe, and this is my audio documentary. Over there..well, that's my girlfriend Anna. Say 'hi' Anna.
Anna: Hi Anna.
Joe: Oh, yeah, like that's original. Come on, this is an audio documentary...say something that I wouldn't expect you to say.
Anna: Okay. Well, how about I'm having the love child of Cap'n Crunch.
Joe: Well, that was not exactly what I was looking for, but okay. And the guy sleeping in the backseat is my friend Rusty. Now by this time, you might be wondering exactly why you are listening to this.
Anna: No, not really.
Joe: You don't count--watch the road! Well, anyways, as I was saying, this will be a harrowing journey into the depths of fear and insanity that we may not live through.
Anna: I'm not going to a Barbara Steisand concert!
Joe: I'm not that cruel, but according to this week's issue of Globe, the Zombie Apes from Atlantis have landed right in the mountains north of here, and of course it's my job as a patriotic American to find them.
Anna: And then what?
Joe: I don't know. What do you think people would do if they found them?
Anna: Well, if the apes were hostile, they would probably break their legs, but if the apes came bringing peace and love...they would probably break their legs.
Joe: Good point. Onward then to become the forerunners of peace and understanding!
Rusty: And leg breaking.
Anna: What if they eat us?
Joe: What is it with you and details? 'What if they eat us?' 'What if they're mean?' Apes are vegetarians, you know.
Anna: But zombies eat brains.
Joe: That's why I brought Rusty.
Anna: Oh, great...you brought Rusty. What's he going to do?
Joe: Well, while the apes are after us, I'll tell Rusty to dance a jig and while he's dancing, we'll get away.
Anna: What about Rusty?
Joe: Unless he can find his own jig-dancing moron, he'll be eaten in an orgy of flesh and blood that can only be compared to the test audiences of The Island Of Dr. Moreau.
Rusty: Huuuhhh....did you say I was going to be eaten?
Joe: I said you were going to be in an orgy.
Rusty: How'd you find that out?
Joe: An albino midget with a crystal ball...now go back to sleep.
Rusty: But I don't wanna.
Joe: I'll give you a Twinkie later.
Rusty: What am I, ten years old?
Joe: Two Twinkies.
Rusty: I'm already asleep, sucker. Hey, I have a question..
Joe: No, you can't borrow my girlfriend.
Rusty: Not that, but how do apes from Atlantis land in the mountains? Do they have a spaceship or are they the flying monkeys like the one's from the Wizard Of Oz?
Joe: It doesn't say anything about a spaceship, so I'm guessing they flying monkeys.
Anna: Are you implying that these apes are under the orders of the wicked witch of the East?
Joe: I'm not implying anything, you're the one that said it. What are you, some kind of dillusional psycho freak who's trying to read my mind and steal my secret about how to make Rice Crispie squares? Well, forget it, because I'll never break...the secret ingredient is melted marshmellows, now get out of my head!
Anna: What?
Rusty: Sorry about that. Red Bull, Jolt and crack really don't mix very well together.
Joe: Well, lucky us, we have arrived.
Rusty: We gotta get moving, we're wasting time. Toto could be on the torture rack this very minute!
Anna: Walking in the forest...oh, great! I've seen Blair Witch...I know where this is going..
Joe: Don't worry. You know I would never let anything happen to you. That's why I brought a map.
Anna: That's a Thomas Bros.
Joe: Nothing is too good for my girl.
Rusty: Shhh! I think I hear something...
Anna: What do we do?
Joe: Break it's legs!
Anna: No, it looks like an ape.
Joe: Give me your shoe, I'll stab it with the heel.
Anna: I'm not wearing heels.
Rusty: Anna, give me your shirt, quick!
Anna: Why?
Rusty: Damn, I thought it would work this time.
Joe: He's coming this way.
Ape: Hey mon, what are you doing under my tree?
Anna: Why does he have a Jamaican accent?
Rusty: Maybe he's from Canada.
Joe: Are you working for the Wicked Witch, or are you a free-lance zombie ape?
Ape: Have you had some bad ducci, mon? You sound sick...here, try some of mine.
Joe: Don't try to offer me your zombie infested poison!
Rusty: Shit, I'll take it! I mean...I'll take it and dispose of it in a proper place for the good of today's youth...
Joe: We're looking for the zombie apes from Atlantis.
Ape: No no no, mon. This tree is for the talking apes from Jamaica. Zombie apes from Atlantis are three trees down.
Rusty: Well, I guess it's down this way.

Anna: Hey guys, look at that stupid green van.
Joe: What's it say....? 'The Mystery Machine'...it looks like a hippy van if you ask me.
Rusty: I wonder why it's filled with smoke?
Joe: Who cares, we're at the zombie ape tree.
Anna: I'm actually going to ask my original question again...do we have a plan?
Joe: Well, I must admit, I had an alterior motive for coming here...
Rusty: Does it involve licorice whips, leather chaps, and yellow spandex by any chance?
Joe: No!
Rusty: But it's already in the trunk.
Joe: My plan is to get pictures of the zombie apes and make a fortune.
Anna: It's scary to believe that piece of crap plan is actually better than your last piece of shit plan.
Joe: Wow, you do have a way with words that is so incredibly unappealing to my senses.
Rusty: Get down! I see one! This is going to make a great picture.
Joe: I got it. I'm going to get another one...hey, what's that stupid sheriff doing in my picture?
Anna: Why is he tackling that ape? I don't believe it..it's not an ape, it's a person in a mask!
Rusty: Hey, look over there. The hippies must own that stupid green van.
Joe: Why is that guy wearing that orange scarf? He's probably gay.
Anna: Or at least bi.
Rusty: Hey, look. The sheriff is bringing that crazy guy over to that patrol car. Let's go check it out.
Joe: Excuse me sir, what exactly is going on here?
Sheriff: Well, you can just keep moving along, there's nothing to see here.
Anna: We'll give you a dollar.
Sheriff: Let me see it.
Anna: Here you go.
Sheriff: Well, this crazy bastard was dressing up like an ape killing people and eating their brains.
Brain Eater: And I would have gotten away with it, if it weren't for those damn kids!
Joe: Just for the record...um, Crazy Person, why did you say you were from Atlantis?
Brain Eater: That was mainly to write off taxes.
Joe: And why did you need to dress up like a zombie ape to kill people?
Brain Eater: Because it says so in the Bible.
Anna: Where does it say that in the Bible??
Brain Eater: It does, you just have to read between the lines...it's right after Jesus defeats the Mongol army.
Joe: I guess that answers all the questions, and it sounds like we've wrapped up yet another mystery.
Hippy: But we solved the mystery!
Rusty: What's your name, hippy-boy?
Hippy: My name's Fred.
Rusty: Well Fred, shut your mouth or it's go time!
Fred: Oh, really?
Rusty: Oh, yeah. You and your gay little orange scarf are going down!
Fred: It is not a gay scarf! It's just flamboyant.
Joe: Well, this is where our little tale takes a turn towards the illegal side of the law. So the recorder goes off until next time...